﻿3:::English Q: What was the pirate movie rated?
A: aRRRg!  1694000760 Q: What subject is a witch good at in school?
A: Spelling?  127458240 Q: What do firemen put in their soup? 
A: Fire crackers!  1674583970 Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A: Because it was feeling crummy.  1579673984 Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipsticks?
A: Put it on my bill.   885383166 Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the leg of a chicken!!!   1244169955 Q: What did the egg say to the other egg?
A: Let's get cracking!   1256333198 Q: What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
A: Mooo-ve over.   1445739925 Q: Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
A: Because it was a chicken.   1916409168 Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell Station!   795691025 Q: How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
A: You bump your nose on the ceiling.   1650027487 Q: What would you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer.   1538719771 Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.   586093236 Q: What pie can fly?
A: A magpie.   1841743972 Q: What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?
A: I'm all ears!   977045822 Q: How can you make seven even?
A: Remove the "S".   691388936 Q: Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race?
A: It ended in a tie.   1029218234 An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit.
"Did you notice anything special about the man?", asks the agent.
"Yes," replies the teller, "He was better dressed each time."   1181750399 A sloth is out for a walk when he's mugged by four snails.
After recovering his wits, he goes to make a police report.
"Can you describe the snails?", asks the officer.
"Not well, it all happened so fast," replies the sloth.  1305691865 Q: Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
A: Because turtles have such tiny ears.   1951489302 Q: If April showers bring May flowers then what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!   224812726 Q: What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
A: A jellybutton  950319831 Tourist: "How would you describe the rain in this part of the country?"
Local: "Little drops of water falling from the sky"  1650786574 Q: What did Tarzan say when he heard the elephants coming?
A: "Here come the elephants!"  1841742438 Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: So he could be polyunsaturated  762640142 Q: How much does a pirate pay for his evaporate?
A: A buccaneer  2009395862 Q: What do mermaids have on toast?
A: Mermerlade  1118339262 Q: Why do elephants never forget?
A: Because nobody ever tells them anything  1601949680 Q: How do porcupines play leapfrog?
A: Very carefully  298255757 Q: What does only work when it's fired?
A: A rocket  1542216664 Q: What's worse than finding a grub in your apple?
A: Finding half a grub!  1947811451 Q: What is brown and sticky?
A: A Stick!  51286164 Q: What do fish say without eyes?
A: fsh!  891736364 Q: What do Hippies do?
A: Hold up your leggies!  1393726800 Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A: To see his flat mate!  1172218142 Q: A man rode into town on Friday, he stayed there for three nights and he rode back home on Friday. How?

A: Because his horse was called Friday!  1673957414 Q: What comes up and never comes down?
A: The rent!  253277075 Q: What is large, grey and goes around and around?
A: An elephant stuck in a revolving door!  955060077 Q: Why did the sand scream in horror?
A: Because the sea weed!  775459052 Q: A man walks into a BAR and said?
A: Ow my head!  163533265 Q: What do you call a person that keeps on talking even when others have stopped listening?
A: A teacher!  745854197 Q: What goes cluck! cluck! bang?
A: A chicken on a mine field!  867709621 Q: What nut has no shell?
A: A doughnut!  1745768640 Q: What happened to the Irish Man who was ironing his curtains?
A: He fell out the window!  473561929 Q: What does a magician and a footballer have in common?
A: Both do hat tricks!  417474882 Q: Bees make honey. What do wasps make?
A: waspberry jam!  746090527 Q: Can a shoe box?
A: No, but a tin can!  701232800 There are two cows in a field.
The first cow says to the second: "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The second cow says: "No, of course not because I am a duck!"  692913801 Patient: Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
Doctor: I'll deal with you later!  1158049707 Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You are to young to smoke!  1622933330 Patient: Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains?
Doctor: Pull yourself together!  1905359137 Q: How do you make a sausage roll?
A: Roll it down the hill!  83536001 Patient: Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps ignoring me?
Doctor: Next please!  728952024 Q: When is a horse not a horse?
A: When it is a sore throat!  1069551547 Q: What does a horse have which no other animal has?
A: A horse head!  438745876 Q: How do you get an elephant down from the tree?
A: Put him on a leaf and wait untill autum!  743680929 Q: What is a cats' favorite take away?
A: Egg fried mice!  624155313 Don: She's a bright girl ... she has brains enough for two.
Art: Then she's just the right girl for you.  1980325179 A young boy was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry", the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not stopped by this warning;  he carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. 
About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died", the boy said.
The grocer said, "But I told you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well", the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh, I'm sorry. How did he die?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."  817033842 My husband and I divorced over religious differences:
He thought he was God and I didn't!  1023470951 Mrs Fright was talking to her husband after a hurrican had just passed by: " ...just the same old thing! So, what's new with you?"  125830693 A soldier who lost his rifle was reprimanded by his captain and told he would have to pay for it.
"Sir," gulped the soldier, "suppose I lost a tank. Surely I would not have to pay for that!"
"Yes, you would", bellowed the captain, "even if it took the rest of your life."
"Well," said the soldier, "Now I know why the captain goes down with his ship."  1801867165 Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store mangager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. 
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" 
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."  1147484168 Q: What's the difference between a mental institution and a college?
A: In the mental institution you must show improvement to get out.  374192504 The news media featured a convict's daring daylight escape from prison and his voluntary return later that evening.
When reporters asked him why he had come back, he said, "The minute I sneaked home to see my wife, the first thing she said was, 'Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!' "  995363221 An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.  1598741323 Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loudmouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doctor, is that you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car.
Jerry, in a loud voice that everyone could hear, said argumentatively, "So, Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. Like you, I too take valves out and put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The doctor, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied, "Try doing your work with the engine running."  646983407 A couple had two boys, who were always getting into trouble.
They knew that if any mischief occured in their town, their sons would get the blame.
There was a clergyman in town who had been successful in disciplining children, so the mother turned to him.
The clergyman asked to see the boys individually. So, the mother sent the younger boy first.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, asked the boy sternly, "Where is God?"
 The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
 Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
 The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet. 
When his older brother found him, he asked, "What happened?"
 The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"  1339850083 I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.  669525830 As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.  1450572055 A couple had been married for 40 years and were also celebrating their 60th birthdays.
 Suddenly, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each. 
Being a faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wished for a romantic vacation together with her husband.
 The fairy godmother waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets for a journey around the world in her hand.
 Next, it was the husband's turn, and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire.
 He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
 The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom! He was 90!!  438111861 Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.  74158157 Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.  406291347 A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
He wore it under his shirt, and it was not noticeable at all.
 On the first day of term, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
 The class became a bit unruly, and he admonished them. This happened several times. While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class became more and more unmanageable.
 Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
 Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.  1142158600 One of life's mysteries is how a two-pounded box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.  1205635105 A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were discussing which was the oldest profession.
 The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therfore his was the oldest profession in the world.
 The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible which stated that God created order from chaos. That was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest.
 The computer scientist leand back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"  1504586752 Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.  1352034838 The five-year-old son of a minister and his playmates had found a dead robin.
 Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
 The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity he intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. And unto the Soonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."  1177224645 One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
 Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
" It depends", I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of lowa." 
And they say blondes are dumb!!!  1424267556 A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
 "Does your dog bite?" he asked.
 "No," was the reply. 
A few minutes later, the dog bit him in the leg.
 "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly.
 "That's not my dog," was the answer ...  16549615 During a trip from California to India, my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems.
 Then, after we were in the air, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant.
 "I'll take care of it," he said.
 Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.
 A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me, leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."  1308163062 A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
 "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
 "Well," the doctor replied, "tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply, move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
 The husband went home and did exactly as instructed. 
 He started off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.
 He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No reply.
 He moved about 5 feet closer and asked again. Still no reply.
 He got fed up, moved right behind her and asked again, "Honey what's for dinner?"
 She replied, "For the third time, vegetable stew!"  425425461 Frank: What is your date of birth?
Adam: July fifteenth.
Frank: What year?
Adam: Every year.  443899973 Q: The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it once.  822806074 Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"  1784341174 A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."  1864275450 Tech Support: OK, now click your left mouse button.
Customer: (silence) But I only have one mouse.  1469817787 A Sunday school teacher of reschoolers wanted to make sure the children understood that the birth of Jesus really occurred.
He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class became very quiet, looked at the teacher and waited for a response.
The teacer was completely at a loss for a few seconds.
Finally, he asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well ... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, "Jesus Christ!! Are you still in there!?!"  1969668464 A wife and her husband were attending a very important business party her boss was throwing.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistable you are to women?"
"Why no," said the husband, flattered.
"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.  954980924 -The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
-On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
-The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
-The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
=>Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.  428537213 When the bus driver stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, he noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" the bus driver asked.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
" How nice," the bus driver said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."  1049802101 Q: Why is 10 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9!!!  420435543 Santa said to Robin Hood: "My dear Robin, I just can't understand why you steal from the rich to give to the poor. I give presents to everybody."  138026235 Consider the following:
-You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
-Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
-Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him. Yet he's the one who everybody credits with the work.
-Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40-hour week.
-Santa travels a lot.
 => Yup, Santa is obviously a university professor with tenure!  1899471748 "May I take your Christmas lunch order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes but first I'd like to know how you prepare your turkeys?"
"Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."  37702572 Children:
 You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
 Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.  1091470679 Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.  1867709100 The government economic experts were returning home from a meeting.
 As with all government travellers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane, so each was occupying the centre seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
 They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting throughout takeoff and meal service, until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.
 After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time a discussion about economics had ever kept anyone awake.  1371576136 A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice, "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750000."
There is an awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"  1625682355 A baker was angry about one of his customer's complaints. "I was making bread before you were born," he shouted.
"May be so," the customer said, "but why are you selling it now?"  966217206 A young student was puzzled about the ageing college professor needing three pairs of glasses.
The professor explained, "I have one pair for long sight, one pair for short sight, and the third pair to look for the other two."  99107120 Pete: "I somehow thought my degrees in psychology, politics and economics would help me to get a better job. I'm really disappointed."
Tom: "Don't be so pessimistic. At least you understand why you can't get a job."  1508866364 Isaac was lying in his bed, seriously ill, and the family was gathered around his bedside.
"Wife," he whispered. "I'm here, Isaac."
"Miriam," he sighed."I'm here, Papa."
"Sally?"-"Here, Papa."
"Jacob?"-"I'm here, too, Papa"

"Then who the hell is minding the shop?"  23387971 People are getting used to answering machines.
I called and got a real person last week and neither one of us spoke.
We  were both waiting for the beep.  1854961299 A customer complained: "God made the world in only six days. And it took you more than six weeks to finish up my suit."
"Quite true, sir," replied the tailor, "But look what state it is in, and then take a look at this suit!"  1184821469 A tourist saw an advertisement in front of a restaurant which claimed that any dish requested could be served.
 The man decided to test it. He entered and ordered an elephant on toast.
 The waiter took the order and went away into the kitchen.
 A few minutes later, he returned and said calmly, "We do apologize, but unfortunately we have run out of bread."  1831200980 On a TV talk show a young atheist was sitting between a Catholic bishop and a famous rabbi.
"I feel as if I were the page between the Old Testament and the New Testament..."
The rabbi interrupted him, "That is a brilliant comparison, my son, since that page is usually a blank page."  1824728301 Taxpayer: "I always pay my income taxes all at once."
Taxcollector: "But you are allowed to pay them in quartarly installment."
Taxpayer: "I know, but my heart can't stand it four times a year."  1734277071 "How is business?" one salesman asked another.
"Terrible. Even the people who never pay have stopped buying."  2011400089 An actor was offered 5,000 pounds a week to work on a new film.
"What is it called?" he asked.
"The One-Legged Transvestite of Dartmoor Prison," replied the director, "Be sure to be here on Tuesday at eight o'clock."
"For that money I don't mind starting on Sunday."
"No need on Sunday. But on Monday you will be having your operations."  1081642771 John entered a store in Brooklyn and asked the shopkeeper, "What is the price of a herring?"
"Six cents each," answered Katz, the shopkeeper.
Just then the owner of the next store announced his merchandise loudly: "Ladies and gentlemen, cheap! Five cents a herring!"
"Do you hear that?" John asked, "Why do you charge more?"
"Because," answered Katz, "I wrap the herring in today's newspaper, whereas my neighbour uses papers that are a week old!"  1539129738 What to say when offered a cigarette at a party: "No thank you. I only smoke on special occasions."  1594414315 Noticing that just before the football game started the teams gathered together and prayed briefly, a fan, seated next to a priest, asked what he thought would happen if both teams prayed with equal faith and fervour.
"In that event," replied the minister, "I imagine the Lord would simply sit back and enjoy one fine game of football."  556057623 Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic.
When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.
The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when one of the turtles said, "Oh, come on, let's eat the sandwishes."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock, and said, "If you do, I won't go!"  800484227 "Waiter! What is this?"
"It's bean soup, sir."
"I don't want to know what it's been. I want to know what it is!"  1862791536 A roboter from outerspace landed on earth.
He told a motorcycle, that looked exactly like the alien roboter: "Take me to your leader!"  1847888879 An airline recently introduced a special fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of business men who had used the special rates asking how they had enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking: "What trip?"  1357967192 Sol and Mort are coming from religious school. Sol wonders whether it is all right to smoke while praying.
Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"
So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"
"No, my son, you may not," the rabbi says indignantly.
"You asked the wrong question," Mort says and goes to the rabbi. "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Schwartz replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."  324678094 "Just look at that kid with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"
"It's a girl. She's my daughter."
"Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father."
"I'm not. I'm her mother."  737334977 At a restaurant:
"Waiter, just give me a little piece of this fish."
"Pardon, sir, this is ham."
"Did I ask you about what it's called, the fish?"  1278571418 A freethinker asked a Christian what he thought about Spinoza's theory that human beings are not ranked higher than animals.
"If it's the way you say," responded the Christian, "tell me why there is no Spinoza in the animal kingdom?"  128923535 Why did the chicken cross the road?

 PLATO: For the greater good.
 ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
 MACHIAVELLI: The point is that chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The fact of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
 KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
 MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
 DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed towards crossing roads.
 FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
 EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.  824798590 The telephone rings.
"Hello?"
-"Hello, is this Joe?"
"This is Joe."
-"It doesn't sound like Joe."
"Well, it's Joe."
-"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
-"Okay. Joe, this is Tom. I need two hundred pounds."
"I'll tell Joe when he gets in."  384869159 There are two ways to tell if you're getting old:
- first, a loss of memory;
- second, ...  240988617 Mr Taylor had a retail store that was about to fold.
He prayed, "Lord, help me save my store, become my partner and I will donate half the earnings to charity."
Starting the next day his prayers were answered and the store became a huge success.
His store is named: Lord and Taylor  400769954 The pedestrian started to brush himself off.
A man came running over to him and asked, "Have an accident?"
The pedestrian said, "No, thanks. Just had one!"  17676318 Five dice players were in court waiting to be arraigned.
The judge said, "The five dice players will come forward."
Six men stepped to the bench.
The judge said to the sixth man, "Why are you up here?"
The man said, "What's the matter? Isn't my money good enough?"  2083615569 Aunt Mary, the biggest slanderer of the family, passed away.
The rabbi held the funeral oration.
He praised the peaceableness of the deceased, her modesty and self-restraint.
Uncle Michael couldn't stand it any longer.
"C'mon," he said to his nephew Moritz, "we're at the wrong funeral."  654303246 Popev and Sarkinev were in a cafeteria drinking tea.
Popev studied his cup and said with a sigh, "Ah, my friend, life is like a cup of tea."
Sarkinev considered that for a moment and then said, "But why is life like a cup of tea?"
And Popev replied, "How should I know? Am I a philosopher?"  1104456028 I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!  114164426 Q: What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?
A: A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a straight line, whereas a physicist wants more data!  1784361299 A man goes into a restaurant and orders baked potatoes.
When they come, he does not like the look of them and changes his order to thinly rolled pancakes with a filling of cheese.
When he has finished, he stands up and starts to leave.
"Wait a second," says the manager, "You haven't paid for your pancakes."
"What are you talking about?" the man replies. "Those pancakes were only an exchange, I gave you the baked potatoes for them."
"Yes, but you didn't pay for them either."
"Why should I pay for the baked potatoes? I didn't eat them."  2127942349 A man to a narrowminded science-o-holic cell biologist: "You are so narrow-minded, only preoccupied with your cells. You don't know anything about the world you are living in. For instance, what do you know about cultue?"
Science-o-holic: "You mean CELL cultures?"  1699025937 "When the day of judgement comes," thundered to priest, "there will be a weeping, and gnashing of teeth."
"What about me?" interrupted one of the listeners, "I've lost all my teeth."
The priest roared, "Teeth will be provided."  458050350 Doctors will tell you that if you eat slowly, you will eat less.
It is particularly true if you're a member of a large family!  2064926142 Rothshild: "You want five thousand florins from me? No, that's too much. I'm gonna give you two hundred florins annually till I die."
"What does that help me, my Lord? With the luck you have, you could die tomorrow."  1946780345 Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician.
I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the later, according to my latest calculations.
Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back.
So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.  402037490 A teenager girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.  736422321 If you have to get some money, borrow from a pessimist.
He doesn't expect to get it back!  1785468252 Attorney to client: "Scientifically, maybe body cells do replace themselves completely in seven years - but, legally, you're still married."  2100623841 Sign at a hotel door: "Have you left anything?"
It should ask if you have anything left!  39547149 The sience teacher explained to his class that long waves can go around objects but short waves cannot.
Seeing blank faces, he picked up his hat, held it in front of his face and asked the nearest pupil, "Can you see my face?"
"No, sir."
"Can you hear my voice?"
"Yes, sir."
"What does that show?"
He hoped for the answer that sound waves are long and light waves short, but the boy retorted, "You're talking through your hat, sir."  1883024363 A burly, good-'ol-boy Texan on a flight flags down a steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink but I don't see the stewardess around."
The steward answers, "Actually, I'm not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I'd be happy to get you a drink."
Passenger: "Wow, what does the captain think of that?"
Steward: "She's all for it. In fact, the entire flight crew is female."
Passenger: "I don't believe it!! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!?"
Steward: "Actually, sir, we don't call it that anymore."  2105752022 A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
While chatting with the bartender, the man says, "I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day."
"Really?" says the bartender, "How?"
"Very simple. Just pour full glasses."  2020821800 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter leaves, then returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"  1036891122 "I think I'm an umbrella, " a patient says.
The psychiatrist says, "A cure is possible if you'll open up."
The patient says, "Why? Is it raining?"  1602871433 A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.  2011861567 There was a terrible fog in Ireland. Two drivers collided.
They groped their way out of their cars and approached each other.
"I had right of way!" said the first.
"Possibly, but it doesn't matter," replied the other. "We're in my garage."  1485025655 A witch, who is brewing a potion, says to a witch sitting in front of a computer: "Hazel, you'd better run a spell-check!"  36680212 "I've a complaint to make," said a woman to the steward on a holiday cruise. "A sailor peeped into my cabin last night when I was undressing. I think that's absolutely scandalous."
"What do you expect in second class," replied the steward, "the captain?"  337297340 "This house," said the real estate salesman,"has both its good points and its bad points. To show I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."  1880987134 Just before a drafted farm boy made his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."
The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped.
He counted to ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.
He pulled the second cord. Again nothing happened.
As he careened crazily earthward, he said to himself, "Well, I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"  1543031006 A lobbyist browsing through an encyclopedia the other day came upon a stunning idea.
At one time in ancient Greece, in order to prevent idiot statesmen from passing stupid laws upon the people, lawmakers were asked to introduce all new laws while standing on a platform with a rope around their neck.
-If the law was passed, the rope was removed.
-If it failed, the platform was removed.  634241159 The customer said, "I want some oysters, but they mustn't be too big or too old, and they should be sweet and I want them right away."
To which the waiter responded, "Would you like them with or without pearls?"  347110937 Did you hear about the man from the income tax bureau who phoned a minister to say, "We're checking the tax return of a member of your church, and noticed he lists a donation to your church 300 dollars. Is that correct?"
The minister answered without hesitation, "I haven't got my records available, but I'll promise you one thing: If he hasn't, he will!"  837293670 One morning a local highway department crew reach their job-site and realize they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew's foreman radios back to the office and tells his superviser of the situation.
"Don't worry about it," radios back the supervisor. "We'll send you some more shovels. Until then, just let the man lean on each other."  1421792177 The rabbi is angry at his parishioners, who are tardy taxpayers, and in a sermon he gives vent to his anger, "Cultural taxes you don't want to pay, but being buried at the Jewish cemetery - that would be fun for you!"  1123997205 The waiter places finger bowls in front of two men. Because they were unfamiliar with fine dining, one of the men asked, "What are these for?"
The waiter said, "You wash your hands in them."
The second diner said, "See? You ask a foolish question, you get a foolish answer!"  1929883001 Doctor to another: " No, I've never performed this operation either, but I've seen it done twice on ER."  1454191345 A tourist was picking flowers on Farmer Dobar's farm when he suddenly noticed an enormous bull.
He asked a farmer, who was working nearby, "Is the bull save?"
"Well, I'd say he's a lot safer than you are at the moment."  1167145151 An American salesman submitted his expenses account.
After checking it over, the employer said, "I can't honor this, but I'd like to buy the fiction rights for the movie."  1895069058 There was a fellow who applied for a job as a press aide to a political party.
Not long after he submitted his application, he received word from the party leader.
"Your letter of application is full of exaggerations, distortions, halftruths and lies. Can you start on Monday?"  1170425055 One friend to another, "You drive the car and I'll pray."
"What's the matter - don't you trust my driving?"
"Don't you trust my praying?"  629821043 Can you imagine an entire city under glass?
We'd never have to worry about cold or rain or snow again.
Just little kids with rocks!  1897235663 An architect was having a difficult time with a propective home builder.
 "Can't you at least give an idea of the type of house you want to build?" pleaded the architect.
 The man hesitated, then replied, "Well, all I can tell you, it must go with an antique doorknob my wife bought in Boston."  1444765119 If it weren't for the occasional full moon, Frank would never get out from in front of the TV.  1558671036 An agnostic is a person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry.  2042872025 Michael walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Michael replies, "And that should make it lighter?"  98007273 Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: "I can do better than this."  883041732 Susan, a friend of mine, confused her Valium pills with her birth control pills.
As a result, she had ten children but she doesn't really care.  2063494838 Maurice started his very own business, which almost immediately began to prosper.
He was soon a very rich man.
One day, his bank manager rang him and said, "I have a query on one of your recent cheques. For years, you've been signing all checks with two Xs. But this one is signed with tree Xs. Could you confirm it is one of yours?"
Maurice replied, "Yes, it is. Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."  1445851389 Patient lying on psychiatrist's couch: "Doctor, nobody takes me seriously anymore."
Doctor: "You're kidding."  621544871 An old philosopher of Greece once received a severe tongue-lashing from his wife.
As he listened in silence, she became all the more infuriated.
So she picked up a pail of cold water and threw it over him from head to foot.
With the water still dripping from him, he thought, "After that thunder and lightening, I rather expected a shower."  686693489 A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the check.
Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect. The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was correct.
"Are you trying to make a fool out of me?" the man fumed.
"No, Sir! Not in the least, Sir. I never interfere with nature!"  784194783 Two hydrogen atoms are walking along a street.
The first one says, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The second one replies, "Are you sure?"
The first one then says, "Yeah, I'm positive."  1239024269 The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half full.
Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.  393382820 Q: What's the best way of wasting one's time?
A: Try telling a bald man hair-raising stories.  866530215 A woman browsing through an antique store sees a cat drinking milk from a saucer.
She recognizes the saucer as a rare antique piece.
Trying to be clever, she says to the lady running the store, "How much do you want for the cat?"
The woman says, "Ten pounds."
The buyer goes on, "While I'm at it, could I give you another pound for the saucer? The cat seems to enjoy drinking from it."
The shop keeper shakes her dead. "Sorry, but I've sold nineteen cats from that one saucer!"  511531006 Scientists say that animals don't laugh.
How could they ever resist if they watched the way human beings act!  1351581142 Abe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replies, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi is very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says, "Yes. "
"Take the poison."  945382168 The mother turkey said to her son, "If your father saw you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"  153298398 "I have some bad news and some worse news," said the doctor.
"Well, might as well give me the bad news first, then the worse news," replied the patient.
"The lab called with your test results, " the doctor said.
"They show that you have 24 hours to live."
"24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday", replied the doctor.  598589914 A mild-mannered man once wandered into a restaurant and ordered roast chicken.
The waiter said, "Take my advice and have the boiled beef today."
"No, thank you. I want the roast chicken."
"Listen to me. The roast chicken is not for you. Have the boiled beef."
"What is this! Don't you suppose I know what I want! Bring me the roast chicken at once!"
"I will not do that. I know better thant you what you want."
"Listen," said the diner, striking the table with a resounding blow, "get me the manager!"
The manager, drawn by the noise, came bustling over.
"What the hell is going on here?"
The waiter turned to him and said, "This guy didn't come here to eat. He came here to start an argument with me."  617623034 A dog is reading a Cat Dictionary.
Next to him is a cat on a sofa.
He tells the cat: "Geez! You're right! 'OBEY' isn't even in here!"  767158688 Goldblatt was showing off.
"I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me two thousand bucks, but it is state of the art."
"What kind is it?" his friend asked.
"A quarter past twelve," was the answer.  380660939 "Mary, where's the tea? I can't find it."
"Right where it should be, dummy - in the silverware drawer, inside the empty coffee can labeled 'Salt'."  241330293 "Know how to avoid getting pregnant? - Drink soda."
"Before or after?"
"Instead of."  1493701190 Mark Twain was once asked the difference between a mistake and a blunder.
He explained it this way: "If you walk into a restaurant and walk out with someone's silk umbrella and leave your own cotton one, that is a mistake. But if you pick up someone's cotten umbrella and leave your own silk one, that's a blunder."  1351915000 There are three kinds of mathematicians:
-those who can count and 
-those who can't.  1768240327 Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his rips.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"  643133965 A big executive boarded a New York-to-Chicago train.
 He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, and I want you to be sure and wake me at 3:00 a.m. to get off in Buffalo. Regardless of what I say, get me up, for I have some important business there."
 The next morning he awakend in Chicago. He found the porter and really poured it on with abusive language.
 After he had left, someone said, "How could you stand there and take that kind of talk from that man?"
 To which the porter responded, "That ain't nothing. You should have heard what the man said that I put off in Buffalo."  822783140 An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy.
 After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
 "I've just discovered a 3 000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
 The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
 A week later the amazed curator called the archaeologist, "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10 000 Shekels on Goliath'."  619638136 A woman says to her husband who is going fishing, "If eel is too expensive, buy trout or carp."  1429714623 "Honey, what do you like better - my perfect body or my beautiful face?"
-"Your sense of humor."  618323101 "Hey, mister! This is a public phone. You've been on it for half an hour and haven't said a word."
"Leave me alone - I'm speaking with my wife."  205554783 Maurice and Sarah were getting old and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing. He decided to stage a test.
 One day, as Sarah was reading the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and asked, in a converstional voice, "Sarah, can you hear me?" - Silence.
 He moved towards her. "Can you hear me?" - Still silence.
 Finally, he moved directly behind her chair and bent over, just inches from her ear,  "Can you hear me?"
 Sarah replied, "For the third time, Maurice, yes I can!"  1016605741 "Why did you escape from prison?" a policeman asks the fugitive.
"I wanted to get married."
"Heh. You have quite a strange view of freedom."  1253203320 "No, no ... Money does not bring happiness. Rich people are also unhappy."
"True. But I'd rather cry in a limo than in a bus."  208516359 A customer to butcher: "I'd like 5 grams of sausage, please."
"Are you mocking me?" the butcher asks.
"Not a bit! If I were mocking you, I'd ask you to slice it."  576056681 A couple arguing with each other all the time went to see the Rabbi. 
"Why did you scratch your husband? Don't you know that he man is he head of the family?"
The quarrelsome woman lowered her eyes and said, "Rabbi, it's not allowed to scratch one's head?"  1625703733 John goes to see his friend Bill, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Bill, you mustn't wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"
"Don't bother, " replies Bill, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good," said John, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"  1707483055 One actor has an agent with branches oversea.
Now the actor is out of work in sixteen countries.  1913854294 A popular French magazine held a contest for the best description of MORNING.
-First prize was awarded to the auther of the following essay: 'I wake up, have breakfast, put my clothes on, and go home.'  601983923 Rabinovich sits in front of the Rockfeller Bank and sells oranges. His friend comes and asks to borrow a couble of bucks.
 "You know," says Rabinovich to his friend, "Rockfeller and I reached an agreement - he does not sell oranges, and I do not lend money."  120669021 A telephone rang in a hospital.
 "Please, send an ambulance, our mother-in-law has eaten poisonous mushrooms."
 The ambulance came, the paramedics took some mushrooms for analysis, and looked at the woman.
 "But why does she have bruises and cratches all over?"
-"Didn't want to eat the mushrooms."  1038929598 Three friends were in a bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit something they have never admitted to anyone.
 "Okay," says Oliver, "I've never told anybody I'm gay!"
 Barney confesses, "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife."
 Mark befins, "I don't know how to tell you ..."
-"Don't be shy," says Oliver and Barney.
"Well," says Mark with hesitation, "... I can't keep secrets."  1259442263 Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
 That way, you'll get at least one thing done.  856337517 Why should I go to Baker's funeral?
He definitely will not go to mine!  1997530023 A statistician is a person who, if you've got your feet in the oven and your head in the refrigerator, will tell you that, on average, you're very comfortable.  1255570315 An eagle is smoking some weed.
 A frog asks him for one drag, so the eagle gives a joint to her.
 She inhales, suddenly feels great, big smile, jumps away and bumps into a crocodile.
 "Why are you so happy, froggie?" the crocodile asks.
 "You know what, the eagle is smoking pot and he will share it with you if you ask ..."
 So the crocodile finds the eagle and asks him for a hit.
 The eagle looks at him and says,  "You know, I think, you've had enough, froggie."  443910850 The owner of a Scottish company tells his employees: "You worked very well during this year. The company's profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'll give everyone a check for 20 pounds. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks."  555261962 "Ivan, have you heard - Einstein is coming to Odessa."
-"Who is he? Is he a famous pharmacist?"
-"No, he is a famous physicist. He is the author of the "Theory of the Relativity'."
-"What's that?"
-"Well, how can I explain this...? You see, you have two hairs on your head. Is that a lot or a little?"
-"A little."
-"And now let's imagine you found the same number of hairs in your soup ..."
-"Really? He is coming to Odessa with this stupid joke?"  612466199 Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it, and two to argue about whether or not the light bulb really exists.  578301859 My mother once gave me two sweaters for my birthday.
 The next time I visited her, I made sure to wear one.
 Instead of the expected smile, she said: "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"  508809177 "Yesterday Mendel came to me. He wanted to beat me up."
-"How do you know that he wanted to?"
-"Nu ..., if he hadn't wanted to, he wouldn't have done it."  1013846753 A psychiatrist says to his patient: "So, you say that you're happy to pay for your taxes... . And when exactly did this start?"  1296479144 A man who had been working for the circus for many years as Mr. Tiny, the shortest man alive, agreed to meet with the local newspaper reporter on his day off to be interviewed.
 The reporter arrived on time but was quite surprised to be greeted by a man who was nearly six feet tall.
 The reporter thought he must be in the wrong place and asked for Mr. Tiny.
 "That's me," said the man.
 "But you're supposed to be short!" said the reporter.
 To which Mr. Tiny replied, "I've already told you - this is my day off."  552802021 It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden STOP at the end.  2010146002 John was talking to his psychiatrist, "I had a weird dream recently. I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. Then I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
 The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"  1516574724 Moishe goes to see his Rabbi. "I need your advice. My wife just gave brith to a girl."
 "Mezltov (Congratulations)."
 "Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"
 "According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother ..."
 "But ... they are all still alive."
 "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that."  1203434826 Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow theeth. What do I do?"
Dentist: "Wear a brown tie ..."  64969846 Millionaire Feinstaub had been listening to the bellyaching of a poor sponger for about a quarter of an hour; then he calls his servant.
"Alfred, chuck out this man, he's breaking my heart!"  690957025 A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train.
 The priest trying to tease the rabbi with the ritual regulations of the Jew asked, "When will you finally decide to eat pork?"
"On your wedding day, Reverend Father."  477250593 When Lord Rothshild was buried, a ragged man walked at the funeral procession and cried tears of bitterness.
 "You were related to him?" the man beside him asked quietly.
 "No," the man sobbed, "that's exactly the reason I'm so sad."  239907767 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.  1240711698 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple YES or NO answer.  826213253 Frank wanted to get into racehorses and asked his friend Mike about it.
 "Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine of them. I'll let you have it for £120,000," said Mike.
 Frank agreed and gave Mike a cheque for £120,000.
 Three days later, Frank got his horse, but it was dead.
 A month later, Frank runs into Mike again.
 "Mike, what's new?"
 -"Umm, things are well. And with you?"
 "Things are great!"
 -"Frank, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
 "Not at all Mike. In fact, it made me a lot o' money."
- "How is that? It was dead!"
 "Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at £5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
- "Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Frank shrugs, "So, I gave him back his £5!"  1339313895 Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever after!  68370388 A rather distinguished gentleman wearing glasses and a mustache, walks into a store that carries items of art.
 "May I take a closer look at this beautiful terracotta figure? Thank you very much indeed. What a beauty! What power of self-expression! It's a real symphony in ceramics. What an incisive spirit was at work creating this wonder. Excuse me, would it be presumptuous on my part if I were to humbly beg of you to tell me how much you charge for this chef-d'oeuvre? Three hundred dollars?! - SHIT!"  578639999 "After your sermon yesterday I couldn't find any sleep the whole night long," said a parishioner to the preacher.
 "My words impressed you that way?"
 "Not so much that, but when I sleep during the day I stay awake the whole night."  222418528 A dog says to two cats, who are standing in front of a CATSUP bottle: "You guys can relax. The label only says tomatoes, vinegar, spices and thickeners."  1287663147 Once the teacher asked, "Paul, who has written 'Hamlet'?"
-Silence.
 "Paul, who has written 'Hamlet?"
-"It was not me, mister teacher, I swear."
 "Paul, I am sick and tired with you. Tell your father to come over to see me."
The next day, the father showed up.
 "You should do something about your son. Yesterday I asked him who wrote 'Hamlet', and he said it was not him!"
-"Mister teacher, I wouldn't dream of arguing with you. But, isn't it possible he didn't do it?"  658013856 Mr Goldberg, from Minsk, coming to America, shared a table in the ship's dining room with a Frenchman.
 Mr Goldberg could speak neither French nor English; the Frenchman could speak neither Russian nor Yiddish.
 The first day out, the Frenchman approached the table, bowed and said, "Bon appétit!"
 Goldberg, puzzled for a moment, bowed back and replied "Goldberg". 
 Every day, at every meal, the same routine occured.
 On the fifth day, another passenger took Goldberg aside. "Listen, the Frenchman isn't telling you his name. He's saying 'Good Appetite', that's what 'Bon appétit!' means."
 At the next meal, Mr Goldberg, beaming, bowed to the Frenchman and said, "Bon appétit!"
 And the Frenchman, beaming, replied: "Goldberg!"  2082957972 Bob: "I really like your suit. It fits you like a glove."
Ron: "That's the trouble. It should fit me like a suit."  1873361056 Old Mr. Collins staggered into the house and told his young wife, "I'm going to fire that chaffeur. He almost killed me a dozen times."
The wife said, "Dear, let's not be hasty. Give him ONE more chance."  1385382760 A man's car broke down.
 He called almost every mechanic in town. But not one of them was able to repair the car's damage.
 By chance a mechanic was coming towards him. The man asked for help.
 So the mechanic lifted up the car-bonnet, beat several times with the hammer, and everything was just fine again.
 "What do you charge for this?" the man asked.
-"Twenty dollars."
 Because this was too much for the car's owner, he asked for an itemized bill.
 On the bill two items were listed:

- 1 beat with the hammer = 1 Dollar
- knowing where = 19 Dollars
=> that makes 20 Dollars  386927751 If you really want the last word in an arguement, try saying, "I guess you're right."  2144089638 A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the barman, "Hey, I got this great Irish joke ..."
 The barman glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice, "Before you go telling that joke, you should know that I'm Irish, both bouncers are Irish and so are most of my customers."
 "Okay," says the guy, "I'll tell it very slowly."  496954013 "You have known the defendant how long?"
-"Twelve years."
"Tell the court wether you think he is the type of man who would steal this money or not."
-"How much was it?"  1875712737 "You heard my speech, professor. Do you think it would improve my delivery if I followed the example of Demosthenes and practised my diction and elocution with pebbles and marbles in my mouth?"
-"I would recommend quick-dry cement."  1268702323 Mendel Beroches is dictating to his secretary:
"Dear Sir!
Who has given me the promise to pay by the end of the month?
  You.
Who has broken his promise?
  You.
Who is a scoundrel?

Yours most respectfully 
Mendel Beroches"  1532476423 The trouble with telling a good story is that it always reminds the other fellow of an extremely dull one.  1643654814 A boy from New York was being led through the swamps of the state of Georgia.
 "Is it true," he asked, "that alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
 "That depends, " replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."  96344685 Weinstein lamenting in the office, "Oh, these headaches! I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my senses."
"Mr. Weinstein," his boss says, "if you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here and boasting like that."  1324329477 Morris, a building contractor, was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months.
 He approached the owner of the propterty and held up the check he'd been given.
 "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on."
 "I know, " the owner said self-confidently, "but last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.
 The contractor replied, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."  87872003 A man I know solved the problem of too many visiting relatives.
 He borrowed money from the rich ones and lent it to the poor ones.
 Now none of them come back.  210316941 An English man bought a horse from a vicar and was told that it was a weel-trained animal but only moved when the rider said "Thank God" and only stopped when it heard "Amen".
 So he mounted the horse, said, "Giddy-up" and nothing happened.
 Looking rather shame-faced he said, "Thank God", and immediately the horse gallopped off. 
Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse ran faster and faster, he shouted, "Whoah, whoah", until he remembered, and then said, "Amen".
 The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
 The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his handkerchief and breathed with relief, "THANK GOD!"  41336277 Every chair in the doctor's waiting room was filled and some patients were standing.
 At one point the conversation died down and there was silence.
 During the silence an old man stood up wearily and remarked, "Well, guess I'll go home and die a natural death."  920905446 An optimist fell from the top storey of a skyscraper.
 As he passed the thenth storey, he was overheard muttering, "So far, so good!"  1751959995 Sally goes to see the Rev. Higgens and complains about her bad headaches.
She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours. 
All of a sudden, Sally shouts, overjoyed, "Reverend, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!" 
To which the Reverend replies, "No Sally, it is not gone. I have it now."  1056559286 The worst penalty for bigamy is two mothers-in-law.  463803720 Kohn and Greenstein, who were partners, were lunching one day.
 Suddenly Kohn shouted: "My God, I left the safe open."
"There's no need to worry," replied Greenstein, "we're both here, aren't we?"  1390540965 Governmental machinery is the marvelous device which enables ten people to do the work of one.  839425282 Pete's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home."
"How silly, " said Pete, "you could have run behind a taxi and saved $20!"  1520105502 The absent-minded professor is about to leave the house.
His wife asks him, "Are you sure you've forgotten everything?"  1560733887 An old merchant is trying to initiate his son into the secrets of the economy, "Everything that is rare is expensive. A good horse is rare, that's why it's expensive."
"But Dad," the son contradicted, "a good horse that is cheap is rarer."  1016526030 A passenger jet was struggling through a severe thunderstorm.
 As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence,  a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and asked with a nervous laugh, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
 To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in the sales end, not management."  1436603701 "Rabbi, is a man allowed to marry his widows's sister?"
"He's allowed to, but he won't be able to do so."  362076156 The dentist took one look at Billy's mouth and said, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
 Billy looked at him and said, "I heard you, Doc. You don't have to repeat yourself." 
"I didn't. That was an echo."  1027440970 Dear Mr. Goodman, CEO,
 the Members of the Board wish you a speedy recovery by a vote of 11 to 8.  212716345 Simon is walking along the road carrying a big watermelon when he sees Nat coming towards him.
"Hello! Nat, how are you?"
"Oy vey," says Nat, throwing his arms up in the air, "Don't ask! But tell me, how are you?" 
"Me? You ask how I am? You want me to drop my watermelon?"  2067612015 Mrs. Greenburg was making the rounds at her tea for the ladies.
 In her hand she carried a platter of freshly baked cookies. 
"So Mrs. Rubenstein," she smiled, "would you like some cookies?" 
"No thank you," said Mrsm Rubenstein, "they're just delicious - but I already had four." 
"You already had five," replied Mrs. Greenburg, " But who's counting!"  787967129 A man made an appointment to see a new optometrist. 
"Doctor," the man says, "I think I'm suffering from poor eyesight." 
"Oh, don't worry, " says the doctor. "I can just print your bill bigger."  1418890023 Nothing can make a man a better driver than a police car behind him.  1033151787 A boss tells his new employee, "I will give you $8 an hour starting today and in three months I'll raise your wage to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?"
 The new employee replied, "In three months."  1303731350 Psychiatrist: "How long have you believed in reincarnation?" 
Patient: "Ever since I was a frog."  2044731753 Martha's grandson Jason and his wife are coming to visit her for the first time, so she is giving them directions to her flat. 
"You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow, Jason, you push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
"You're coming empty-handed?"  676991874 The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.  852424450 "Hello. Is this Miller?" 
"No. This is the post office." 
"Well, do you have the same number as the Millers?" 
"No ..." 
"Then why did you pick up the phone?"  1270910064 A tourist asks the guide: "When does the Loch-Ness monster show up?" 
-"Usually after the fifth shot of whisky."  626919002 The remarkable thing about my mother is that for twenty years she has served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.  1299873153 The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai.
 For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top.
 Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down.
 The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load.
 It was Moses.
 Moses set down his load and raised his hands.
"Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible agrument I could think of - and I think I was successful. The good news: I brought Him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news: adultery is still in."  55848007 Sign in front of a restaurant: "If you are over 80 and accompanied by youre parents, we will cash your cheque."  134433265 A Californian walked into the New York Public Library and asked the librarian where the self-help books were.
 She replied, "If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose."  247872401 Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.
 Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and slap the idiot upside the head.  1818442050 Salomon Kadisch used to say, "Death is no misfortune. Of course, it's better not to have been born in the first place. But hardly one person in a thousand has that kind of luck."  568798679 Becky, Sadie and Laura are bragging about their sons.
 Becky says, "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in London."
 Sadie says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in London." 
Laura says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job and he is gay. But he has these two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London and the other is the best doctor in London."  594612340 Sign outside a house: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of one German shepherd"  1300404763 A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."  152035764 Owner of a parachute shop to a heavy bandaged customer: "Congratulations! You're the first one to complain about an unopened parachute."  1030394757 The father was slightly annoyed when he said to his inquisitive son, "You never stop asking questions. All day long you ask questions. Where would I be if I asked questions like you?" 
The son answered, "You might be able to answer some of mine!"  784876976 A computer salesman comes to the president of a big corporation and shows him a new computer which works more efficiently than their old one.
 The president is impressed and says: "Your computer is fantastic and a great bargain. But we cannot get rid of the old one. It knows too much."  418408449 An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on holiday in Scotland.
 Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field. 
"How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all Scottish sheep are black!"
 To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"
 The mathematician said decisively, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, of which at least one side is black."  463894040 "I came in to make an appointment with the dentist," said the man to the receptionist. 
"I'm sorry sir," she replied. "He's out right now, but ..." 
"Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again?"  1669564361 A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
 Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations!" 
"Congratulations on what?" asks the lawyer. 
"Congratulations for what?" repeats Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old." 
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty." 
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."  1906098455 The early bird would never catch the worm if the dumb worm slept late.  2044605829 Q: What did the apple say to the worm? 
A: You bore me.  1966072221 One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: 
"My good people,
I have here in my hands three sermons.
 A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, 
 a $50 sermon that last fifteen minutes and
 a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
 Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I deliver."  562852470 Three old men were at the doctor's for a memory test.
 The doctor asked the first old man: "What is two times two?"
"194," came the reply.
 The doctor turned to the second old man. "What is two times two?"
"Thursday," replied the second old man.
 Finally the doctror addressed the third old man.
"What is two times two?"
"Four," came the answer.
"That's great," said the doctor.
"How did you get that?" 
"Simple," said the third old man."I substracted 194 from Thursday!"  312627169 Golf is a lot of walking, just broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.  368856730 A man was out walking when he fell over the edge of a cliff.
 As he hurtled towards the ground, he just managed to hang on to a protuding tree branch.
 Staring down at a 200-foot drop to almost certain death, he cried out: "Help me, please! Is anybody up there."
 A deep voice came back: "Yes, my son, I am up here." 
"Who is it?" the man called desperately. 
"It is The Lord." 
"Can you help me?" 
"Certainly, my son. Just let go of the branch and I will catch you."
 The man thought for a moment, then shouted: "Is anybody else up there?"  1097807697 Q: Why are mathematicians afraid of driving? 
A: Because the width of the road is negligible compared to its length.  1782013482 "Listen, my dear friend," a Jew said to his Christian business partner, "tomorrow I'm going to be baptized. What kind of clothes do people usually wear to this?" 
"I really can't tell you. In my family one used to wear nappies on the occasion."  1616996690 A woman went to see her rabbi because she wanted to get divorced. 
"For what reason" the rabbi wanted to know. 
"I suspect my husband of not being the father of my latest child."  1662996392 At banker Goldring's party two former partners meet.
Banker: "May I introduce you to each other?" 
The first one, looking contemptuously at the other one: "You ... scoundrel!" 
The second one, looking at the first one, too: "You ... swine!" 
Banker: " As I see, you already know each other."  1348573955 A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. 
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative." 
 A voice overheard from the back of the room, "Yeah, right."  744509294 "How long have you two been married?" asked a friend. 
"We've been happily married for seven years." answered the husband. "Seven out of 16 isn't bad!"  224764791 "You've been to Krotoschin? What's new there?" 
-"Nothing. Just a dog was barking." 
"Why?" 
-"Because of the crowd of people." 
"Where did they come from?" 
-"Do I know? Suddenly they were just there. They wanted to see the police taking away your brother." 
"They took away my brother? Why?" 
-"He was accused of forging bills." 
"Forging bills? But this isn't new at all." 
-"I'm telling you, there's nothing new in Krotoschin."  1210676545 "Jankel, can you lend me five hundred dollars?" 
-"Five hundred dollars! I wouldn't even lend my own brother that much money." 
"Well, you must know your family better than I do ..."  20598127 Joe to his rival: "Is it true that you said I look like an ape?" 
The rival: "No, I didn't! I simply mixed you up with a friend of mine. You are as alike as two peas in a pod."  190623897 Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. 
 He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there.  
 One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. 
 She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?" 
"Oh, Sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."  1680808714 A man in a shop, not knowing what to buy: "Me ambivalent? Well, yes and no ..."  1336395474 McBeal has been to the same restaurant for ten years.
 Every day he starts with the same thing, barley soup.
 One day, as soon as he comes in the waiter brings the soup over to his table. 
"I want you to taste the soup," McBeal says as the waiter starts to walk away. 
"What's the matter?" the waiter asks, "Every day you take the same barley soup." 
"I just want you to taste the soup," McBeal repeats. 
"You don't want the barley soup?" the waiter says, "I'll bring you something else." 
"I simply want you to taste the soup," McBeal says once more. 
"Okay, okay, I'll taste it," says the waiter, wearily. 
"Where's the spoon?" 
"Aha!"  1797479029 Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up.
 The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. 
 They discussed their different views for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy.."
 Without a moment of hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."  1125040993 Doctor: "I've got some good news and some bad news." 
Patient: "Just go ahead and tell me the bad news first." 
Doctor: "I had to amputate you right leg!" 
Patien: "Oh my God! That's terrible. What's the good news?" 
Doctor: "I've already found a buyer for your right shoe!"  1904169780 A college professor to a pharmacist: "Please, give me some of those tablets called acetylsalicylic acid." 
"Don't you mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. 
"That's it. I can never remember that name!"  407955712 Patient: "Every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye. What shall I do?" 
Doctor: "Just take the spoon out of your cup."  1256107700 A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial.
 An old woman took the stand and he asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
 She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Harper. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot but you don't have the brains to be anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."  591552881 Personnel Manager: "You start on Monday. you get paid by efficiency." 
Applicant: "I'm sorry, I can't live on that!"  1849147099 Q: What is the difference between 'nominal' and 'real'?
A: Very simple: if someone calls me an 'ass', that's nominal. But if he calls you an ass, then it's real.  991935208 Two men met at a party of a mutual friend. 
"I'm Rabinovic," the one introduced himself.
 The other one thought for a moment, "Rabinovich ... Rabinovich ... tell me, aren't you a little fat man with a red goatee?"  421913690 An insurance representative: 
"Mr. Meyer, you should take out an insurance policy. 
 If you break your arm, you'll get two thousond dollars in cash.
 If you break your leg, we're even gonna pay you four thousand dollars.
 And if you should break your neck, for Heaven's sake, you've got it made!"  136198938 "What do you say about this? Yesterday when I was coming home earlier than usual, I heard my deputy saying to my wife that he wanted to go away with her - but he simply had no money." 
"And - did you throw him out?" 
"No, no! I left the key to the safe in the lock."  210040392 Mr Bloom is under his wife's thumb. 
 She gives all her love to her canary who is allowed to fly freely around the room.
 One day when dinner was served the bird dropped a dollop into the soup tureen.
 The woman smiled indulgently.
Bloom: "I should have taken the liberty of doing that!  2144529860 At a collection of curiosities there is a dwarf who is so small that he's presented by his manager while standing on the edge of a top hat. 
James: "Nu, what do you think about that?" 
Michael: "Ph! I've already seen much bigger dwarfs!"  1575323016 "Hello, nice to meet you!
 I already recognized you from a distance.
 But when you came closer, I had my doubts - it looked like it wasn't you, but your Mr. Brother.
 Then I thought: No, it's him.
 And now with a closer look, I see it wasn't you at all."  1649203566 Harry was examined by the professor and put three dollars on the table. 
"One check-up costs ten dollars," the professor said. 
"Oh, I'm sorry, I was told it was five."  324073089 In Chicago there was a building with tree shoe stores in it.
 Of course all had poor sales.
 What to do?
 One day a sign was hanging outside the first store: "Highly fashionable shoes for sale."
 When the owner of the second store noticed it, he put up an advertisement sign, too: "Imported shoes, great deal". 
The next day a big sign was displayed over the door of the third store: "Main entrance".  1896809309 One day around ten o'clock in the morning as the boss arrived at the barber's, he saw his bookkeeper sitting there. 
"What, you're having a haircut during your work time?" 
"Well," the bookkeeper replied, "my hair was growing during work time as well."  1274536979 "Mom, what does 'P' actually mean in the name of Herman?"
-"But in the name of Herman ther is no 'P' at all." 
"What it isn't there?" 
-"Why should there be a 'P' in the name of Herman?" 
"That's exactly what I'm asking you."  1406609168 "Rebbe, I do not understand: if you go to a poor man, he is friendly and offers help. But if you go to a rich man, he doesn't even look at you. What is it with all that money?"
 The rabbi said, "Go to the window! What do you see?" 
-"I see a woman with a child. And a barrow on the way to the market."
"Well. And now go to the mirror. What do you see?" 
-"Nu, rebbe, what am I gonna see? Myself." 
"Now you see: the window is made out of glass, and the mirror is made out of glass. It needs just a bit of silver behind it, and then you only see your own face."   78659532 Once a smart-aleck boy was asked, "Why are there fewer horses than cows in the world, even though, as everyone knows, cows are slaughtered, but horses almost never?"
 Without any hesitation the boy replied, "That's because of the horse thieves - they only steal horses, not cows."  114139404 A rich man to Joe, "Listen, if you tell me a lie without thinking about if, I'm gonna give you one dollar." 
"Why one?" Joe replied. "You promised two."  539797281 Two old hippies arrange to meet each other. 
"So, are we going to meet tomorrow?" 
-"Yeah." 
"Where?" 
-"Wherever you want to." 
"And when?" 
-"Makes no difference to me." 
"Ok. But please, be on time."  902053334 A merchant went to see his friend and wailed, "Hank, I'm broken." 
-"How do you know?" 
"From my account books." 
-"So why don't you burn them?"  1676594952 One evening a man from Denver was walking through the narrow streets of Venice. 
 Then a young man spoke, "Can you tell me when the moon will rise today?" 
"I'm sorry," the man from Denver replied, "I'm not from here."  1665343318 Sergeant: "Why shouldn't the soldier cross the barracks yard with a burning cigarette?" 
Recruit: "You're right, Sergeant, why not?"  586334965 A Jew comes into a delicatessen and asks, "How much is the ham?" 
At this moment - a thunderstorm is in the air - there's a loud clap of thunder. 
Appeasingly the Jew turns his look to Heaven and says, "I was only asking."  618920520 A man from Minsk arranged to meet his friend, "Listen, Victor, if it rains tomorrow afternoon, I won't come before evening." 
-"And if it rains tomorrow evening?" 
"Well, then I'll be there in the afternoon."  1046782093 Once a wealthy housewife sent her maid to the butcher, "See if the butcher has any calves' feet." 
A few minutes later the maid was back. 
"And?" 
-"I couldn't tell, madam, he was wearing shoes."   1073932756 Elias summoned Chaim to the rabbi. 
Elias: "He owes me five hundred rubles and doesn't want to pay!" 
Chaim: "This month, unfortunately, I'm not able to pay." 
Elias: "That's what he already told me last month." 
Chaim: "And? Wasn't I right?"  344033888 A merchant from Genoa had to go on a business trip just before a trial. 
 He asked his solicitor to inform him about the sentence by e-mail. 
After the trial his solicitor sent a mail: "Justice has triumphed". 
 Right away he got a response: "Appeal immediately".  1531419442 Mojsche: "Sergeant, could I take a day off tomorrow?" 
Sergeant: "What for?" 
Mojsche: "Registration." 
Sergeant: "Always these Jewish holidays!"  1279806636 "Waiter, just look at this mess: I actually fished a piece of rag out of my soup!"
"And? Soup for thirty pence - do you expect to fish Brussels lace out of it?"  2108895514 "Why are you looking so sad, Ben?" 
-"I've lost all my money at racing." 
"It serves you right - why don't you go slowly?"  1497069690 At the ticket window: "Give me a third-class ticket." 
-"Where to?" 
"What's it got to do with you?"  1595965149 If you're up to your neck in water, don't let your head hang low.  768413067 All day long Larry Smith works in his store - no customer in sight.
 As he is about to close the store, a man rushes in and asks for an envelope. 
"Costs two cents."
 The customer throws a ten-cent piece on the table, and rushes out again.
 At home Smith's wife asks, "How was business today?" 
-"Sales were not that good," he says, "but the income!"  1486336694 Monroe sent a telegram to his business partner Camplin: "Offer accepted. Letter follows. Respectfully, Monroe."
 The counter clerk gave him friendly advice, "You could give 'respectfully' a miss."
 To this Monroe replied, "Ah, you know Camplin?"  1912878228 A man who has recently come into money, bought a villa with a garden.
 All this he proudly shows his friend. "Of course everything is insured against fire, theft and hail."
"Against hail?" the friend wondered to himself. "How do you make hail?"  1498142743 Jenny philosophizing, "In this world everything is quite terrible. But in the Hereafter it will be better ... Which means it would be funny if it turns out that it doesn't exist at all, the Hereafter."  788498129 It takes two to make an engagement: a girl and her anxious mother.  1374519340 Timothy Jones decided to buy a dog and went to a pet shop. With interest he looked at a Newfoundland. 
"How much do you charge for that dog?" 
-"150 dollars." 
 Jones pointed to a slim Doberman. 
"And this one?" 
-"180" 
 Suddenly he noticed a fox-terrier. 
"Well, and that one over there?" 
-"250 dollars." 
"And this miniature poodle?" 
-"Four hundred." 
 Then Jones threw up his hands and asked the man, "Tell me, mister, how much do you charge for no dog?"  861189018 Asked what he thought about Heaven and Hell, Mark Twain replied, "I don't want to express an opinion because I have friends in both places."  1468175608 "My lord, here is a poor cousin of mine, who is counting on your charity." 
-"Is twenty dollars enough for him?" 
"Of course. And my commission?" 
-"What do you mean by commission?" 
"Well, it was me who brought the man to you."  2094426687 A man standing at the grave of his wife laments, "Why did you leave me alone so early? Oh, if I could see you one more time!"
 At this moment a mole moves in the grave mound.
 Immediately the man sets his foot on the grave. 
"I was only joking, my dear."  961608759 Jack is on trial because of stolen goods. 
"Judge, how can you believe I'm guilty? You said yourself that I paid ten dollars for the stolen property. If I had known that it was stolen I wouldn't have given more than three!"  1571973090 Success is relative.
 The more success, the more relatives!  1619950477 "Carlo, why are you so silent?" 
-"In this cold I should take my hands out o' my pockets?"  87673376 Cheskel Herz, a Russian nihilist, was sentenced to death.
 Just before his esecution a rabbi came to his prison cell. 
"I'm coming to you to bring you the word of God."
 Herz: "For that I need you? In half an hour I'll be talking to your boss!"  1846854036 A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
 The women don't leave him alone.
 His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
 His wife says, "Stay more to the left!"
 After ten confusing sets of instructions, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"  420436205 Two friends are having a discussion. 
"You fool," the one grumbles. 
"Maybe I really am a fool." the other one admits. "The only question is: am I a fool because I'm your friend of am I your friend because I'm a fool?"  475439129 A teacher says to to the parents of his pupils: "I will now explain the progressive techniques of motivation by which your children are taught - so keep quiet, sit up straight and don't fidget."  2083623213 A duck goes into a drugstore and asks for lip gloss.
 The salesperson asks, "Cash or credit card?"
 The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."  761472606 Customer to real estate agent, "Listen, you said a garden belongs to the house. Do you call that a garden - three metres wide and five metres long?" 
-"OK, it isn't very big, but it's high!"  111964365 Isaac was walking by the lakeside in December.
 Suddenly he noticed his friend Löwenthal wriggling in an icehole. 
"Löwenthal, did you break through?" 
"Nu, winter caught me swimming!"  1566669310 After their arrival in Vienna two men asked at the 'Metropol', "How much do you charge for a twin room?" 
-"That depends on the floor: on the first floor a romm costs eigthy shillings a night, on the second forty shillings, on the third twenty, and on the fourth floor ten shillings."
 The men thanked him and were about to leave. 
"Are the prices too high for you, gentlement?" the receptionist asked. 
"That's not the problem," both men assured him, "the hotel is just too low for us."  796598193 After a long time a Jew was coming home to Israel, and he was enthusiastic about all the lovely orange groves.
 He climbed up a tree, picked an orange and took a bite.
 Meanwhile another man came along, saw the man sitting in the tree and said, "Don't you know - in the Bible it says: 'Thou shall not steal'."
 Upon which the Jew said, "Oh, lucky Israel always sun, delicious oranges and the Bible explained as well!"  895425695 John is a rough kind of man.
 Without any reason he made a real mess out of Mike.
 Two months later Mike is sitting on his balcony, not yet cured completely.
 John passes by and waves to him - just as if nothing at all were wrong.
 Mike ignores him.
 John responds: "Ph, offended!"  1595929688 "Do you know Salomon Herschfeld? Ten years ago when he came to Lodz he had nothing but one old pair of trousers, and today the man has got two million!" 
-"For God's sake, what does he do with two million old pairs of trousers?"  238826462 "Congratulations, Harry," said the bridegroom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back on today and remember it as the happiest day of your life." 
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," replied Harry. 
"I know, I know," replied his uncle.  1969104394 A Jew sees a picture of the Holy Family at his neighbour's house. 
"Who is it?" he asks curiously. 
-"The Holy Family." 
"But why are they wearing only sheets? She's not wearing a dress, and he's not wearing a suit." 
-"Because they didn't use to wear those kinds of clothes." 
"And why are they barefoot?" 
-"Because they had no shoes." 
"Incredible," the Jew thinks. "There was no money for clothes and shoes, but they could afford a painter."  637187180 "I'm embarrased by my lack of money. My oldest daughter is gonna be married, and I've promised the bridegroom a thousand-dollar dowry, but half is missing." 
-"Usually one gives only half of it." 
"I know, but exactly this half is still missing!"  1692254435 Q: What's even smarter than speaking several languages? 
A: Keeping your mouth shut in one.  775214343  When the signal was given, the company climbed out of the trenches and was about to start an assault.
Only Miller ran to the back.
The captain grabbed him, "The enemy is over there!" 
Miller: "Well, I have to get a running start."  647901320 The boss to his deputy: "Listen, I would like to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of my firm. It should be something impressive, my employees should have some fun, but there mustn't be any cost." 
-"I know just the thing, Mr. Councillor: Hang yourself! That's impressive, it doesn't cost anything, and your employees will have fun!"  1037977895 "Dad, where does rain come from?"
-"Like this: clouds are just like huge wet sponges. When they crash into each other on stormy days, then it's just like when you squeeze out sponges - water runs out." 
"What kind o'proof do you have for that, Dad?" 
-"Well, you see - it's raining."  1003875949 "Now, that looks like a happily married couple." 
-"Don't be too sure, my Dear. They're probably saying the same thing about us."  248628525 Non-mathematician to mathematician: "I find your work quite monotonous." 
Mathematician: "May be! But it is constant and unlimited."  647460170 "What kind of wine would you recommend for our silver wedding anniversary?" 
-"It depends on whether you want to celebrate it or forget it."  2126841514 Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.
The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am  I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"  880790499 A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.

Now, isn't that handy?  985220042 A congressman was once asked about his attitude towards alcohol:
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinnders, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little orphans, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"  2131414728 One day at Christmas time Sam met his business rival Bobby on the street.
 Wanting to make peace, Sam said, "I wish you what you wish me."
 "Are you starting with that again?" Bobby replied, offended.  1923877883 A small compact car smashed into the rear of Oliver's Cadillac as he made a left turn.
 The driver of the small car was furious.
"Why didn't you put out your hand?" he demanded. 
"What's the point?" shrugged Oliver. "If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?"  618111039 The crowded cafeteria spotted a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."
 Meyer did.
 He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food.
 His pal, Mike, kept on eating, without a thought of his own coat on the hook.
Finally Mike said, "You dope ... stop watching our overcoats." 
"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."  851623839 "If I live, I'll see you Wednesday. If not, Thursday!"  1400434033 Doctor: "Does it hurt when you do this?" 
Patient: "Yes." 
Doctor: "Well  you shouldn't do it then."  1219105320 A number twelve walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. 
"Sorry I can't serve you," replies the barman. 
"Why not?" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. 
"You're under 18," answers the barman.  955110294 Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road? 
A: To get to the second-hand shop.  714986193 A blonde orders a takeaway pizza.
 When it is done, the cook asks her: "Shall I cut it into six or twelve pieces?" 
"Six, please," she replies, "I couldn't eat twelve pieces."  93370228 First soldier: "Pass me the caramel pudding, would you?" 
Second soldier: "No way José." 
First soldier: "And why ever not?" 
Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"  1113868135 An English professor writes on the board: "A woman without her man is nothing".
 He then asks his students to punctuate the sentence.
A male student writes: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." 
A female student writes: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."  531247144 There was an Irishman whose sister had a baby.
 Nobody let him know if it was a boy or a girl so he didn't know if he was an uncle or an aunt.  1347411704 Have you heard about the suicidal guy's answering machine? It says: 
"Sorry, 
 I'm much too depressed to come to the phone right now. 
 If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and somebody might call back, I guess..."  653496551 "This is your wake-up service, Mr. Smith. Sorry, but I overslept!"  2016078406 A family of tomatoes are walking along the road one day when the little baby tomato starts to lag behind.
 Father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stamps on her squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"(Catch up)  1595279876 Q: How do you know you're getting old? 
A: When a fortune teller offers to read your face.  518334030 A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party but their conversation keeps being interrupted by people asking the doctor for free medical advice.
 After an hour of this the doctor is really fed up and asks the lawyer, "How do you stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of office?" 
"I give it to them," replies the lawyer. "Then I charge them for it." 
The doctor is impressed. "Does that really work?" 
"It certainly does", replies the lawyer, "And that'll be 200 pounds, thank you."  1996931149 Patient: "Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." 
Psychatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too." 
Patient: "Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."  2077884027 A fish that is caught by a fisher says: "You catch me, throw me back. You catch me, throw me back. Come on man, get a life!  799366956 Q: What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? 
A: A centipede with athlete's foot.  2020471019 After watching football all day, Jimmy falls asleep in front of the rugby and spends the whole night in his armchair.
 In the morning, his wife wakes him up. 
"Get up dear," she says, "it's twenty to seven".
 He awakes with a start and asks, "To whom?"  2037890653 Dentist: "Could you help me? Could you give me a few of your loudest, most agonized screams?" 
Patient: "Why? It hardly hurts at all." 
Dentist: "That's as maybe but there are loads of people in the waiting room, and I'm playing golf at four."  1674051766 Q: Why are computer scientists such lousy lovers? 
A: Because they're always trying to do the job faster than before. And when they do, they claim that performance has improved.  1676521996 Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I can't help stealing things." 
Psychiatrist: "Take one of these pills three times a day and that should help you." 
Patient: "But what if it doesn't?" 
Psychiatrist: "Then get me a DVD player."  151310949 Q: Why do ghouls and demons get on so well? 
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!  1829748552 Q: What's the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and man arguing with a woman? 
A: The man buying the ticket has at least a one in 16 million chance of winning!  85974675 Paddy has invented a device for looking through walls. 
He calls it a window.  820274288 A policeman pulls a man over for dangerous driving.
 He asks him to blow into a breathalyzer. 
The man replies, "I can't do that, officer." 
-"Why not?" 
"Because I'm asthmatic. If I blow into that tube I could get an asthma attack."
-"All right then, just walk along this white line." 
"Can't do that either, officer." 
-"Why not?" 
"Because I'm drunk!"  1056448792 I'm not saying our house is a mess, but vandals broke in two days ago and redecorated it.  2105216457 An Irish man goes to the doctor.
 He pokes himself in the arm, leg, and stomach, complaining that when he does this it really hurts.
 The doctor replies that the man's finger is broken.  1323344565 After a bit too much to drink one night an ant and an elephant end up sharing a night of passion.
 However the next morning the ant wakes up to find that the elephant is dead. 
"Damn," says the ant. "One night of romance and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"  972490307 Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a savings band? 
A: A savings band will eventually mature and earn money.  108315509 "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Bill as he stepped out of the shower one morning. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" 
"That I only married you for your money."  966063537 Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?" 
Defendant: "No, I did not." 
Prosecutor: "Are you arware of the penalties for perjury?" 
Defendant: "Yes, I am. And they're considerably better than the penalty for murder."  1582699810 Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: One hundred: one to hold the light bulb and the other 99 to rotate the house.  491508048 Have you heard about the new Morning After Pill for men?
It changes your blood type!  159745330 Paddy is sitting in the works canteen, looking at a mug upside-down.
 Murphy comes to sit next to him with his lunch whereupon Paddy tells him: "I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening."
 Murphy takes the mug, examines it and says: "You're quite right Paddy. And besides, it has no bottom either."  143361567 A man walks into a bar with his crocodile and asks the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" 
"Certainly," replies the bartender. 
"Good," says the man, "a pint of Guinness for me, and I'll have a lawyer for my crocodile!"  1407824173 One good thing about egoists: "They don't talk about other people."  166235277 Q: Why wasn't the giraffe invited to the party? 
A: He was a pain in the neck to talk to.  1724976520 In Australia:
 A Texan walks into an outback pub and says, "Y'know, this country might be big, but back in Texas I've got a horse that takes a whole week to ride round my ranch." 
 The barman replies, "I know what y'mean, mate. I had a horse like that once too - I had to shoot the lazy bastard."  2087799048 Did you hear about the guy who was half Irish, half Scottish?
 He really wanted a drink, but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.  880943495 A duck enters a grocery store and asks the an behind the counter: "Do you have any beer?" 
"No we don't. We're not licensed to sell beer here and besides you're a duck. I couldn't serve you anyway. Now get out!" 
The duck leaves, but comes back the next day and asks: "Do you have any beer?" 
"I told you yesterday", shouts the shop assistant, "we don't sell beer here! This is a grocery store! If you come here again asking for beer, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" 
The duck leaves, but sure enough comes back the next day. 
"Do you have any nails?" he asks. 
Resigned, the shop assistant says, "No, we don't stock nails." 
"Good," says the duck. "Do you have any beer?"  145456234 Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a devil worshipper? 
A: Someone who goes from door to door telling people to go to hell.  855236259 A police officer notices a woman driving along and knitting at the same time.
 Driving up alongside her, he shouts out the windows, "Pull over!" 
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"  105940036 "Can people predict the future with cards?" the teacher aks little Billy. 
"My mother can," says Billy. 
-"Really?" 
"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home."  344842731 It's a common misconception that married men live longer than single men.
 It just seems longer.  121717792 "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?" 
-"Err, looks like backstroke to me, sir."  779306561 A lady is looking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but can't find one which is big enough for her family.
She asks a shop assistant: "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" 
To which the assistant replies: "No madam, they're dead."  1590181666 Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam-roller? 
A: A flat major.  485541919 There were two sausages in a frying pan. 
One says, "Phew, it's hot in here." 
The other one says, "Bloody hell, a talking sausage!"  399181023 Q: Why is a launderette a bad place to pick up women? 
A: If she can't even afford a washing machine, she'll never be able to support you.  717059790 A woman walked up to a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch. 
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" 
"Well, I smoke at least sixty cigarettes a day," he started, "I also drink a crate of beer a day, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "And how old are you, if I may ask?" 
"Twenty-eight," he said.  1327474558 "Waiter, this water is cloudy." 
-"The water's all right, sir, it's the glass that's dirty."  1007803127 Q: What's the definition of innocence? 
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.  1094813036 A boy says to another: 
"I couldn't afford candy on my allowance - I had to do something. So I put together an internet start-up and then went public. I started trading upwards and last week got controlling interest in IBM. Want some candy?  457362962 A tramp asked a man for a pound. 
The man asked, "Will you buy booze with it?" 
"No," said the tramp. 
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" 
Again the tramp said, "No." 
The man then asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink and doesn't gamble?"  247355887 The doctor comes out of the operating theatre to talk with a patient's wife. 
"I don't like the look of your husband," he says. 
"Neither do I," replies his wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."  466800090 A vampire bat comes back to its cave covered in fresh blood. 
All the other bats smell the blood and begin to hassle him where he got it from. 
"Alright, follow me," he says and flies out of the cave, followed by all of the other bats. 
Down through a valley they go, across a river and into a forest. 
Finally he slows down and all the other bats gather around him. 
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asks. 
"Yes, yes, yes!", scream the other bats excitedly. 
"Good," says the first bat, "because I didn't!"  1169358934 Angry teacher: "Jenkins, you're late again. What's you excuse this time?" 
Lazy pupil: "Well sir, I saw the sign in the street that said: School ahead -- go slow!  1314459358 After a night on the tiles, a university student was proudly showing his new flat to friends. 
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of them asked him. 
"That's the speaking clock", he replied. 
"How dows it work?" the friend wanted to know. 
"Watch", he said and then gave the gong a wallop with the hammer. 
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Be quiet you idiot! It's after midnight!"  398831032 A waiter says to a young couple in a restaurant: "Your babysitter called. She wants to know where you keep the fire extinguisher."  2046145149 A young man decided to join the police force. 
During his first exam he was asked, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own wife?" 
He answered, "Call for backup."  757253383 Pete receives a telegram informing that his mother-in-law has died. 
It also inquires whether the lady should be buried or cremated. 
He replies: "Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."  917509310 At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting lawyer attacked a witness. 
"I put it to you," he bellowed, "that you accepted ten thousand dollars to compromise this case." 
The witness looked out of the window, as though he hadn't heard the prosecutor. 
The prosecutor repeated, "Sir, isn't it true that you accepted ten thousand dollars to compromise this case?" 
The witness still did not respond. 
Finally, the judge leaned over to him and said, "Please answer the question." 
"Sorry," said the startled witness, "I thought he was talking to you."  141377828 Striking teachers today rejected the government's latest pay offer saying that it had obviously been copied from a previous offer, contained too many erasures and misspellings and was handed in late.  422931635 Have you heard about the new book, "The full English breakfast"? 
It's by Hammond Degs.  381348167 Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? 
A: Sexual harassment. 
Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? 
A: Two pounds a minute.  1218280388 "I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Neil. I heard you were playing football instead." 
-"That's not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it."  1524570358 There are two fish in a tank. 
One says to the other, "Any idea how to drive this thing?"  1435534546 In a bar one man says to another: "Your round!". 
The other replies: "So are you, you cheeky git!"  374972463 Q: Why is air a lot like sex? 
A: Because it's no big deal until you aren't getting any.E 589106976 An overweight blonde wants to lose weight so she consults her doctor for advice.
 The doctor suggests that she runs ten miles a day for thirty days.
 This, he promises, would cause her to lose twelve pounds.
 The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, is pleased to find that she has indeed lost twelve pounds.
 She phones the doctor and thanks him for his wonderful advice.
 The doctor says he would like to see her again that very morning.
 To which the blonde replies, "No that's not going to be possible - I'm now 300 miles away!"  1911648750 I earn a 7 figure salary.
 Unfortunately there's a decimal in the wrong place.  1221874083 The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, meets with his accountant and asks him, "Where's the two million dollars you embezzled from me?" 
 The acountant doesn't answer.
 The Godfather takes out a gun and shouts, "If you don't start talking and tell me where my money is I'll pump a bullet in your head!" 
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute, but I can interpret for you." 
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the two million dollars is. 
The accountant signs back, "The money's hidden in a suitcase in my wardrobe!" 
"Well, what did he say?" asks the Godfather impatiently. 
The attorney replies, "He says he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."  2080155618 A woman rushes home from work one night and tells her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold of warm weather?" 
She says, "Pack them all, you're leaving!"  1156947158 The children of a Catholic elementary school were lined up in the canteen for lunch one day. 
 At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. 
The nun made a note and stuck it to the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." 
 Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 
Here a child had placed a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."  1528595532 A woman is at the reception desk of a hotel and asks the porter, "Can you check me out please?"
 The porter slowly looks her up and down and says, "Sure baby. You're not bad at all..."  821285737 An Englishman, a Finn and a Russian are studying a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. 
"Look at that beautiful garden," muses the Englishman. "Only an Englishman could create a garden of such beauty." 
"Rubbish," says the Finn. "They're naked and unashamed. They must be Scandinavian." 
"You're both wrong," says the Russian. "No clothes, no house, one apple between them, and they're told it's paradise - definitely Russian."  45370913 How could they tell that the shark attack victim had dandruff? 
They found his head and shoulders on the beach.  1484905821 Paddy and Murphy are driving a lorry down a country lane when they come to a bridge with a sign saying, "Warning. Eleven-foot clearance". 
"Damn it," says Paddy. "Our lorry is twelve foot high." 
Murphy looks out of the window and checks for passers-by. 
"Why don't we go for it?" he asks. "There's nobody about to report us."  2111740530 Two Jehova's witnesses are going from door to door.
 They knock on one door and a woman answers who tells them, in no uncertain terms, that she has no desire to hear their message.
 She slams the door in their faces but to her surprise, it bounces back open.
 She tries slamming the door again, and again, and again but it won't shut. 
"Get your dammed foot out of my door," she shouts. 
"My foot isn't in the door," says one of the Jehova's witnesses. "But you might want to move your cat."  40967727 A prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the inmates in his prison. 
To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school, to set up remedial English classes. 
In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics. 
"Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks. 
All the prisoners answer together, "The appeal!"  1613750773 Q: What do you call an Arabian dairy farmer? 
A: A milk sheikh.  1619674538 Two politicians are having an argument. 
"There are lots of ways of making money," states the first. "But there is only one honest way." 
"And what's that?" asks the second.
To which the first replies, "I had a feeling you wouldn't know."  924163542 A thought for the day:

If olive oil is made from olives, 
and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, 
what's baby oil made from?  255430517 A worker turns to his colleagues and says, "I hate this job. The boss is completely incompetent. I feel like calling him a snivelling idiot again." 
"What do you mean, 'again'?" asks a colleague. 
"I felt like calling him that yesterday too," says the man.  928324598 Q: Why are woodpeckers cleverer than chickens? 
A: Ever heard of a Kentucky Fried Foodpecker  2105744057 A boy goes into a supermarket and buys a toothbrush, a tupe of toothpaste, a bar of soap, a pint of milk and an instant meal. 
The checkout girl looks at him and says, "Single, huh?" 
The boy replies, "I am. How did you guess?" 
She replies, "Because you're ugly."  487886774 A man walks into an army surplus store and asks if they've got any camouflage trousers. 
"Yes, we have," replies the assistant. "But we can't find any of them."  34145086 Teacher: "Timmy, give me a sentence starting with ' I '." 
Timmy: "I is ..." 
Teacher: "No, Timmy. You should always say 'I am'." 
Timmy: "Okay. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."  2059873090 A ventriloquist is in a pub, telling blonde jokes when one of his audience, a young blonde lady, stands up and complains. 
"I've had it up to here with your pathetic blonde jokes!" she shouts. 
"Why do you think you can stereotype women in this way? A person's hair colour has nothing to do with their worth as a human being!" 
The ventriloquist is very embarrassed and starts to apologize. 
The blonde interrupts, "Stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to the little bugger on your knee!"  1824045124 A man says to his wife: "I didn't realize our country was in such a bad shape. The welfare check from the government bounced!"  238465239 An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman have been marooned on a deserted island for years when one day they find a bottle with a genie inside it. 
The genie grants them each a wish. 
"I wish I was back home in London," says the Englishman and in a flash he's gone. 
"I wish I was back home in Edinburgh," says the Scotsman and in a flash he's gone. 
"Oh, it's so lonely here now," says the Irishman. "I wish my two mates were still here with me."  999259566 Q: Why isn't skydiving a good sport for blind people? 
A: It scares the dog.  1326145488 A man goes into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. 
"I'll have a pint of beer and a double whiskey for Tiny here," he says. 
Curious, the barman asks, "Why is he called tiny?" 
To which the man replies, "because he's my newt."  41653899 Paddy rings up the swimming baths close to him and asks: "Is that the local swimming baths?" 
The voice on the other end of the phone says: "Well, that depends where you're calling from."  123690112 Two accountants are in a restaurant when all of a sudden armed robbers burst in. 
The robbers line the guests up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, jewellery, etc. 
The first accountant slips something into the second accountant's hand ans whispers, "Here's that 50 pounds I owe you."  1375430571 Prince Charles is visiting an old people's home but is surprised to discover that none of the residents recognize him. 
Puzzled, he takes an old lady aside and asks, "Excuse me, but do you have any idea who I am?" 
"Sorry dear," says the old woman, "but if you ask one of the nurses, they'll tell you."  713858431 A young man is driving his new sports car along a quiet country lane. 
 There's no traffic about so he risks accelerating to 70mph, then 80 and then 90. 
 He rounds a bend and all of a sudden sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. 
 The man pulls the steering wheel sharply to one side, the car shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, and crashes in the middle of an adjacent field. 
 Observing this, one of the farmers turns to the other and says, "That was lucky, Fred. I reckon we got out of that field just in the nick o'time."  1830492048 A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I'll have a pint of ............ Guiness." 
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" 
"Don't know," replies the bear. "I've always had them."  2110978211 A boy says to his father: "Before you decide wether or not I get the car tonight, just remember who's the only one around here that knows what to do when your computer crashes!"  1050921051 Q: What is the difference between a man and giving birth? 
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.  1402219850 A man is driving down a deserted road.
 He comes to a junction and rolls through the stop sign.
 From nowhere a policeman pulls him over. 
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" asks the policeman. 
"What's the problem, officer? I slowed down, didn't I?", says the man.
 The policeman replies, "You must come to a complete halt at the stop sign." 
"Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?" argues the man. 
"What's the difference? I'll show you," says the policeman, who then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the man over the head. 
"Now," he says, "do you want me to stop, or slow down?"  154647120 A Sunday school teacher asks her pupils where God lives. 
 A small boy raises his hand and says, "Miss. God lives in our bathroom." 
"In your bathroom?" asks the teacher. "What makes you think he's in there?" 
 The boy replies, "Because every morning my daddy bangs on the bathroom door and shouts 'God, are you still in there?' "  110569456 An old lady's cat gives birth to a litter of kittens.
 The vet comes to visit her and she says to him, "I can't imagine how it happened. She never leaves the house. How could she meet another cat?" 
"What about that tomcat sitting on the armchair?" asks the vet. 
"Don't be ridiculous," says the old lady. "That's her brother!"  1957557694 Two HGVs loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a London publishers last friday.
 According to the Times, witnesses were said to be stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupified ...  952894687 The owner of a furniture store is dismayed when a huge new furniture store opens up next to his shop erecting a large sign saying, "Lowest Prices."
 He's even more horrified when another huge furniture store opens up on the other side of his store putting up an even larger sign saying, "Best Deals." 
 The shopkeeper panics but then has a bright idea.
 He puts a large sign over his own store saying, "MAIN ENTRANCE."  105600475 Q: What has 50 legs but can't walk? 
A: Half a centipee ...  1075131156 Seeing a dog fall in a river a German guy jumps in and saves it from drowning. 
"That was amazing," remarks a bystander, "Are you a vet?" 
"Wet?" replies the German. "I'm totally soaking!"  2085349525 A new survey has just revealed that women feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
 They say that women are too judgmental, whereas men are just grateful.  1076251077 Two elderly ladies are discussing their husbands over tea.
 Says the first one, "I do wish that my Leonard would stop biting his nails. It's a disgusting habit." 
"My Bill used to do the same thing," the other woman replies. "But I soon put a stop to that." 
-"How did you manage that?" 
"I hit his teeth!"  1573553797 Two men are walking in the forest when they see a grizzly bear coming towards them.
 The first takes off his rucksack, takes out a pair of trainers, and puts them on.
 The other looks at him and says, "That's pretty dumb. There's no way you can outrun a grizzly bear!" 
"That's true," says his friend. "But then again, I've only got to outrun you."  421429177 Q: Somebody who can speak two languages is bilingual. 
 Somebody who can speak three languages is trilingual. 
 Somebody who can speak four or more languages is multilingual. 
What do you call somebody who can speak one language? 
A: British!  1831936760 A foreman hires an Italian to do a job, but the day before he is due to start he rings up, complaining he's too unwell to work. 
"I'll tell you what," says the foreman, "when I'm feeling ill I have sex with my wife. That soon sorts me out. Give it ago and let's see how you feel." 
 A couple of hours later the Italian rings back and says, "I had sex just like you said. Now I feel much butter. You have a very nice house."E 1350202475 Q: What's the difference between cats and dogs? 
A: Dogs have owners, cats have staff.  357863305 Three Irishmen, Paddy, Murphy and Reilly, were coming back from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the graveyard. 
"Look here," said Paddy, "it's Pat O'Hara's grave, God rest his soul. He lived to be 93." 
"That's nothing," said Murphy, "here's Nelly McNeill, it says here that she was 98 when she passed away." 
Suddenly, Reilly yelled out, "Forget her, here's bloke that made it to an age of 138 years!" 
"What was his name?" asked Murphy. 
"Miles To Dublin," answered Reilly.  432394376 Dennis puts a sign on his front door warning, "Beware of the budgie".
 A neighbour sees this and says, "Excuse me, but I didn't know budgies were dangerous." 
"They're not," replies Dennis, "but this one can whistle for the Rottweiler."  1285062492 Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? 
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.  2140829415 Before performing a baptism, the priest approaches the young father and says solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" 
"I think so," the man replies. "We've hired a caterer to provide plenty of great food for all our guests." 
"I don't mean that," the priest responds. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" 
"Oh, that," the man replies. "Don't worry. I also got a barrel of beer and a case of whiskey!"  2033430958 A mushroom walks into a bar.
 He sits down next to a beautiful girl and tries to chat her up.
 He gives her a few corny chat-up lines, but she shouts at him, "Leave me alone, I don't want anything to do with you!" 
 To which the mushroom replies, "What's the matter? I'm a fungi!"  1642090684 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him!" 
"Well," says the vet," let me have a look at him."
 So he picks up the dog and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet,"I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man. 
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet  423087757 Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. 
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.  730393614 A woman walks into a butcher's shop just as it's about to close, and asks the butcher, "Do you have any turkeys?"
 The butcher opens the fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on the scales.
 It weighs six pounds.
 The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Have you got one that's a bit bigger please?"
 The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey.
 The scales now show eight pounds.
"Fantastic," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"  1490425272 A student was flying home from Dublin to London.
 At the check-in desk, he said to the operator, "Now I want you to send my black case to London and my blue case to Paris."
 The check-in operator replied, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that!" 
"Oh really," said the student, "that's what you did the last time I flew with you!"  1523145103 A farmer is drowning his sorrows in a bar.
 The barman asks him what's the matter. 
"I was milking my cow, Daisy, this morning," says the farmer, "when she kicked her left leg and knocked over the milk bucket." 
"That's not so bad," says the barman. "No, but I tied her left leg to a post to stop her doing it again, and she kicked over the bucket with her right leg, so I tied that to another post." 
"That's not so bad either," says the barman. 
"No," replies the farmer, "but then she knocked the bucket over with her tail so I took off my belt and tied her tail up out of the way." 
"That's still not so bad," says the barman. 
"No," replies the farmer,"but that's when my trousers fell down and my wife walked in."  698410986 Mike is walking down the street one day when a lady comes up to him and points at his leather jacket. 
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneers. 
 Mike stares at her and replies in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."  350641737 A penguin family wants to buy a refrigerator. 
They ask the assistant: "Is there any way of keeping the light on when you're inside?"  912389184 "I can't stand it anymore," a man says to his friend. 
"It's my wife. Whenever we have an argument, she gets historical!" 
"Surely you mean 'hysterical',' corrects his friend. 
"No, I mean historical," replies the man. "Every time we argue, she'll go, 'I still remember the time when you ...' "  2043212242 Q: What's the difference between a scotsman and a canoe?
A: A canoe sometimes tips.  2038501719 John goes to see his factory supervisor. 
"Mr Shorland," he says, "we're having a clear-out at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the loft and the garage, moving stuff and taking rubbish to the dump. Would it be possible to take a day's holiday?"
"We're short-handed, John," the supervisor replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, Mr Shorland," says John, "I knew I could count on you!"  1033257046 Q: Why did the Israelis stay out of the gulf war?
A: Because the last time they spoke with a Bush they spent forty years wandering around the desert.  153164961 A snail gets mugged by a gang of tortoises.
When he goes to the police station, the police questions him as to what happened.
He replies, "I don't know, it all happened so quickly!"  107427306 Two brothers are out fishing on a lake one day when one of them hooks a big fish.
 He brings it into the boat only to find that it is the oddest-looking fish either of them has ever seen.
 As he puts it into the cool box, the fish says, "I'm an enchanted fish and if you let me go I'll grant you one wish."
 The fish is too ugly to eat anyway, so the first brother throws him back into the water and then says without thinking, "Alright then, turn this lake into Budweiser!"
 Before you know it -POOF! - the fish turns the lake into a foaming vat of beer. 
"Now why did you go and do a stupid thing like that?" the other brother says. "No we'll have to pee in the boat!"  362362512 "I quit smoking," Jim tells his friend. 
"That's great", his friend replies. "Are you feeling the benefits already?" 
"Sure I am," says Jim. "I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of the old beer cans laying around the house."  1521411257 Q: Why couldn't the pony talk?
A: Because he was a little hoarse.  1060819479 Two Irish workmen are digging a ditch across from a brothel, when one notices a rabbi walking into the place.
 The first workman says to the other, "Sure, it's a sad day when men of cloth go into a place like that."
 After a little while, the other man sees a vicar walking into the brothel.
 He stand up and says to his workmate, "Now, did you see that? No wonder the children today are so confused with the example the clergy is setting for them."
 After about another hour, the first workman sees a Catholic priest walk in.
 He promptly stands up and proclaims to his partner, "Aye, that is truly sad. One of the poor girls must be dying."  786231524 It was announced yesterday that censors have banned the broadcasting of a TV show that claimed to introduce people to the world of jazz and classical music.
Their reasoning?

Too much sax and violins.  1459103653 Patient: "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me. I have an orgasm every time I sneeze." 
Doctor: "That's very interesting. What are you taking for it?"
Patient: "Sneezing powder."  1509105082 A burglar has just broken into a house he's intending to ransack, and he's looking round for things to steal. Suddenly a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room buth there's no one there at all, so he goes back to his business. But again the voice says, 
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps up again and takes a closer look around the room. Sure enough, in the corner by the window, almost obscurred by the curtains, is a cage with a parrot in it, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" 
"And what of it?" says the burlar, "you're only a bird!"
 To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but 'Jesus' is a Pit Bull!"  1114089495 Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.  1450019477 Two tourists were driving through Wales.
 As they were approaching the town of "Llanfairpwllgwyngyll", they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
 They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
 As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"
 The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."  822724123 Waiter: Are you finished?
Guest: No, I'm German.  1030612901 Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border.
A French customs officer stops them and says, " 'Quattro' means four. There are too many people in this car. One of you has to get out."
" 'Quattro' is just the name of the car, for goodness sake," replies the driver. "Look, everybody knows that this care is designed to carry five people. If you don't believe me, call your boss."
"He can't come right now," says the customs officer. "He's busy with two people in a Fiat Uno."  550020896 Q: What kind of friends did the ghost invite to his party?
A: Anybody he could dig up.  1105377656 A plane is in a heavy thunderstorm.
 As the passengers are being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turns to a priest sitting next to her and asks with a nervous laugh, "Father, you're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
 To which the priest replies, "Sorry, lady. I'm in sales, not management."  486319293 What a woman says:
"This is a mess! Come on, you and me have got to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do the laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
Bla, blah, blah, blah, blah, COME ON blah, 
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND ME blah, 
blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR,
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES,
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
  1402615947 Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

 It got caught in a trap,
 chewed off three of its legs,
 and was still stuck.
  554012126 A primary school teacher was asking her class what their parents did for a living. 
"Kevin," she said. "What does your father do all day?" 
"He's a dentist," Kevin replied. 
"That's wonderful. How about you, Sally?" 
"My father is a postman," said Sally shyly. 
"Thank you, Sally," said the teacher. 
"What about your father, Pau?" 
 Paul stood up and proudly announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse." 
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to maths. After school she went to Paul's house to speak with his father.
 The teacher explained what his son had said, to which Paul's father replied, "Well, actually I'm an attorney but how can I explain a think like that to a seven-year old?"  1796540738 Q: What does it take for a man to plan a candlelit dinner?
A: A power cut.  968282183 A beggar goes up to a well-dressed woman who is just coming out of Harrods and says, "Excuse me, madam. I haven't eaten anything in four days."
 She looks at him and replies, "God, I wish I had your willpower."  1756743170 Q: Why didn't the man report that his credit card had been stolen?
A: Because the thief was spending less than his wife.  986111267 "Doctor, doctor, I don't understand what's the matter with me. It's really strange, sometimes I fell like a tepee."
 The doctor thinks about this for a while and then tells the man to carry on. So the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam."
 To which the doctor replies, "I wouldn't worry about it, Mr Matthews, you're just tow tents.(too tense)"
  1382084803 Julie: "My brother is very unusual. He does farmyard impressions."
Eddie: "What's so unusual about that?"
Julie: "He doesn't do the sounds, he does the smells ..."
  827911120 A blonde wants to go ice fishing.
 After reading many books on the subject and purchasing the necessary equipment, she makes her way out onto the ice.
 She positions her chair and starts to cut a hole, when suddenly, from somewhere above, a voice booms, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" 
 Startled, the blonde moves further down the ice and begins to cut another hole.
 Again, from the heavens, the voice bellows, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
 She stops, looks skyward, and says, "Is that you, Lord?"
 The voice replies, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"  188401364 Q: What kind of house weighs the least?
A: A lighthouse.  1687890454 Whilst checking the straight-line border between North Dakota and South Dakota, surveryors discovered that a mistake had been made and that a large farm which was thought to be in North Dakota was actually in South Dakota. 
"I'm sure glad to hear that," said the farmer. "I don't think that I could have lived through another one of those miserable Norht Dakota winters."  320527437 Guest: Waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup.
Waiter: Yes, sir. It's the hot water that kills them.  2059278225 A nun is getting undressed for the bath and while she's standing there naked, there's a knock at the door. 
The nun calls, "Who's there?"
A voice answers, "A blind salesman." 
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while whe's naked, so she lets him in. The salesman walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well, hello there. Where would you be wanting the blinds fitted...?"
  778985664 Q: What's the late-night difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A: The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the fridge and goes to bed.
 The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge.  1559642117 As the doctor finishes examining a patient, he says, "I'm afraid, I can't find a cause for your complaint, but frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," replies the patient, "I'll come back again when you're sober."  1606915957 On an transatlantic flight a priest find himself seated next to a rabbi.
 They start talking and become quite friendly.
 After a while the priest says to the rabbi, "Tell me the truth, rabbi. Have you ever eaten a ham sandwich?"
 The rabbi confesses that he did indeed once eat a ham sandwich.
 He then says to the priest, "Father, you chaps are supposed to be celibate. Have you ever had sex with a woman?"
 The priest confesses that he has.
 "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" says the rabbi.E 40505503 An eleven-year-old boy goes to a Welshman and says, "I was looking through your bedroom windows last night and I saw you in bed with your wife. Ha ha ha!" 
 The Welshman answers, "The joke's on you, Ivor. I wasn't even home last night."E 209871880 Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They follow the psycho path(psychopath, cycle path).  1184113084 There was life before the computer. 
I remember the days when:
-- An application was what you wrote to get a job.
-- A program was something on TV
-- A cursor was somebody who swore a lot
-- A keyboard was something you could play.
-- Memory was something that you lost with age.
-- If you had a broken disc, you couldn't work for weeks.
-- Compress was something you did to rubbish, not a file.
-- And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while!  1052092479 Two men are standing at the top of a cliff.
 One has a budgie on each shoulder, the other a parrot and a shotgun.
 The first man jumps off into the water, and his budgies fly away. 
 Down, he looks up just in time to see his mate jump off, too. 
 As the second man jumps, the parrot flies away.  
 The man pulls out his gun and shoots the bird. 
 He then crashes onto the rocks at the bottom of the cliff. 
 The first man turns to him and says, "I really don't see what is so great about this budgie-jumping(bungee-jumping)." 
 The second man replies, "No, and I'm not too impressed with this free-fall parrot-shooting(parachuting), either."  923086116 Did you hear about the Welsh kamikaze pilot? 
 He flew more than 28 successful missions.  1466126491 Billy and his mother are at the zoo.
Billy: Mum, look over there! That gorilla looks just like Uncle Bernard.
Mother: Shame on you, son! You shouldn't say things like that.
Billy: Sorry, Mum, but I'm sure the gorilla didn't hear me.  59066665 Two elderly couples are having a chat over a cup of tea when one of the men asks the other, "Joe, how was that memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Fantastic," Joe replies. "They taught us all the latest pychological techniques - visualisation, association. It makes a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What's the name of the clinic?"
Joe's mind goes blank. He thinks and thinks, but can't remember.
Then a smile breaks across his face and he asks, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" 
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one!" He turns to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
  310525503 A couple was driving along a country road, not saying a word to each other. 
An earlier discussion had led to  an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. 
As they passed a farmyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" 
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."  289382996 As he is leaving the office one evening, the boss says to his new secretary, "It's five thirty. Time to go. Put your coat on!"
The secretary, who is keen to make a good impression, answers, "Oh, but I haven't finished typing these letters yet."
"I know," replies the boss. "It's time for me to go. I want you to put your coat on because I'm turning off the heating now."  1719115428 Says a guest to a waiter: "The Little Woman and I'll have the Steak Tartar. She'd like hers medium-rare and I want mine well-done!"  1120774370 Q: Why do birds fly south in winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk  1923441057 When the newly wed husband returns from work one day, his wife says to him, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, there's going to be three of us in this house instead of two."
The husband glows with happiness and starts kissing his wife all over until she add, "I'm glad you feel this way, as on Monday my mother is moving in with us."  1026739920 Q: Why did the crab get arrested?
A: Because he kept pinching things.
  583411481 Jake, the avid golfer, contacts a medium and asks if there is a golf course in Heavan. 
The medium tells him that this is a strange request, but she will try and find out and get back to him in a few days. 
After several days Jake gets a call from the medium. 
"What did you find out?" Jake asks.
"Well, I've got good news and bad news for you." says the medium.
"OK, what's the good news?" asks Jake.
"That there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24-hour access with your own personal caddy," answers the medium. 
"And the bad news?" asks Jake. 
"You're due to tee-off at 9:30 on Sunday morning!"  819366561 Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9!  1539958503 A business man is returning home from a business trip and stops at a petrol station to use the toilet. 
There are two stalls and one of them is already occupied by another man. 
They both acknowledge each other and go about their business. 
The business man is finished first but, as he is pulling his trousers back up, some coins drop into the bowl. 
He considers this for a moment and the throws a 20 pound note into the bowl. 
The other man, astonished, asks, "Why on earth did you do that?" 
The business man replies, "You don't expect me to put my hand in there for 35 pence, do you?"  180372718 Q: What starts with an 'e', ends with an 'e' and has only got one letter inside it?
A: An envelope  385047615 Daughter: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I hadn't done."
Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this... By the way, what was it that you hadn't done?"
Daughter: "My homework."  1036825810 Deep within a forest, a little turtle begins to climb a tree. 
After hours of hard effort, it reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs and rather unsurprisingly goes crashing to the ground below. 
After recovering, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground once more. 
He tries this again and again, while two birds sit on a branch nearby, watching his sad efforts. 
Finally the female bird turns to her mate and says: "Don't you think it's time to tell him he was adopted?"  1443278686 Q: How do you get an Irishman to go up on the roof?
A: Tell him that the drinks are on the house.  1944113258 While looking through his filing cabinet one day, a government employee comes across an old brass lamp. 
"This would look great on my mantelpiece," he thinks and starts to polish it. 
To his surprise a genie appears and grants him three wishes. 
"I wish for a cold pint of beer right now!" 
POOF! A pint appears in front of him on his desk, which he picks up and downs in one. 
He thinks for a bit longer about his second wish and says, "I wish to be on a tropical island surrounded by beautiful women." 
POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. 
He then tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I never had to work ever again." 
POOF! He's back in his government office.  1263332093 Teacher: How many seconds are there in a minute?
Mary: 60.
Teacher: And how many seconds are there in an hour?
Mary: 3600.
Teacher: So, how many seconds are there in a year?
Mary: 12.
Teacher: Why 12?
Mary: The second of January, 
          the second of February...  1074930059 Employed as a human resources manager in an up-and-coming London company, a young woman trains employees in proper dress code and etiquette. 
On her first day as she is stepping into the lift, a casually-dressed man in jeans and polo shirt gets in with her. 
She wants to show sense of responsibility from the beginning and scolds, "Dressed alittle casually today, aren't we?"
The man shrugs, "Yeah, I guess so, but that's one benefit of owning the company."  281758549 An army general went to the doctor for a check-up. 
Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions - age, height, weight and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
General: "Oh, it was 1950."
Doctor: "But, isn't that a long time to go without sex?"
General: "I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:15."
E 47145779 Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because every Mexican that can run, jump, and swim is already across the border!  918563805 Q: How many Country and Western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four: 
one to change it, 
one to sing about his heartbreak at the loss of the old one, 
one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, 
one to go "Yeeeee-Ha!" and throw his hat in the air.  1426999833 Irritated wife: "What do you mean by coming home half-drunk?"
Henpecked husband: "It's not my fault. I ran out of money."  173961148 The three different stages of sex in marriage: 
tri-weekly, 
try weekly, 
try weakly.E 1981004450 As a young manager is leaving the office late one evening, she sees the CEO standing in front of the paper shredder. 
The CEO says, "I have a very important document here, and my secretary has already gone home for the evening. I don't suppose you could help me?" 
"Sure," says the manager, eager to make a good impression. She puts the paper in the shredder and presses the start button. 
"Thank you so much!" says the CEO. "I need two copies."  740292042 F: Bush has a short one. 
Schwarzenegger has a long one. 
Madonna does not have one, 
and although the pope has one he does not use it.
A: A last name.
  874436946 The CIA needs an assassin, so they select the two best candidates, a man and a woman. 
In the final test agents take the man to a large metal door and hand him a gun. 
"Inside this room, you will find your wife on a chair. Kill her!" he is told. 
The man replies, "You cant't be serious. I could never kill my own wife." 
One of the agents says, "Then you're not the man we're looking for." 
It is the woman's turn. 
She is told to kill her husband. 
She takes the gun and goes into the room. 
The agents hear a few shots, then someone screaming and banging on the walls. 
After a few minutes, the door opens and the woman says, "This gun was full of blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."  680117989 A customer goes into a shop and says to the assistant, "I'd like to try on the green dress in the window."
"As you wish, madam," replies the shop assistant. "But wouldn't you rather use the changing room?"  2096946612 Husband and wife are returning to their seats in the theatre after an intermission. 
The husband asks a man sitting at the end of a row, "Did I step on your toes as I went out?" 
"Yes, you did, as a matter of fact," says the other angrily, expecting an apology. 
Instead, the man turns to his wife and says, "Alright, honey, this is our row."  1654657185 Before taking an exam, the professor tells the class that any exam paper that is not on his desk in exactly three hours time will not be accepted, and the student will fail. 
After three hours all the students have handed in their papers, except for one, who continues to write. 
Finally, he attempts to put his paper on the top of those already on the professor's desk. 
"I'm not going to accept that, " says the professor. "It's too late. " 
The student looks astonished. 
"Don't you know who I am?" he asks. 
"No, as a matter of fact, I don't," says the professor. 
"Good," says the student, and quickly shoves his exam paper into the middle of the pile  1409513974 When I was younger, I hated going to weddings. 
It seemed like all of my aunts and all the grandmotherly women kept coming up to me, nudging me and saying, "You're next!" 
They stopped that soon enough, though, after I started doing the same thing to them on funerals.  612852243 A man goes to the hairdresser's. 
He's completely bald, with the exception of three single hairs on the top of his head. 
The hairdresser asks him what kind of haircut he wants. 
"Well," says the man, "comb one to the left, one to the right, and comb the middle one to the back." 
"Oh, dear!" says the hairdresser. "I've pulled one out by mistake. What shall I do now?" 
"That's ok," says the man. "Part them. Comb one to the left and one to the right." 
"Oh, no!" says the hairdresser. "I've pulled another one out! What shall I do now?" 
"No problem," says the man. "Just leave it all unkempt."  1993983464 Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because it had noBODY to go with.  1645412064 "Waiter, this steak's too tough. I can't possibly eat it! Call the manager!"
"That won't do any good, sir. He won't be able to eat it either."  182291540 Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.  1167676449 A 50-year-old woman has a heart attack and is taken to hospital, where, upon the operating table she has a near death experience. 
Seeing God, she asks, "Is my time up?" 
God replies, "No, you'll live another 30 years." 
So the woman decides that as she has so much more time to live, she might as well look good. 
She has a facelift, liposuction, and dyes her hair another colour. 
But just as she is leaving the hairdresser's, she is run over by a car. 
Arriving in front of God, she says, "I thought you said I had another 30 years! Lord, why did you let me get killed?" 
God answers, "Because I didn't recognize you!"  1343549282 There are two queues outside the gates of heaven.
Above the first one there is a sign: 'For men with bossy wives'.
Above the second is a sign reading: 'For men who have never been bossed by their wives'.
The first queue is endlessly long, but there is only one man standing in the second queue.
St. Peter goes up to the man and asks him why he is the only one standing there.
"I really don't know," the man replies meekly, "my wife told me to stand here."  243486623 A husband was standing on the bathroom scales, desperately holding his stomach in.
His wife, thinking he was trying to lose weight, remarked, "I don't think that's going to help." 
"I think it is," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"  1507157742 A golfer was spending ages preparing for his tee shot.
"For goodness sake, hurry up!" said his partner.
"But my wife is watching from the club house," he replied. "This has to be a perfect shot."
"Forget it - you'll never hit her from here!"
  1396650402 Q: Why do you never get hungry in the desert?
A: Because of the SAND WHICH is there.  635968800 A man went into a bank and asked the cashier, "Will you check my balance?"
What did the cashier do? He pushed him.  1210153857 A man is lost in the desert and finds a well. 
He looks into it hopefully, but can't see any water. 
So he picks up a big rock and throws it into the well, expecting to hear a big splash. 
Suddenly a sheep jumps past him into the well. 
"Oh!" the man thinks. "That was probably a mirage. I must be hallucinating." 
Then suddenly a shepherd appears and says, "Excuse me, have you seen my sheep?" 
"Why, yes, as a matter of fact," replies the man, rather confused. "A sheep just jumped into this well." 
"That's impossible!" says the shepherd. "I had him tied to a big rock."  355344883 An 86-year-old man marries a 19-year-old girl. 
Returning from their honeymoon, he tells his best friend, "It was fantastic. We made love almost every night," 
"How did you manage that at 86?" asked the friend. 
"Well," said teh new groom, "we almost mad love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday ..."  244499639 My mother-in-law said, "When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave." 
"Good," I said, "I'm going to make sure I'm buried at sea."
  1516518450 Nurse: Doctor, there's an invisible man in your waiting room. 
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now.  147931951 A policeman sees a car driving along the highway at only 22 miles per hour and thinks, "Driving this slowly is as dangerous as speeding!" 
So he stops the car. 
Four elderly ladies are inside, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. 
The lady who is driving asks, "Officer, what have I donw wrong? I was doing 22, exactly the speed limit!" 
Smiling, the officer explains that '22' is the name of the route, not the speed limit. 
"But before you go on," says the policeman, "is everyone in the car alright? The other ladies look like they're really afraid - and they haven't said a word." 
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We've just left Route '119'."  140154719 A worker gets a letter from his employer saying: "Your pay increase will become effective the day you do!"  1674230609 Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you gie me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox  1889643501 During a Sunday church service in England, a collection is taken. 
After the money is counted, the vicar says, "We've taken twenty-one pounds and a penny. I suppose that means there's a visitor from Scotland in our church today."
Suddenly, a voice pipes up from the back, "You are wrong, sir. There are in fact two of us."  116363431 A radio conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian officials: 
Canadians: Please divert your course 5 degrees south to avoid a collision. 
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 5 degrees north to avoid a collision.
Canadians Negative. You will have to divert your course 5 degrees south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier U.S.S Lincoln, the second-largest ship in the United State Atlantic fleet! We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous other support ships. I demand that you change your course 5 degrees north, or measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse.  1810286346 Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.  924657057 Having joined a monastry, a man takes a vow of silence, with the exception of two words every five years. 
After the first five years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. 
"Cold floors," he replies. 
The elders nod and send him away for another five years. 
Time passes, and when he is called in again he says, "Bad food." 
They nod and send him away. 
Five more years go by, and at their next scheduled meeting, he says, "I quit." 
"Well, I can't say that surprises us," said the eldest elder, "all you've donw since you got here is moan and complain."  1282425468 A man walks into a pub with a piece of tarmac under his arm. 
He goes up to the barman and says, "I'll have one for me and one for the road."  902354535 A young actor was thrilled to land a major part in a new play and rushed home to tell his mother the good news. 
"Momma, Momma," he cried. "I got a part. I play the husband." 
His mother looked at him contemptuously. "You mean, you couldn't get a speaking part?"  1004946700 Q: Why don't lobsters share?
A: They're shellfish.  4522311 Customer: Waiter, this egg is bad!
Waiter: Don't blame me, sir! I only lay the table  39126658 A grasshopper walked into a bar. 
The bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." 
The grasshopper said, "You have a drink called Marlon?"  2032589164 A boy tells his girlfriend, "We're going to have a great time Saturday. I got three tickets for the big match." 
"Why do we need three?" she asks. 
"One for you father, 
one for you mother and 
one one for your kid sister..."  477004700 Ever wonder about those people who spend 2 Euros a time on little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards then. (naivE)  1696574601 Some thoughts for the day:

How long a minute is depends on what side of the toilet door you are.

Living on earth is expensive, but you get a free trip around the sun every year.

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.  844678482 "Mum, mum, I don't want to go to school today." 
-"Why not, dear?" 
"They all hate me there, mum. They laugh at my haircut, call me names and some of the big boys keep trying to take my dinner money off me." 
-"But Daniel, you have to go. You are the principal after all."  440656381 A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Mr Jefferson, I have reviewed the case very carefully, and I've decided to give your wife 900 pounds a month." 
"That's very kind of you, your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself."  1973978092 A husband and his wife are sound asleep when suddenly the phone rings. 
The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? What? How on earth do I know? What do you think I am, a weatherman?" 
He then slams the phone down and settles back into bed. 
"Who was that?" asks his wife. 
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."E 1519566382 Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.  1321381154 A foreign visitor to England was completely confused by the language and struggled with the pronunciation of words such as 'enough', 'bough' and 'though'.
However, he gave up altogether when he saw the headline in a local newspaper: 'FETE PRONOUNCED SUCCESS'.  206514318 Q: How do you make a reindeer fast?
A: Don't feed it.  1693458686 A man was sitting quietly in a bar when someone shouted, "All lawyers are jerks!" 
The man jumped to his feet and said, "I resent that." 
-"Are you a lawyer?" 
"No, I'm a jerk."  682444301 A sign in front of Santa's Workshop says: 

Now Hiring:
4 video game programmers
5 computer specialists
1 systems engineer
3 electromechanics engineers
1 ultrasonic welder
2 elastromeric specialists
1 industrial engineer
1 product developer  202756076 A man strorms into a tobacconist's and complains, "I asked you for the best cigar you had and what do you sell me? This rubbish!"
The tobacconist looks at him and says, "You think you've got a problem, Pal? I've got a whole shop full of those things!"  2016633008 Little Xavier is leading a cow through the village one day, when he bumps into the vicar. 
"Where are you taking the cow?" asks the vicar, concerned. 
"I'm taking Daisy to see my father's bull," replies Xavier. "He's got to get her pregnant." 
"Can't your father do it?" asks the vicar. 
-"Nope, it definitely has to be the bull."  99729404 Q: What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbites.  1700626635 Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.  1903657998 "What? That's outrageous!" says one man to his colleague. "I tell you that my wife is expecting a baby, and you've got the cheek to ask me from whom!"
"Calm down, mate," replies the other one. "I just thought you would know, that's all."  1825763304 Teenager: Mum, now that I'm 16, can I wear stilettos and a miniskirt?
Mother: I'd rather you didn't, David.  1793273396 Here are some exampley of product slogans which did not translate well:
-General Motors' Chevrolet Nova flopped in Spain because 'no va' means 'won't go'
-the KFC slogan 'finger-lickin' good' translated into Chinese as 'eat your fingers off'.
-Scandinavian vacuum-cleaner manufacturer Electrolux ran a US campaign: 'Nothing sucks like an Electrolux'. In America 'sucks' is less than complimentary
-When Coors translated its slogan 'Turn it loose' into Spanish, it came across as 'Suffer from diarrhoea'.  984475569 A man checked into a run-down hotel. 
"The room is 15 pounds a night," said the manager. "It's eight pounds if you make your own bed." 
-"Ok, I'll make my own bed." 
"Right, I'll get you some nails and wood."  563218922 There was once a young man whose only desire, as a youth, was to become a great writer. 
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write sutff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.  1182500194 Frenchman to an American in an art gallery: "Do you like Toulouse-Lautrec?"
American: "No, I don't like to lose anything."  804926345 A passenger on a plane runs up to the stewardess and says "Quick! Give me a bottle of whiskey. The woman in the seat next to mine has fainted." 
The stewardess hands him the bottle from which he proceeds to take a long slug. 
"That's better," says the man, "I can't stand sewing unconscious women."  1833072499 A student from a small country town is accepted at Yale University. 
On his first day on campus, he tries to find his way around. 
He approaches a well-dressed student and asks, "Excuse me , can you tell me where's the library at?" 
The other student replies arrogantly, "Don't you know that one should never end a sentence with a preposition?" 
"Ok, then. Where's the library at, dope?"  600137323 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work, and a fat guy in a fancy suit gets all the credit.  1347689984 Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It's Christmas, Eve!  937958135 Math problems?
Call 1-800-[(10x)(9i)³]-[cos(xy)/1.96x]  1980583181 Philosopher's corner:

   Socialism:
You have two cows and give one to your neighbour.
   Communism:
You have two cows; the government takes both and gives you the milk.
   Fascism:
You have two cows; the government takes both and sells you the milk.
   National Socialism:
You have two cows; the government takes both and shoots you.
   Bureaucratism:
You have two cows; the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and  throws the milk away.
   Capitalism:
You have two cows; you sell one and buy a bull.  1991854486 "Those pills you gave me, don't seem to be helping much, doctor. It's been two weeks now, and I'm the same as if I hadn't taken them."
"On the contrary, if you hadn't take them you'd be dead by now."  484856917 Q: What's the difference between cows and babies?
A: Cows turn water into milk.  181042627 "Sorry, but I can't save that tooth. It'll have to come out", the dentist said to his patient.
"How much will I have to pay?" asked the tightfisted patient.
"Fifty pounds," replied the dentist.
"What! That's daylight robbery. Fifty pounds for a minute's work!"
"If it makes you feel better, I could always extract it very slowly," the dentist retorted.  467389143 "My husband must have been a real Casanova before we got married," confided Hillary to her best friend. "Whenever lightning flashes during the night he bolts upright in bed and offers to buy the negatives."  1513196106 The chemist walked over to the customer who had just lit a cigarette and informed him that smoking was forbidden in his shop.
The angry customer blew a cloud of smoke out from the corner of his mouth and bawled: "Who says I can't? I've just bought them here!"
"So what," replied the chemist, "we sell condoms and suppositories, too!"  497283070 Phil: Why are all the male students so attracted to Nancy?
Sidney: It's because of her speech impediment.
Phil: What speech impediment?
Sidney: She can't say "no".  750795766 His flirtatious young wife always wore the shortest of skirts. 
Her husband decided he would like to see her in something long and flowing for a change, so he pushed her into the Thames.  530877693 Once there was a doctor who tried to be a kidnapper. 
He didn't succeed, however, as no one could read his ransom letters.  40208837 Resident of Florida: Here in Florida it's always hot and sunny.
Visitor from Britain: You must find it really hard to start a conversation with a stranger then!  192094889 "Sometimes I wish we had a pope as the head of our firm," moaned one secretary to another.
"What's that?" asked her friend.
"Then we'd only have to kiss his ring!"  977931899 "Sometimes I wish we had a pope as the head of our firm," moaned one secretary to another.
"What's that?" asked her friend.
"Then we'd only have to kiss his ring!"  1889467356 Mr Burns was very overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"For two weeks I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. The next time I see you you should have lost at least three kilos."
After two weeks, Mr Burns weighed ten kilos less. His amazed doctor asked if he had followed his instructions. The now slim Mr Burns nodded and replied: "I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" queried his doctor.
"No, from skipping," answered the patient.  124478103 Nude statues of a man and a woman have been standing facing each other in a park for twenty years. 
To reward their patience, an angel brings them to life for fifteen minutes and they immediately run into the bushes, giggling.
Ten minutes later, they reappear, looking embarrassed. 
The angel tells them they have five minutes left to have fun.
"Oh great!" they cry and, as they run back to the bushes, the woman says to the man: "Right, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on its head!"  934422025 A rather broke student saw a sign on the door of a restaurant which read: "A crisp, new 100 euro note as a prize to anyone who orders something we can't supply."
Thinking he could pick up some easy cash, he went in and ordered an elephant ear roll. The waitress's face fell and she rushed up to the manager and told him he'd better get the euro note ready as there was a man wanting something they didn't have. "What! Don't we have any elephant ears left?" he gasped. "We've still got the ears, but we've completely run out of big buns!" replied the waitress.  476319726 The book, "How to Mate in Fifty Ways: Including Original Illustrations, Translated from the Indian", in its sealed plastic wrapper, was selling like hotcakes in the bookshop, much to the shop assistant's surprise. He couldn't understand why a book on chess moves was selling so well.  1706135333 A boy's voice changes when he gets to puberty. 
A girl's voice when she gets to the phone.  942885839 Archie had lost both his ears in a freak accident at work on a building site. 
On the day he was due back, the foreman warned the other men not to comment on his disability as Archie was still very sensitive about it.
So when Archie arrived, one of the men, trying to make pleasant conversation with him, said: "I see your eyesight is improving, Archie."
"Oh, what makes you think that, Gary?"
"Well, you're not wearing your glasses any more."  914640645 "Mummy, do fairy tales always begin with 'Once upon a time...'?" asked little Susie.
"No, dear", replied her mother. "Sometimes they start with, 'I'm sorry I'm late, dear. I had a lot to do at the office' ".  1984371439 The patient was advised to take three pills a day and a small glass of whisky at night. 
A few weeks later he returned to the doctor and complained that he wasn't feeling much better. 
"Didn't you follow my instructions?" the doctor asked.
"Well part of them", said the patient, "I'm a little behind with the pills, but I'm well in advance with the whisky.'  1368152108 "You've just got a cold and there's no cure for that", the doctor said. "You'll just have to grin and bear it."
"But Doctor", whined his patient, "I'm so ill. There must be something you can do!"
The doctor thought for a moment, and then, trying hard not to show his impatience, said: "Go home and take a cold shower, then put on your swimming trunks and run round the block four times."
"What! I'll catch double pneumonia if I do that", gasped the patient.
"We can cure pneumonia", replied the doctor.  631990405 A forty-year-old man was talking to his girl-friend. 
He told her that he'd been asked to get married on hundreds of occasions.
"Really?" replied the girl, amazed as he wasn't that good-looking. "Who asked you?"
"My parents", he said.  719810185 Patient: I can't possibly be that overweight!
Doctor: Well, let's put it another way. According to this weight chart, you're about thirty centimetres too short.  1347480588 The gangster had committed murder but he had managed to bribe a member of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. 
The jury took nine hours to decide on a verdict of manslaughter. The criminal beamed at the man hed bribed and whispered his gratitude, adding that he hoped it hadn't been too difficult.
"It was really awkward", said the juror, "the others all wanted to acquit you".  1294283497 A: What's the first thing Eskimo children are taught by their parents?
B: I've no idea.
A: Not to eat yellow snow.  1295261988 Lady Bird summons her butler to her bedroom and says to him:
"James, take off my dress."
"Yes, madam", he replies and takes off her dress.
"James, take off my bra."
"Yes, madam", he says and removes her bra.
"James, take off my silk stockings and suspender belt."
"Yes, madam", the butler sighs.
"Now take off my panties and don't ever dare to wear my clothes again!"  2026656153 On Valentine's Day the young man got down on his knee and asked the beautiful young girl to marry him. 
He stressed that his father was ninety-nine years old and would leave him five million pounds when he dies.
The girl asked for time to think about the offer. 
In March she became the young man's stepmother.  776080675 Wally ran panting to the hunting camp. "Is all our group back from the forest yet?" he asked, gulping air.
"Yes", replied Howie. 
"All eight of them?"
"Yes, Wally."
"And no one's injured?"
"No, no one", said Howie, getting rather annoyed. 
"Well, if that's the case, then I've just shot a bear!" beamed Wally.
  1342889752 "Is it really bad luck to have a black cat cross your path?" asked the superstitious boy, avoiding a crack on the pavement.
"Well", replied his friend, "it all depends on whether you are a man or a mouse!"  258767993 Little Arnie came home from school crying. "What's the matter, dear?" asked his worried mother.
"The kids at school keep calling me big head", he sobbed.
"Pay no attention to them. They're only jealous", soothed his mother. "Now will you do some shopping for me? I need a bag of potatoes, two kilos of apples, a dozen eggs, five bananas and a bag of sugar."
"Ok. mum. Which bag will I use?" asked Arnie.
"My shopping bag is broken. Just use your school cap today."  1074145526 "I'm never ever going to take my little sister fishing again!" the little boy complained to his mother.
"Why not, dear?" asked his mother. "Although she's only three, she can swim really well and the water isn't deep in the pond and I'm nearby, so where's the problem?"
"She ate my worms!"  1502261127 Nothing annoys a woman more than having friends drop by unexpectedly to find the house looking like it normally does.  2044167882 One day during tea break the manager discovered his junior secretary with the office boy in the storeroom in a rather compromising position. 
When he asked her to explain she replied, buttoning up her blouse. "Well, neither of us like tea..."  532820662 A young man was going for a drive in the country with his girlfriend, but he was concentrating more on her than on his driving and the car was winding all over the road,
"For goodness sake, use both hands!" she squealed.
"I can't," he replied. "I've got to keep one on the steering wheel  1384730501 The little boy ran into the room where his mother was and shouted: "Come quickly, mummy. There's a man in the garden kissing the au pair girl"
As his mother jumped up to look he cried, giggling: "April Fool, it's only daddy!"
  1048618117 1st Prisoner: "Before I came here I was making big money.'
2nd Prisoner: "Then what are you doing here?"
1st Prisoner: "Unfortunately it was two centimetres too big!"  1595648024 Vince had had a terrible argument with his wife  and had gone down to the pub to cool off. 
There he met a friend called Artie, and over a drink, told him he wished his wife was dead. 
Now, Artie had always wanted to murder someone so he offered to kill her for a pound. 
Vince agreed and Artie set about doing so.
He followed her around for a few days and then finally getting up the courage to kill her, he ran up to her and grabbed her throat as she was putting some shopping in her supermarket trolley. Two ladies witnessed the strangling and Artie decided to kill them as well.
Next day the local newspaper carried the headline: "ARTIE CHOKES THREE F0R  A POUND AT LOCAL SUPERMARKET"E 1495267134 A beautiful young girl was being interviewed for a job. When asked about her hobbies and interests she said that she spent her holidays touring on a motorbike and camping with her boyfriend.
"Doesn't your mother worry about you?" the interviewer asked, amazed.
"Oh no, not at all! I always wear a crash helmet," she answered.  2025632256 Two soldiers were strolling around their camp when they came across a dead animal.
"Look, there's a dead donkey," said one soldier. 
"Don't be daft, that's a mule!" said the other. 
-"Rubbish! It's a donkey."
"It's a mule, I tell you!" 
This went on for some time until an officer passed by and they asked him to settle the dispute.
"It's an ass. Now dig a hole and bury it!" he ordered.
While they were digging the grave a young nurse passed by and asked if they were digging a foxhole. 
Both soldiers immediately replied, "Nope!"  276100810 Joe and Joan were drinking their morning coffee and listening to the weather report on the radio. 
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the streets to let the snowploughs through."
 Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up. 
The next day they were drinking their coffee again. 
The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declard. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the streets to let the snowploughs through." 
Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up. 
Two days later, again they're drinking their coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." and the power went out. 
Joe didn’t get the rest of the instructions. 
He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"
Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the garage today."  728099256 Q: How do you fix a broken gorilla? 
A: With a monkey wrench!   906271310 Q: Where do animals go when they lose their tails? 
A: To a retail store!   1656821768 Q: What horse never goes out in the day time? 
A: A night mare!   1835390422 Q: What is black and yellow and goes "zzub, zzub"? 
A: A bee flying backwards!   309475535 Q: Why are mosquitoes so annoying? 
A: They get under your skin!   197869850 Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? 
A: A woolly jumper!   1551940603 Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? 
A: It's too far to walk!   472319119 Q: What begins with "p", ends with "e", and has millions of letters?
A: The post office  2061903678 Q: What animal can jump higher than a tall building?
A: Any animal. A building can't jump.  808619101 I asked my doctor if he thought I would live to the age of 80.
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcohol?"
"Oh, no," I replied. "I don't take drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat steaks and hamburgers?"
I said, "No. I've been told that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing golf, sailing or hiking?
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn?"E 187188267 Sally went to a pet shop to buy a red pullover for her dog. The shop assistant suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fitting. 
"I can't do that," Sally said. "It's meant to be a surprise!"  1871980989 The summer vacation was over, and the teacher asked Martin about his family's trip to the American Midwest. 
"We visited my grandparents in Mineapolis, Minnesota," Martin said. 
The teacher then asked, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
After thinking carefully, Martin replied, "Actually, we went to Ohio."  1279732854 There are three good reasons to be a teacher:
June, July and August  884212112 A hardware specialist, a programmer and a marketing manager are driving along in a car. 
Suddenly, the right rear tyre goes flat, and the car rolls to a stop. The three get out and look at the damage.
The hardware specialist says, "Let's swap the front and rear tyres. Maybe that will solve the problem."
The programmer says, "Let's turn the car off and back on again. Maybe the problem will go away by itself."
The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75 per cent of the tires are fine. Where's the problem?"  278594699 Doesn't it make you nervous that a doctor's office is called a "practice"?  2119327573 Signs that don't really express what they are supposed to:
At a second-hand furniture shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
At a bank: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?"
On the gate of a private school: "No trespassing without permission."
At a repair shop: "We always give our customers the lowest possible prices and quality."  1203963718 Patient: "Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire."
Doctor: "Drink this glass of juice."
Patient: "Will it make me better?"
Doctor: "No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks."  1890186504 An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man keeps a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is out to lunch, the young man yields to temptation and scoffs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man guiltily confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&M's."  911208805 A feminist did a story on gender roles in Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the women customarily walked five steps behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. 
From her point of view, despite the overthrow of the oppressive regime, the women now seemed to walk even further behind their husbands.

She approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

"Land mines", came the reply.

Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.  2013643995 A priest woke up one Sunday morning and looking outside he saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf.

The priest drove about 40 miles out of town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in Heaven and asked him, "Are you going to let him get away with this?" God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it.

Just as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball travelled 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God, "Why would you let him do that?"

God replied, "Because, who is he going to tell?"  579519774 Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.  1458357248 Q: How many "real men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, "real men" aren't afraid of the dark.  1902537850 An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman were being chased by an angry farmer with a shotgun. After running some distance they spotted a barn and ran inside.

In the barn they each hid in an old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn, not knowing where they had gone, and saw the three suspicious looking sacks.

He prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said, "Meow."
"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman inside said, "Squeak."
"Just rats," thought the farmer.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman was working out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said, "Potatoes!"  1944409342 Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."  746377512 A young woman was taking a nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I've just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think that means?" "You'll know tonight," said the husband mysteriously.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to this wife. Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".  834103407 An accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "This dinosaur happens to be 90 million years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and te guide said the dinosaur was ninety million years old."  2073476188 There are two blonds and a brunette on an island.
One of the blondes finds a bottle, rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says he will grant them one wish each, so the first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowing boat."
With a flash, a boat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.

The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, too, I need a jet ski."
With a flash, a jet ski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtakig the first blonde.

The genie looks inquiringly toward the brunette, who, with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."  909601946 Q: What's the best time for a dental appointment?
A: Tooth-thirty.  123758171 A: Knock Knock!
B: Who's there?
A: Cash.
B: Cash who?
A: No thanks. I prefer almonds.  1564416969 A man and a little boy entered a barber's shop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, and haircut - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a newspaper and some ciggies," he said. "I'll be back in a minute."

When the boy's haircut was complete and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Seems like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"Oh that wasn't my dad," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"  771749688 Husband: When I get angry with you, you never fight back. How do you control your temper?
Wife: I go and clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.  1822407966 An old couple is in a taxi in America.
The taxi driver says, "So where abouts in Engladn are you folks rom?"

The old man replies, "From Yorkshire."

The old lay, who is a bit hard of hearing, says, "What did he say?"

The old man says, "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire."

The taxi driver says, "I've been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right witch. That really put me off going back to England."

Again the old lady says, "What did he say?"

The old man says, "I think the driver knows you!"  862588431 One day John asked Fred, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who would make a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found plenty of women I wanted to marry, but when they meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

John thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few weeks later they meet again and John says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did you mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

"Then what's the problem?" John asked.

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."  1640442916 Q: What's black and comes out of the ground shouting "Knickers, knickers, knickers"?
A: Crude oil.
Q: What's yellow and comes out of cans saying "Lingerie, lingerie, lingerie"?
A:  Refined oil.  964725433 A guy asks his waiter in a seafood restaurant how they prepare their lobster.
The waiter replies, "There's nothing special. We just tell them straight they're gonna die."  402960604 On a crowded bus, one man noticed that the man sitting next to him had his eyes closed. 

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.

"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."  383105784 Boss (to employee): "Experts say that humour on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Knock, knock." 

Employee:"Who's there?"

Boss: "Not you anymore."  296467391 A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall, shaking the casket. They hear a faint groan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive!

They let the woman out of the casket, she lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying the casket ouf of the church. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"  667138478 A big intimidating hooligan walks into a bar, bangs his fist on the counter, and shouts, "Give me a Budweiser, or ...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens every day for a week and gradually the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it nonetheless.
The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

"O-r-r-r ... w-w-what?" stutters the bartender.

"A diet Coke."  2008538993 One day a mother took her young daughter with her to the bank.
In the queue they found themselves behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit and a pager.
As they waited, the little girl said loudly, "Mummy, that lady's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in her daughter's ear to be quiet.
Two minutes later the little girl spread her hands out wide and announced, "I'll bet her behind is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little girl.
The mother gave her daughter a good telling off, and told her to be quiet.
Finally, the large woman reached the front of the queue when her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little girl yelled out, "Runy Mummy, she's backing up!"  1457855734 A guy walks into a bar with a set of jump-leads. The barman looks at him carefully before saying, "I hope you're not going to start anything."  1044187704 Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
A: Their middle names.  327475799 A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. However, when he finished, he found his horse had been stolen by some locals. He came back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I did back in Texas!"

At this some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The barkeeper walked out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened back in Texas?"

The cowboy turned and said, "I had to walk home!"  1582058544 One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was putting her son to bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep in my bed tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

There was a long silence, which was broken at last by the child's shaky voice: "The big sissy."  834863790 Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?
A: I'm a bacon!  488611671 A dismayed husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.

"What on earth are you doing?" he shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover, "See, I told you he was stupid."E 402773406 A buzzard was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the buzzard and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

"Sure you can," answered the buzzard. "Nothing to it."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the buzzard, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

"The moral of the story?

To be sitting and doing nothing all day long, you must be sitting very, very high up.  1220712917 On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out of the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking light on the tip of the wing. Eventually, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think someone should tell the pilot that his left indicator is on and has been for some time."  2119047563 Q: Why are footballers never invited to dinner?
A: Because they are always dribbling.  804056950 Tom and Pete are business partners and they make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the other from the afterlife. Then one day Pete dies. Tom doesn't hear from him for over a year and figures there is no afterlife. Then out of the blue he gets a call. It's Pete.

"So there is a afterlife! What's it like?" Tom asks.

"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."

"So that's what heaven is like?" asks Tom.

"I'm not in heaven," replies Pete. "I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."E 718344527 "Cash, cheque or direct debit?" asked the store assistant, folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her purse, the assistant noticed a remote control for a television set in her handbag.

"So, do you always take your TV remote everywhere you go?" he asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."  2006561153 A drunk got on a bus and sat down next to a priest.
The drunk smelled like a brewery, his face was covered with lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women ad too much alcohol," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered and continued reading his paper.

The priest then turned to the man and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, Father," the drunk said. "But I just read in the paper that the Pope does."  1061864101 Q: What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker?
A: Hop in.  921490363 Young Bobby had never seen a plate of jelly in his life. He sat there at the dinner table staring at it for a long moment, watching it quiver.
"Go ahead and eat it," his mother ordered. 

"I can't eat it!" the boy replied in amazement. "It isn't dead yet!"  1357077961 Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A Piiig  969953496 A mother takes her daughter to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to examine my 13 year-old daughter."

"Well madam, she's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, puncutated by episodic radical mood swings, but her prognosis is good for full recovery," said the doctor.

"How can you say all that without even seeing her?" asked the mother.

The psychiatrist replied, "Didn't you say she was 13?"  1199089066 Two bachelors were talking. Their conversation drifted form football to cooking.
"I got given a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"That's right. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and ...' "  792811298 A man is driving his young son to a friend's house when another car cuts in front of them, nearly causing an accident. "Idiot", that father yells. A moment later he realizes his indiscretion, pulls over and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, doesn't make it right, and I don't want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His on looks at him and replies, "Too late, idiot."  1710596193 A guy goes to the hardware store to buy some insecticide. He holds up a box and asks the assistant, "Is this stuff good for beetles?"
The Manager replies, "NO, it'll kill 'em."  1204007403 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry Sir, but you are allowed only one seat."

The man moaned but didn't budge. 

"Sir," the usher repeated, if you don't move, I'll have to call the police."

The man moaned again but stayed where he was.

When the police came, the cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right buddy, what' you rname?"

"Frank," he mumbled.
"And where are you from, Frank?"

Frank responded painfully, "The balcony!"  1658750274 A man came rushing into the house and exclaimed to his wife, "I've found a fantastic job! The salary is great. It offers paid holidays and free medical insurance!"

"That's wonderful, darling," replied his wife.

"I knew you'd be pleased," the husband said. "You start tomorrow morning!"  609770229 A vicar waited in line to have his car filled with petrol just before a long holiday week-end. The attendant was working quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if nowadays everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The vicar chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."  1821128451 Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says, "You see that Indian? He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian loks up.  "Covered wagon," he says, "about three miles away. Has two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Amazing", says the cowboy to  his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses they have, what colour the are, who and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."  1114474692 Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake and asks "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"
"Why, yes we are", she replies.
Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes honey, we are very poisonous."
The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really, really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really, really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the work. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!"  541520650 On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time.
He waved, jumped up and down, and called out to the bird.

Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed disappointedly, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't seem to recognize me."  992941860 Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!  708008977 Paddy ordered one of his workers to dig a hole six feet deep. After the job was completed Paddy returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed after all. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. Therefore he went to Paddy's office and explained his problem.

On hearing this Paddy snorted "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig the hole deeper!"  1404009560 A man was speeding down the motorway in a bunch of cars all travelling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got snapped with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the ticket, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah ..." the confused man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"  506650138 My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.  725739959 Eddie was at home watching television when his wife came into the room and asked, "If I died would you get married again?"
Eddie thought for a second then said, "Well I guess so."
The she asked, "Would you have her as your golfing partner?"
Eddie replied, "Yes, I probably would do that, too."
"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?" cried his wife.
Eddie stared at her for a moment, then said, "No, she's left handed!"  525963119 A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having problems keeping time with the rest of the band.

Finally, the conductor said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. It's up to you, sync or swim."  524535336 A young blonde lady, in obvious pain, went to the doctor. She told him she had fallen down the stairs. "Missed the step, did you ?" asked the doctor sympathetically. "Oh no, doctor", she replied, "I hit all of them!"  1702318074 10 REASONS WHY A CAT IS BETTER THAN A MAN:
1. A cat loves you till it dies.
2. A cat never wants to borrow money from you .
3. A cat doesn't have to be encouraged to put on fresh socks every day.
4. A cat doesn't expect you to treat its mother with respect.
5. A cat doesn't boast about the number of previous partners it has had.
6. A cat doesn't ask you if the delicious soup you spent ages making came out of a tin.
7. A cat doesn't snore all night and keep you awake.
8. A cat doesn't think that it is God's greatest gift to you.
9. A cat doesn't sulk if you go out for the evening and leave it on its own.
10. If a cat has a minor illness, it doesn't go on as if its days were numbered!  1696434497 A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Suddenly he hears a very small voice say, "Nice Tie."
He looks around and there is no one else in the room. As he takes a drink, another little voice says, "Nice shirt."
Again, no one else around. The guy looks at the bartender quizzically and the bartender says, "It's the peanuts - they're complimentary."  72668866 A man walks into a junk shop and sees an ornamental brass rat. He asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£25 for the rat, £250 for the story", replies the shopkeeper.
"Forget the story", says the man, "I'll just have the statue."

He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from a drain and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats. The man keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat off the cliff, and the rats follow, plunging to certain death. The man then runs back to the shop.
"Ah", says the shopkeeper. "Are you back for the story?"
"Forget the story. Do you have a brass Man United fan?"  2565565336057190566 Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't find them funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.  998829514563691620 Two lorry drivers arrive in front of a tunnel. The sign says "MAXIMUM HEIGHT 3 METERS".
The first driver measures his truck and says, "Darn ... 3.3 meters!"
The second one looks furtively over both shoulders and says, "No police anywhere. We can go!"  465869375125713132 A police officer pulled a car over and informed the driver that he was going 60 mph in a 50 mph zone.
"I was only going 50!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the officer said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the officer retorted.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."  1814915818469731068 A Russian, an American and a blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the frist in space!"
The American said, "We were the first to land on the moon!"
The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first to land on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the American.
To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"  1388844777655140840 A lawyer calls his client to tell him about the fees he owes him.
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through this papers. "You owe me $1000 now and $402.09 cents each month for the next thirty-six months."

"What ! That sound like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"You're right. It's mine."  1485888885547672605 Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine.  1533923502557326208 A man walks into a bar. "What'll you have?" asks the bartender.
"Rum, please," says the man.
The bartender hands him the drink, "That'll be two pounds."
"I don't owe you anything," says the man. "in the original offer, which is binding upon acceptance, there was no mention of remuneration."
The bartender replies, "OK, you got yourself a free drink. But don't let me catch you in here again."
The next day, the same man walks into the bar. "Out!" roars the bartender, "I told you not to come back!"
"But I've never been here in my life," protests the man.
The barman is embarrassed. "I'm very sorry, but this is unbelievable. You must have a double."
The man grins at him. "Cheers! Make it rum."  1137013450187735442 Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday school, each deep in his own thoughts.
Finally one said to the other, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your dad, too."  129622319411234936 Man: This food isn't fit for a pig!
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, I'll bring you some that is.  53825893281064767 Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?

One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.  684892231790329212 A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

Three years later the priest returned. He went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to one set of twins and one set of triplets. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome," came the reply, "to blow that candle out."  1153718685553396248 My brother-in-law is a bit on the crazy side. The first time he went up in an airplane, it was to parachute jump.

The second time was a few months later on a commercial flight. When the plane started the descent for landing, he got a bit nervous.

The lady sitting next to him asked, "Is this your first time flying?"

And he responded, "No. Just my first time landing."  1102934874847666001 A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit. Her question was: "If you were in a vacuum and someone called your name, would you be able to hear it?"
She thought carefully and then asked, "Is it on or off?"  929928478628182246 A short history of medicine
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

1500 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1840 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1930 A.D. - "That potion is poison, swallow this pill."
1990 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2009 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"  236735330509892550 Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A bin lorry.  966685522031695998 Why a dog is better than a woman:
1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
2. A dog doesn't complain when you leave your clothes on the floor.
3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
4. A dog never expects you to call it.
5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
7. A dog does not get jealous if you pay attention to another dog.
8. A dog never expects flowers for its birthday.
9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
10. A dog doesn't go shopping.  652530068966220257 Two guy went to get a pizza one night and on the way home were pulled over for speeding. The police officer went to the car and started asking questions. He looked in the back, saw the pizza, and asked, "Is that pizza hot?"

The driver said, "No officer. We paid for that!"  91184782533538470 One day a guy was driving with his four-year-old son and beepd his car horn by mistake. The son turned and looked at his father for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
The son replied, "I know that, daddy."
The father is confused. "How'd you know?"
"Because you didn't say 'Jerk!' afterwards!"  1996793152517847264 A tiny but fearsome old lady was among a group at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one quite modern painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He replied condescendingly, "That, my dear, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"  822123987548131228 The barn at Martin and Jenny's farm burned down, and Jenny called the insurance company. 
"We had that barn insured for $100,000 and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Just a minute, Jenny, it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Jenny thought for a moment, and then replied, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."  2181736859195455596 Some of life's obscure questions to ponder:
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?
Why is what doctors do called "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?  378742056036666140 Some of life's obscure questions to ponder:
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
Would it be reasonable to say that Atheism is a non-prophet organisation?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole aeroplane made out of that stuff?  1253139828573696504 An old man goes to a wizard and asks him if he can remove a "curse" he has been living with for the last 50 years.

The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you in the first place."

Without hesitation the old man says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."  10234256144245350 Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life?
A: Third grade.  1420476704643976382 A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes.
Police suspect a cereal killer!  1078599361492346738 A man visiting a doctor says, "Doctor, I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment."
The doctor replies, "But you are not one of my patients."
The man says, "I know. But my uncle Ernest was, and I am his heir."  2696978508411871236 A businessman was forced to take a day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic violation. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called it was late in the afternoon and the judge ordered that court be adjourned until the next day when he would haave to return. "What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Thrity dollars contempt of court. That's what for!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet added, "It's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The man replied, "It's ok your honour, I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!"  913291169576622790 What women say and what they actually mean
We need = I want
It's your decision = the correct decision should be ovious to you
Do what you want =You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = of course I'm upset, you idiot!
You're ... so manly = you need a shave and you sweat a lot
This kitchen is so small = I want a new house
The car is empty = go and fill it up
The car is dirty = go and wash it 
The bin is full = take it out!  3145272690214732245 Teacher: Tim, what is the chemical formula of water?
Tim: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.
Teacher: What on earth do you mean, boy?
Tim: Well, you said it is H2O  318600802173705282 The tyrannical senior partner of a law firm finally passed away, but his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.
"I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer until finally the receptionist who took the calls began to realize it was always the same voice on the phone.
She asked who it was and why he kept calling.
The reply came, "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."  1940469251295762845 Q: How many psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but that light bulb really has to want to change!  2616949905492731067 A professor was grading his students' exams. He opened the paper of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written on the paper was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."
A week later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read what I'd written on my exam paper?"
The professor handed the student the exam paper.
The student opened it to reveal a $50 bill and the sentence "$50 = 50% - You fail!"  3783294807097255764 A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Please pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect."  1727806055828652255 Two men are talking. The first says, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes."
"That's funny," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons."  32462327310258176 Teacher: What is the plural of mouse?
Pupil: Mice.
Teacher: Good, now what's the plural of baby?
Pupil: Twins.  116133009029394595 A man went to an auction and bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on placing bets, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he had bid considerably more than he intended, he was successful - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to  find out he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"  1941870649951859300 Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Mathews stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned, Mrs. Matthews."  615388870257433055 A: When we get married I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
B: That's very kind of you, honey. But I don't have any worries or troubles.
A: Well that's because we're not married yet.  803223407894282916 A man escaped jail by digging a tunnel from his jail cell to teh outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little boy. "I'm four."  985270413424386900 There was a new super computer which they claimed knew everything. A sceptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
The computer bleeped and whirred for a short while and then answered, "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The sceptical man said trimphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a five pound salmon."  758828899522781100 Three grown-up sons had bought gifts for their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a house for Mom."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.,"
The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys going to church? I sent her a parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took ther elders in the church 12 years to train him. He's one of a kind."
Sonn thereafter, Mom sent out her thank-you letters.
"Tom, the house you built is so huge. I only live in one room, but have to clean the whole house."
"Don, I am too old to travel any more. I rarely use the Mercedes and the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Paul, you have the sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"  277487566045702391 Wife: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
Husband: Don't you ever want to improve?  769212956397354924 Three clever men and one wise man are walking through Namibia when they find the skeleton of a lion. The first clever man says, "I can rebuild this skeleton," and proceeds to do so. The second clever man says, "I can rebuild the muscles and organs," and does so. The third clever man says, "I can breathe the spirit of life back into the body," and does so.

The wise man says, "Excuse me, but I am going to climb this tree."  806556946224092011 Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Doctor: Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.  1645681810097862514 Woman: You remind me of the sea.
Man: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Woman: No, because you make me sick.E 1376631624693516512 Only in America...
Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America do people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do people buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America do people order double cheese-burgers, large fries and a diet coke.  340016168537494173 Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot.  1943161429807117905 A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.
"Well son," began the old guy. "It was 1931. The depth of the Great Depression I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and at the end of the day I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and at the end of the day I sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us five million dollars."  1265716435181179824 A stupid guy was canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood looking for handyman work. He went to one house and asked if there were any jobs for him to do.
"How much to paint my porch?", asked the homeowner.
"$50," he replied.
The homeowner agreed and gave him the paint and ladders he would need.
Inside the house the homeowner's wife asked, "Does he realize just how big the porch ist?"
The homeowner replied, "He should. He was just standing on it."
A little later, the guy came to collect his money.
"Finished already?" the homeowner asked.
"Yup," the guy answered. "I even had enough paint to give it two coats."
Impressed, the homeowner paid him $50.
"By the way," he added. "It's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."  1090389407642700074 A civil servant went to a doctor.
"Doctor, I am suffering from exhaustion. Please help me," he said.
After a careful examination the doctor suggested, "You need complete rest. Return to your office as soon as possible."  1888503773042730645 Husband: Why do you always carry my photo in your handbag to the office?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Husband: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What problem could there ever be greater than this one?  1555081304850125127 Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll just go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright," said the clerk. "How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'll just go check." After a while, he came back and said, "A long time. We're going to build a house."  570394851450801468 A hole has appeared in the ladies' changing rooms at the fitness club.
Police are looking into it!E 429116090217460490 A woman's dishwasher was broken so she called a repairman.
She had to work the next day so she said, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the table, and I'll mail you the cheque. Don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But wathever you do, don't talk to my parrot!"
Arriving at her apartment, the repairman discovered the most ferocious looking Rottweiler he had ever seen, yet the dog just lay there, watching the repairman work.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking until he couldn't stand it any longer and he shouted at the bird to be quiet.
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"  249898648395512390 Aoccrdnig to rscheearch dnoe at Ofxrod Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a probelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Spooky eh?  1990859367062713248 Four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, could you tell me your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?"  1182219105644732988 The young lady's guide to men:
Men are like table mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like mascara. They run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like bicycle helmets. They are useful in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like lava lamps. They are nice to look at, but not at all bright.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like stiletto heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it!  269995724882365636 An inebriated man walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.
"Get out," says the bartender. "We don't serve drunks here."
The drunken man acknowledges this fact and staggers out of the front door, only to come back in through the back door. He sits down, bangs his fist on the bar and demands a drink.
"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!"
The drunk gets off his tool, stumbles out of the back door, and comes back in through the side door. Once again, he sits at the bar and demands a drink.
The bartender, now quite livid, looks at the drunk and yells, "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!"
The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs, "How many bars do you work at, anyway?"  2875038675085412966 Customer: How much for a haircut?
Barber: Twelve dollars.
Customer: How much for a shave then?
Barber: Six dollars.
Customer: Then please shave my head.  118501167843285725 One Friday a man decided not to go home, rather to stay out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's pay.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife, who shouted and yelled for nearly two hours about how irresponsible he was. Finally when she stopped, she said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" 
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
So Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.  182283226270860800 Q: Why did the blonde return her new scarf?
A: It was too tight.  715435625406057351 A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a fat, hairy construction worker. They got into a conversation and the man asked him what he would do if he only had five minutes left to live.
"Well, I haven't lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I'd kiss anything that moves," the construction worker answered. "What would you do?"
-"I'd stand perfectly still."  979729009464110280 A man was taken to the Sisters of Mercy Hospital for surgery. The operation went well and, as the man regained consciousness, he was visited by one of the Sisters.
"Mr. Jones, you're going to be just fine," said the nun. "But we do need to know how you intend to pay for your stay here. Do you have insurance?"
"No, I don't," the man whispered.
"Can you pay in cash?", persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives?", the nun asked.
"Just my sister. But she's a humble spinster nun just like yourself."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Jones. Nuns are not 'spinsters'. They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Jones. "In that case, just send the bill to my brother-in-law."  3966172749485038161 Old dog says to another: "If you've had enough of chasing sticks, get him a boomerang - that's what I did."  480875224369014072 Q: Did you hear about the € 5,000,000 Irish State Lottery?
A: The winner gets € 5 a year for a million years.  79560759289188945 Father: How were your marks in the exam?
Son: Underwater, dad.
Father: And what does that mean?
Son: All below C level.  3095278369154972064 The manager of a large company asked a new employee to come into his office.
"What is your name?", was the first thing the manager asked.
"Larry," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Walters, Marks, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Larry Darling."
The manager continued "Okay, Larry, the next thing I want to tell you is ..."  474823626637931595 Q: What's a transvestite's idea of a good time?
A: Eat, drink, and be Mary!  64335382322262240 A man bought tickets from the ticket window of a theatre. A few minutes later he returned and bought two more. When, after a short interval, he came back to buy two more tickets, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up.
"Aren't you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a little while before that?"
"Yes", replied the man plaintively. "But there's some fool at the gate who keeps tearing them up!"  489766196930769114 Waiter, this coffee is horrible, it tastes like earth!
Yes Sir, it was ground yesterday.  1824127896332836650 Every nation has to write a book about the elephant:
The French book: The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 Ways to Cook Elephant
The English book: Elephants I have Shot on Safari
The American book: How to Make Bigger and better Elephants
The Japanese book: How to Make Smaller and Cheaper Elephants
The Scottish book: How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finish book: What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People?
The German book: A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6
The Icelandic book: Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book: Switzerland - The Country Through Which Hannibal Went with his Elephants
The Swedish book: How to Reduce Your Taxes with an Elephant  289908741704618340 During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to a  popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the man yelled from the back of the theatre, "How did you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician replied, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man shouted back, "Ok then. Just tell my wife!"  717684262157450814 A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them!"
Her friend said, "OK, what's the capital of England?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy! E."  1743692687843526945 A man left his cat with his brother while he went on holiday for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother said, "I'm sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You could have broken it to me more gently than that. When I called the first time, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't caome down. The next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vert was working on patching him up. Then when I called again, you could have said he had passed away."
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?", asked the man. 
"She's on the roof and won't come down."  1673933104613718080 Boss to his secretary: I thought that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you had to see your dentist?
Secretary: That's right, sir.
Boss: So why did I see you coming out of the cinema with a young man?
Secretary: That was my dentist  964401138206734854 Murphy applied for a position at an Irish firm. An American applied for the same job and as both applicants had the same qualifications the manager asked them to take a test.
Upon completing the test both men had only missed one question. The manager said to Murphy, "Thanks for your interest, but we've given the job to the American."
Murphy said, "Why would you do that? We both got nine questions correct. This is Ireland and I'm Irish. I should get the job!"
The manager replied, "Well, we based our decision on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
"Simple. The American's answer to question five was 'I don't know.' Yours was 'Neither do I'."  865222696669905630 Q: Why did the scientist fix a door knocker to the door of his house?
A: To win a no-bel prize.  152820704861402565 Funny signs
Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.
Butcher's windows: Pleased to meat you.
Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Beauty shop: Dye now!
Garbage truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer store: Out for a quick byte.
Diner window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Music library: Bach in a minute.
Funeral home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.  3191167737136059971 Girlfriend: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
Boyfriend: Sure, what's your phone number?  2808644733576840898 A blonde went to a flying school to learn how to fly. As all the planes were in use the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on  how to pilot a helicopter solo. He took her out, showed her how to start it and sent her on her way.
After climbing 1000 feet, she called in, "I'm getting the hang of this! It's a beautiful view."
After 2000 feet, she radioed in again, saying how easy it was to fly. But after that, silence...
Then the instructor watched in horror as she crashed a short distance away.  He ran to the wreck and pulled her out.
When he asked what happened, she said, "Everything was going fine, but the higher I got the colder I felt. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"  2729945436070009076 A customer sent an order to a supplier for a large amount of goods costing a great deal of money.
The supplier noticed however that the customer hadn't paid his previous bill, so he left a voice-mail for the customer saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the supplier received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."  2141768977508597991 Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: Lunch is on me.  1364979042133830454 A hunting guide got himself into an embarrassing situation when his party became hopelessly lost in the mountains. Of course they blamed him for leading them astry.
"You told us you were the best guide in Montana!", they yelled.
"I am," He replied. "But I think we're in Alberta now."  1222304834213676030 A farmer owns a herd of pigs. One day a man comes to his farm and asks:
"What do you feed your pigs on?"
"Trash from the farm."
"What? I'm from the Animal Welfare Society. How dare you feed them trash? I'm fining you $5,000!"
A month later two men come to the farm and ask the farmer the same question. 
He replies: "I give them caviar for starters, and to follow they get steak."
the men get very angry: "We are from a Charity Organisation and this is a scandal. Human beings are starving and you give such food to pigs? We're fining you $10,000!"
The following month a woman turns up and asks the same question.
The farmer stares at her and says:
"I give them $1 each and they can buy what they want!"  581720677093331748 A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers' club by mistake. The old legal eagles gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was happy to escape. 
"It isn't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers. We had $150 when we broke in!"  1199994688647715966 A life long supporter of the Tony party was lying on his deathbed when he suddenly decided to join the Labour party.
"But why?", asked his puzzled friend. "You're Conservative through and through. Why change now after all these years?"
The man leaned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."  860071895443536888 A man and a woman were having dinner in an exclusive restaurant. The waitress, taking an order at another table noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, while the whole time the woman was acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man disappeared under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm, apparently unaware that her companion had disappeared.
After the waitress had finished taking the order, she came over and said to the woman, "Pardon me, madam, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly loked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."  1423532848421577989 Q: What's the difference between a Jeweller and a jailer?
A: One sells watches and the other watches cells.  299047053256701152 A man had passed out as he came out of his front door onto the porch of his house.
Someone called 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower  1817185490801923480 A man goes to the Olympics and sees a guy carrying a long pole.
He asks, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
The guy replies, "No I'm German, and my name is Hans."  123059823297372112 A blonde was watching TB, when the doorbell rang. She opened the door to find a young man on the doorstep with a clipboard in his hand.
"What can I do for you?", she asked. "Are you selling something?"
"No, I'm not. I'm a Census Enumerator."
"A what?"
"A Census Enumerator. We're trying to find out how many people live in the country."
"You're wasting your time here. I've got no idea!"  413499172135217946 Q: Why didn't the hotdog star in the movies?
A: Because the rolls weren't good enough.  814611888463857120 A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back. His father said, "How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers?"  448896283150929680 A married couple is sitting in a posh restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband remarks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes," she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him eight years ago."
"That's remarkable," the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."  26250190045165373 On the first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you reach 300 feet."
One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet?"
"A good point," he replied. "At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"  2822979424126099872 An old farmer had a large pond on his farm. Surrounded by apple trees the pond was really nice. It had some picnic tables by the water and was ideal for swimming.
One evening the farmer went to his pond with a big bucket to bring back some fruit. As he approached, he heard voices shouting and laughing. It was, he realized, a bunch of beautiful young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of them shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."  2076212073256890790 Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
Billy: Who, me?
Teacher: Well done!  48383720849184160 A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around a supermarket in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma" or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma."
A bewildered shopper who witnessed all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your granchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to university and this is what she came home with."  1992330885345414215 The boss of a company: "Here at Young & Sons we like to treat all our employees as individuals. This, for example, is individual no. P2205."  635105583062275300 Q: What do you call a group of men breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments?
A: Luters.  1034445808142070246 A student taking a phillosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"
The student wrote: "This", signed it, and handed it in.  1158437051969397968 I was in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour when the nurse said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the proud father of twins!" The man replied,"How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum company." He then followed the nurse to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse came back and announced that Mr. Jones' wife has just given birth to triplets. Mr. Jones stood up and said, "Well I say, I work for the 3M Company.
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."  342524186168262860 Three guys are relaxing in the Caribbean sunshine. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire. I lost everything. Now  the insurance company is picking up the cost and that's why I'm here."
The second guy says, I had a terrible explosion. I lost everything. I got a fat cheque from the insurance company and that's why I'm here." The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood. I lost everything. Now the insurance company is picking up the tab and that's why I'm here."
The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"  1143071923610518803 A student was on his way to school but was running late. So he stopped at a farmhosuea and kocked on the door "Could I cut across your field so I can catch the 7:30 bus?", he asked.
"Of course you can," the farmer said. "And if my bull sees you, you'll be able to catch the 7 o'clock bus!"  1043853504040113106 An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a while. I expect the pile to be gone when I get back."
But when he returns the sand is untouched.
He asks the Irishman why he didn't shovel.
"I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
"I no gotta broom, an' I no finda de Chinese'a guy."
The foreman is really angry and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere until the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "Supplies!!"  2253858102616342149 A couple are lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."  719875064549294108 A small boy was running down the street looking for a policeman. Eventually he found one and begged, "Please officer, come to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight!"
The officer accompanied him to the bar where he found three men involved in a violent struggle. "OK, son," said the cop, "which one is your father?"
"I don't know," the little boy replied. "That's what they're fighting about!"  3439302231886550505 Q: What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake?
A: It's not my fault.  489386529254112483 Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man in town this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started insulting me and used really bad language. Do you know, he even threatened  me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?", asked the husband very concerned.
The wife replied, "By accident really. I hit him with the car."  2424148778288792466 NASA sent three astronauts into space for two years and allowed each of them to take 100 kilos of baggage each. The first astronaut decided to take his wife, the second decided to take books to learn how to speack French, while the third astronaut decided to take cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a crowd to welcome them home.
First came the first astronaut and his wife. Each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent French. They both gave their speeches to rapturous applause.
Finally out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.
He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd and asked, "Anyone got a light?"  1003333134360701333 The following training ocurses are now available for women:
1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before
2. The undiscovered side of banking: Making deposits
3. Oil and petrol: Your car needs both
4. Cooking: How not to inflict your diets on other people
5. Parties: Going without new outfits
6. Telephone skills: How to hang up
7. Introduction to parking
8. Advanced parking: Backing into space

  1127309646791194100 A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and gave her a kiss. She jumped up and slapped him in the face.
He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look just like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!", she screamed.
"Strange," he muttered. "You even sound exactly like her  685826226502718769 A husband, the owner of a new sports car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the local supermarket, which was only a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newpaper will print your age."  1196647697858390505 Billy Bob and Cletus are talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Cletus, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to got to Hawaii I went to Hawaii and Donette got pregnant.
Then two years ago you told me to go the the Bahamas, and Donette got pregnant again. 
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Donette didn't get pregnant again."
Cletus asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob sys, "This year I'm taking Donette with me."  2745670588486311408 A man worked for many years in a quarry in Ireland and collected slabs of rock with dinosaur footprints on them.
When he retired from the quarry, he built a bungalow and he laid the footprint slabs on the path leading up to it.
One day his wife was showing a visitor round their new home.
"And these are the dinosaur footprints", she said.
"Good heavens", replied the visitor. "You'd never think they'd come so close to the house, would you?"  54726864532840500 A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and scare me half to death."  159936702366094080 Q: What do animals read in American zoos?
A: Gnus papers.  650022017407312144 Men and women have quite different views of a wedding. The husband-to-be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife-to-be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and panics. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in the correct order. In her mind she is repeating what she has to do. "All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him." She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words, which she continues to repeat.
"Aisle, altar, him. Aisle, alter, him. Aisle, alter, him."E 2103831512443210224 Q: Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?
A: She couldn't raise enough dough.  451665832539760380 A guy calls his house and a strange woman answers.
He asks, "Who's this?"
"This is the maid."
"But we don't have a maid."
"I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"She's upstairs in the bedroom with a man I presumed was her husband."
The guy is furious. "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What will I have to do?"
"I want you to get the gun from my desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down. The man hears footsteps and two gun shots.
She comes back to the phone, "What about the bodies?"
"Throw them in the pool."
Puzzled, she replies, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause. "This is 675-3590, isn't it?"  2573917992937808561 A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at a primary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions and told them, "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But chief, what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb with the hammer?"
"That," the Indian answered, "is when we use your language."  1409225520061416460 Chinese for beginners
Are you harboring a fugitive? 
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

I thought you were on a diet.
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Shing Ka.

I think you need a facelift.
Chin Tu Fat.

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

An unauthorized execution
Lin Ching

I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Ni.

Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?  225218733271118405 "And what's this supposed to be?", roared an angry customer at a local café, pointing to the squashed doughnut on his plate.
"It's what you ordered, Sir," the waitress replied meeky. "You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it."  1834677630431078006 Q: What happens when frogs park illegally?
A: They get toad.  2124174144906619488 "So Lynn, I hear your husband's in archaeology?"
"That's right, he's a paleo-archaeologist. It's really marvellous!"
"What's so good about having an arcaheologist as a husband?"
"Well, you see ... the older I get the more he loves me!"  574258004576195506 A husband arrived home one evening to find his wife distraught. "I've had a terrible day", she complained. "The baby got his first tooth; then he took his first step; then he fell over and cut his lip on his tooth."
"What happened next?", the husband asked.
"Then", she added in a shocked voice, "he said his first word!"  2861840768575841650 Picasso once visited a cabinet maker to commission a mahogany wardrobe for his chateau in the south of France. To illustrate the design he had in mind, he drew a sketch shwoing its shape and dimensions, handing it to the craftsman.
"How much will it cost?", Picasso asked.
"Nothing," the cabinet-maker replied, "Just sign the sketch."  67134698955262539 One day a frog called out to a man, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." But the man just bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog said, "If you turn me back into a princess, I will be yours for a week. The man smiled at the frog, but did nothing.
The frog cried, "If you turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the same reaction.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll be yours for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."  235244794115977342 After a mind-numbingly dull evening, a man couldn't stand another minute with his blind date. Luckily, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on his mobile, so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
He took the call then returned to the table, lowering his eyes and putting on a grim expression.
He said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"E 430374335772081888 A couple goes to an art gallery. They come across a picture of a naked woman with only her private parts covered by leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."E 2539498809974830665 Q: Where does a Martian put his teacup?
A: On his flying saucer.  2629816159799991822 A man was hit by a sofa, a pillow and a cushion.
His condition is said to be comfortable.  464489432981163320 Q: What's the difference between intelligence and ignorance?
A: I don't know and I don't care!  145310272087200660 Q: What lies shivering on the seabed?
A: A nervous wreck.  1919971606676613811 I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking ...
it scared the hell out of me, so that's it.
After today, no more reading.  1035413873253361280 Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.  839501543380070319 Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A Rottweiler.  3415562457299752644 Q: What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland?
A: Summer!  1312865650980257024 I never forget a face,
but in my mother-in-law's case I'm willing to make an exception.  892772923403119148 A man in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams hysterically, loses control of the taxi, swerves off the road and manages to stop just before driving into a lamp post.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault, " replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."  156312096946081321 Q: Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive and good-looking?
A: They already have boyfriends.  2401543886840282925 Q: What is the definition of rudeness?
A: Someone who keeps talking while you are trying to interrupt.  1335542316622963875 Patient: Doctor, I think I'm a moth!
Doctor: It sounds like you need a psychologist, not a GP, why did you come to see me?
Patient: Your light was on.  2626077570618225646 A jelly baby and a Smartie were walking through a rough part of town.
The jelly baby said to the Smartie: "I always get beaten up because I'm soft. Will you protect me?"
The Smarie replied, "Yes, I'm a hard case."
Later that night, the jelly baby got beaten up.
"I thought you said you would protect me," he said.
But the Smartie replied, "Not against the mints, they're menthol!"  854527179069796931 Q: How many copyright-holder does it take to change a light bulb?
A: NOBODY changes ANYTHING!  272920215460588330 Q: Why didn't the blonde girl have ice cubes at her party?
A: She lost the recipe.  46406688394558733 Vicar: I'm terribly sorry to hear about the death of your mother-in-law. What was the complaint?
Churchgoer: I don't know. We haven't had any yet.  343860999232958755 Teacher: "Did your father help you with this homework?"
Pupi: "No, he did it all by himself"  759266468615774104 Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.  2539017025214247936 Q: What do you call a man walking through autumn leaves?
A: Russel.  3922954872920510991 Q: Where do you find a one-legged dog?
A: Where you left it.  3302112768058800 A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them asfast as he can.
The bartender asks: "Why are you drinking so fast?" 
The guy replies: "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." 
The bartender says: "What doy ou have?" 
The guy says: "75 cents."  40258610687354904 Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.  320032370067048675 Two nuns were driving their car through Transylvania when suddenly Count Dracula appears on the bonnet, showing his teeth and snarling at them "Quick, show him your cross," screamed one of the nuns.

The second nun leaned out of the window and yelled: "Oi, you! Piss off!"  2834608912112899446 A Scotsman writing to his local paper:
Dear Sir, if you don't stop printing jokes about Scotsmen, I shall stop borrowing your paper:  356416096437864438 A brain walks into a pub and says, "pint of lager please."
"No way," says the barman.
"You're already out of your head."  306522579494245770 Q: What do you throw a drowning solicitor?
A: His partners.  179668602888765840 There's a guy at work who is so stupid, he thinks that manual labour is a Mexican.  1125571214343589809 Q: What do you call a farmer who used to like farm machinery?
A: An extractor fan.  526239796146324818 A woman asks her husband: Steve thinks I'm pretty but Richard thinks I'm ugly. What do you think?
Husband: I think you're pretty ugly.E 711553809154600406 Husband: I'd got to the end of the earth for you.
Wife: Yes, but would you stay there?  1519613193458729010 A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man in the eyes he says: "Sir, I couldn't help but notice that your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets upset and says: "Officer, I couldn't help but notice that your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"  1011477841151196384 Two men playing golf were being held up by two women playing in front of them. 
One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up."
When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress."
The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up."
He came back and said: "We both have the same problem."  2894069167887231627 I was at work the other day when I saw a man stealing a gate.
I didn't tell anyone though, just in case he took offence.  22315526972173888 It was the day of the big sale. The queue had formed around the corner of the shop from 8 am that morning.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, with people yelling at him. On the man's second attempt he was punched in the jaw and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he tried to make his way to the front of the line again he said to the person at the back: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open up!"  134242203942476595 Q: What goes Ha Ha Bonk?
A: A man laughing his head off.  174228452495346920 A wife and her husband are walking past a kissing couple.
Wife: "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "I would love to, but I don't know her well enough."  342243296463420114 Two men are golfing on a course next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. He takes off his hat and places it over his heart.
When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks: "Why did you do that?"
The man replies: "Well, we were married for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do."  425098888806546825 Prince Charles is driving on one of his estates when he runs over a rabbit. He gets out of the car and is devasted to find he's killed it. He also notices a bottle dropped by the side of the road and hating litter he picks it up. He rubs the bottle, a genie pops out and offers him one wish. Charles asks for the rabbit to be brought back to life.
"I'm sorry," says the genie, "but reincarnation is beyond my powers. Is there something else?"
Charles thinks for a minute before asking: "Could you make Camilla a bit better-looking?"
"Oh bloody hell!" says the genie. "Let's have another look at that rabbit."  917411505417942860 Q: What flowers grow between your nose and your chin?
A: Tulips.  860155098904524078 Shakespeare goes into a pub.
The landlord says: "Get out! You're bard!"  1235332081168917275 Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying awake looking up at the sky.
Holmes said: "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"I see thousands of stars," replied Watson.
The Holmes asked: "And what does that mean to you?"
"Well," said Watson, "I suppose it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent!"  1580080523898382968 A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "I'm afraid we don't serve mushrooms here."
"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"  29829454437897360 A little girl asked her mother for ten cents to give to an old lady in the park.
Her mother was touched by the child's kindness. "There you are, my dear, but, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells ice cream!"  1141894317617919690 Everyone has a photographic memory
-- it's just that some people don't have film.  719023686347629360 Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One says, "I'm getting really forgetful. This morning I was at the top of the stairs and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second one says: "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I had just woken up or was going to bed."
The third lady smiles and says: "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, touch wood."
She knocks on the table. Then, with a startled look, she asks, "Who's there?"  2537380720544855640 I was passing Pizza Hut, when this woman ran out of the door covered in tomatoes, ham, pepperoni and cheese.
Apparently she'd tried to top herself.  1926246834919820550 Q: What happens if oyu don't pay the exorcist?
A: You get repossessed.  237007817727761355 Q: Why did the blonde birl get on the roof of the pub?
A: Because somebody told her that the drinks were on the house.  2067664024766185335 A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever had an accident?"
"Nope, never."
"None? You've never had any accidents?" he asked, surprised.
"Nope, never," he replied again.
"Well, you say on this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That thing bit me on purpose."  77329890893878545 Q: How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: WHO wants to know?  731239634845940192 An elderly coupple was at another couple's house. After dinner, the wives left the table and went in to the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said: "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know - the one that is red and has thorns?"
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"  3948807571683064032 Did you hear about the two peanuts who went to the town centre late at night?

One of them was assaulted.  26987451404996700 Patient: Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is causing me a lot of pain.
Doctor: Why's that?
Patient: My wife keeps hitting me with it.  218256830298374642 Q: How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You don't know man, you weren't there, you'll never know!  599112387930311100 A woman went to the hospital for an examination, but after about four minutes she ran screaming down the hall.
A doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him
He marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Jones is 64 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The other doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"  848692834158715120 Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved.  2523952187110463058 A schoolteacher asked her class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.
There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said: "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."  1837271007033047498 Q: What do accountants use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.E 64130099069010375 A man went into a pet shop and said, "I want to buy a wasp."
"Sorry Sir, we don't sell wasps," said the shopkeeper.
"But you've got one in the window," said the man.  1177303193125209513 Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Swatting flies - I got three males and two females."
Wife: "How do you know which gender they were?"
Husband: "Easy - three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone."  410237983815428836 Mrs Smith invited some friends over for dinner.
At the table, a friend turned to Mrs Smith's five-year-old son Jack and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," Jack replied.
"Just say what Mummy would say," she answered.
Jack bowed his head and said quietly: "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"  931250252835741224 Q: What do you call a fly without wings?
A: A walk.  430198951357778644 John was driving down the road and met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily. John forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his windows.
He shouted "Pig!"
The other looked in his rear view mirror, swore at John and hit the pig.  4029621616230743728 Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they don't know the words!  595844373131354375 Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
A: Close the door please. I'm dressing.  306871445456723824 Person 1: A noise woke me up this morning.
Person 2: What was that?
Person 1: The crack of dawn!  42005627456820181 A boy called Harry hangs out at the local shop.
The shop owner doesn't know why, but the other boys tease him.
They say he's slow. To prove it, they sometimes give him the choice of a 10p and a 20p piece. Harry always takes the 10p piece because it's bigger.
One day after Harry took the 10p, the owner said, "Harry, those boys are making fun of oyu. They think you don't know the 20p is worth more than the 10p. Are you taking the 10p because it's bigger?"
Harry said, "Well, if I took the 20p, they'd stop doing  it!  2962034717207394140 Q: How does a pig go to hospital?
A: In a hambulance.  973739875368521661 Q: Why didn't the turkey cross the road?
A: Because it was chicken.  832001375467295842 A little girl is in school drawing a picture.
The teacher asks, "What are you drawing?"
The little girl looks up and explains, "It's a picture of God."
The teacher smiles and says, "That's lovely. But you see, nobody knows what God really looks like."
The little girl answers, "They will in a minute"  3891657382942092480 A bad soccer team is like an old bra 
- no cups and little support.E 1010223427275664206 Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
Patient: I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.  568842707961845525 Q: What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
A: Damn!  62414902630622593 An old man went to the doctor to get a check up.
A week later, the doctor met the old man in the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "You're looking really great," said the doctor.
The old man repied, "Well just doing what you said, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful."  848734039616424598 I'm planning on being spontaneous tomorrow.  264843000326329304 Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of trousers to the match?
A: In case he got a hole in one.  1625911869084708786 Q: What did the baby lightbulb say to the Mummy lightbulb?
A: I love you watts and watts.  54115466583605955 Q: How do you make an egg laugh?
A: Tell it a yolk.  546572349807852384 A teacher is giving a talk on self esteem and to make a point asks if anyone in the classroom thinks they are stupid could they please stand up. 
To her surprise, little Johnny stands up. The teacher frowns and says, "Johnny, you don't really think you are stupid, do you?"
"No," replies Johnny, "I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself."  800618820659805555 Taxiing down the runway, the plane suddenly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a three hour delay, it finally took off.
A worried passenger asked the stewardess, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."  1174319192916421380 This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the uncertain-lookig bartender, "I'll have a Scotch and Soda."
The the crocodile says, "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour."
The dumbfounded bartender gasps, "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!"
And the guys says, "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."  2111693521846073394 Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. 
Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically: "I'm Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him: "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"  795437428547410495 Q: What word do angels use to greet each other?
A: Halo!  1308215884822374866 Two brothers, Mike and Julian, are saying their prayers before bedtime. It's Mike's birthday the next day and he says really loudly, "God, please bring me a new bike and a train set and a remote-controlled car."
Julian turns to Mark and says, "Why are you shouting? God is not deaf!"
"No," replies Mike, "but grandma is!"  1279362885703014890 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.  415348465945738308 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.  571081385353182660 Q: How do elephants talk to each other?
A: By 'elephone.  1224236759355963207 A pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven. God came and said: "Follow me, I will show you your rooms."
They both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said the Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room. It was a big room with a big bed, a pool and lots of pretty women.
"God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?"
"Well, we have tons of popes, but lawyers, well, you're the first one."  2161620606392121255 One bird to another inside a cage: "How long you in for?"  211242417214370232 Q: How does the hairdresser cut the moon's hair?
A: E-clipse it!  703963250451023238 Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was sitting on the deck.  278982254887423335 A burglar breaks into a house late at night, when he hears someone say: "Jesus is watching you."
He stops, then, when it's quiet, starts looking around again. He hears the voice louder: "Jesus is watching you."
He follows the voice and comes across a parrot, asks him if he said that, and the parrot answers "Yes."
"What's your name?" asks the burglar.
-"Clarence."
The burglar laughs and says: "What kind of an idiot names a parrot Clarence?"
To which the bird replies: "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."  3538674030336942572 Q: What does the blonde say to the doctor when she finds out she's pregnant?
A: Is it mine?  640677434246604547 Looking for a nightgown, a woman in her late forties tried her luck in a store known for it skimpy lingerie.
To her delight she found just what she was looking for.
Waiting to pay, she noticed a young woman behind her holding the same item.
This confirmed what she suspected all along: despite being nearly fifty, she still had a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," she said proudly to the twenty-something behind her.
"Yes," she replied, "this is for my mother."  83418691009815854 A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover agent."
"So why are you in uniform?" 
"Today is my day off."  702236374131566208 Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher said, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answered, "We found a ten pound note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
So the boys gave the ten pounds to the teacher.  826559432280475075 A tramp stopped a passer-by.
"Give me a fiver," he requested.
-"A fiver? What for?"
"For lunch. I haven't eaten yet."
-"Well, I haven't eaten lunch either."
"Fine. Give me a tenner and I'll treat you."  3467102560195432380 Q: Why did the Cyclops stop teaching?
A: Because he only had one pupil!  477910965629222356 A theft was reported at Euro Disney last night.
A man has been charged with taking the Mickey.  165762060542019616 Teacher: Where was the Magna Carta signed?
Pupil: At the bottom.  937978704468905650 Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?  954753275249548362 It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.  4251329921047381659 Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Define light bulb.  2990564524345592 An old lady bought herself a rear-enginge car. She took a friend for a drive, but after only half a mile the car broke down. Both women got out and opened up the front of the car.
"Oh no!," said her friend, "you've lost your engine!"
"Never mind, dear," she replied. "I've got a spare one in the trunk."  1144099639765971130 Q: What happened to the man who stole a calendar?
A: He got twelve months.  1517156854745953696 Q: What's the difference between a drink of tea and a magician?
A: One's a cuppa; the other's a sorcerer.  108850792555622106 Two cats were looking at a bird in a cage.
"That's not a canary," said the first cat. "It's green."
"You never know," said the second. "Maybe it's not ripe yet."  1170260255541067488 When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly dicovered that ballpoint pens would no work in zero graviy. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 °C.
The Russians used a pencil.  1229101890507463791 Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change it, nine to say they could have done it better.  1168397546068429728 A little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Kelly's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Sarah Kelly."
The minister spoke to her in Sunday school and said, "Aren't you Mr. Kelly's daughter?"
She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."  1585223289288361008 A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher went off in search of his manager. The two of them couldn't move the man, who only groaned.
Finally, they called the police. The policeman surveyed the situation then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where you from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."  3242430335058339416 Q: Why did the tomato go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date.  455360027062741192 A lady dropped her handbag in the centre of town. An honest little boy noticed, so he picked it up and returned it to her.
The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a € 20 note in it. Now there are twenty € 1 coins."
The boy replied, "That's right. The last time I found a handbag, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."  14089309156073646 Teacher: If you had one pound and you asked your father for another, how many pounds would you have?
Pupil: One.
Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
Pupil: You don't know my father.  141760370426996343 Pupil: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework.  1665284757376571072 Husband: I think our son got his brains from me.
Wife: Yes that's quite possible because I've still got mine.  2407387551287585580 A number twelve walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer.
"Sorry I can't serve you," says the barman.
"Why not?" asks the number twelve.
"You're under 18," replies the barman.  311804817279450040 Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming his head off.
He asked his mum, "Where did we get him from?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"  3171705016157714704 Q: What do you call a grumpy cow?
A: Moo-dy  2141390453206042404 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses and all the kings men
said, "Scrambled eggs for dinner again!"  2952202873151754595 Q. What's the wife of a hippie called?
A: Mississippi.  233354251071385324 Jason was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was very angry. 
She told himn, "Tomorrow morning, to make up, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in six seconds and it had better be there!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the windows and sure enough there was a small gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.
She ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scales.
Jason has been missing since Friday.  1690633496143021920 A Cub Scout troop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The scout leader asked them, "Why are you so late?"
"Oh," said one boy, "we were helping an old man cross the street."
"That's nice, but it shouldn't make you half an hour late."
"Well," said another boy, "he didn't want to go."  704533103684899594 An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would increase in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all twenty of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
The gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."  1136119958867634810 A man was speeding down the road, when a police car's siren went behind him. He tried to speed a way then realized this wouldn't happen.
He pulled over and the policeman took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this wis the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.  1463986262213736870 Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Take away the chairs!  87185226075507758 Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.  1002471655209444164 O'Reilly walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and plcaing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he went to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said O'Reilly, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."  2498986594404445950 Tom had a problem getting up in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was angry with him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill, which he told him to take before he went to bed. Tom slept fantastically and woke up bright and early. He had a leisurely breakfast and droved cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"  2630961363929332356 Pupil: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: No, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Pupil: But I asked first!  195183558461357035 A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and the man said: "Just so you know, I never want ot live in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine and fluids. If that ever happens, please pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.  2626893810078186106 A man went to the police station wishing to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the police officer.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"  1054502004761917971 A postman limped into a hospital.
"A dog's bitten my leg!" he said.
"Oh dear," said the nurse.
"Did you put anything on it?"
"No," said the postman. "He liked it just the way it was."  737187403416154544 Q: If a red house is made of red bricks, and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what's a green house made of?
A: Glass.  2060423887312996137 Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.  1540211930978276000 Nick's school class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the yongsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Nick asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"  2322380589090576258 Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.  95934775417093998 Paddy is trying to get across a river and shouts to Murphey who is on the opposite bank.
"Hey Murphey, how do I get over to the other side?"
And after a quick survey of the river Murphey shouts back, "You ARE on the other side!"  298494287563992576 A man goes to the pub and has too much to drink. He tries to get up to go to the bar, and just falls over, so the landlord says: "Go home."
He only just manages to crawl home and falls asleep in his garden.
In the morning his wife comes out to him and says, "You were drinking last night?!"
He answers "How do you know?"
She says, "The pub called - you left your wheelchair there!"  1349757287306711496 An elderly couple had been dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry him. She immediately said "Yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was.
After about an hour of trying to remember he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he couldn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying yes to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."  273385887041254050 The Smith family moved into their new home and a neighbour asked 5-year-old James how he liked it.
"It's great," James said, "I have my very own room now and so does my brother Edward. But poor mummy, she still has to share one with dad..."  1643855937829733011 Tim was walking home one night when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him Tim and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a temendous fight.
However, the thief managed to get the better of him, went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find was 25 pence.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 pence.
"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred pounds I've got in my shoe!"  605280327488823815 A young boy had just passed his driving test. He asked his father, who was a priest, if he could use his car. His father said to him, "I'll make  a deal with you. You bring your grades up and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy asked him again. His father said, "Well, I'm very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, but you haven't got your hair cut!"
The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noa had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"  4102093325544752708 Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.  3577587336415573065 A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A policeman pulled up and said: "I've got to take you in, mate. You're obviously drunk."
The man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yes, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the man said, "Thank goodness, I thought  I was crippled."  812905223128547484 Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know. 
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from out neighbour.  3357188176727760606 Q: When is a piece of wood like a king?
A: When it's a ruler!  942259953317655450 Q: What did the Policeman say to the stomach?
A: You're under a vest.  2317639843937601900 Waiter: How did you find your steak, sir?
Man: Quite accidentally. I moved that piece of lettuce and there it was.  2345407445494987504 During an auction of exotic birds, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."
"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"  1103129065726405784 Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
A: Because it had nobody to go with.  157427973900357238 Q: Why was Adam's first day t h e  l o n g e s t?
A: Because he had no Eve.  1437346183648126910 Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock  657456115895693865 Q: How do you talk to a fish?
A: Drop it a line.  383886373690427832 Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
Then when you do criticise that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.  107048038950694710 The local police requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a linepup of five people.
The officer placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money."
The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to speak, he blurted out, "That isn't what I said."  249993860857164834 Broom 1: I think I'm pregnant.
Broom 2: But we haven't swept together yet!  23753711847543230 Teacher: What is the past participle of the verb to eat?
Student: What do you think it is, Sir?
Teacher: I don't think, I know!
Student: I don't think I know either, Sir.  259860090610657340 The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People, this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company's.
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.  704957471574105479 A taxi driver picks up a nun. She gets into the taxi, and he won't stop staring at her.
He says, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. After my experiences, I'm sure that there's nothing you could says or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, as long as you are single and catholic, then I will kiss you."
The taxi driver says, "Yes, I'm single and catholic!"
"OK," the nun says. "Pull over."
The nun plants a kiss on the taxi driver, who then starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" 
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewisch."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."  2120695616375787560 James shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
James replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"  226266961618984000 Q: What do baby pythons play with?
A: Rattle-snakes.  138461674041608442 Paddy and Murphy were walking down the street when Murphy fell down a hole.
Paddy yelled to Murphy: "Is it dark down there?"
Murphy replied: "I don't know, I can't see!"  1503660109082674848 Q: Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A: It comes with all of Ken's stuff.  1175891553248111530 A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please."
Then he asks, "A shot for me and one for the giraffe, please."
They keep drinking all evening. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?"
"That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."  496291890382883882 Q: Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own?
A: It was two tired.  1391529933384895824 A white horse walks into a pub and the barman says, "This pub is named after you."
To which the white horse replies, "Oh, it's called Stan?"  2082265919012482217 Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don't look, I'm changing!  1736645271705197353 John moved in with his grilfriend and her huge collection of magazines.
When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left her.
She just had too many issues.  1520556434213988654 Q: What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.  1590558199828626336 "Could all those who can do psychokinesis raise my hand?"  1451752470576480940 It's strange...
You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaaaaagghhhhh!" and everyone stares at you.
But you do the same thing in an airplane, and everyone joins in.  376748915568397288 Q: Which big cat should you never play cards with?
A: A cheetah.  3892047538431640432 Q: Where did NAPOLEON keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies.  316856560277849904 Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.  70681461893082505 Man to God: Why did you make women so beautiful?
God to man: So that you will love them.
Man to God: But why did you make them so dumb?
God to man: So that they will love you.E 827781729210507546 My friend said he knows a man with a wooden leg named Jones.
So I asked him, "What is the name of his other leg?"  391433552582205670 Q: What goes woof, woof, tick tock?
A: A watch dog!  525066416445703120 Q: Why can't a car play football?
A: Because it's only got one boot.  3393183745155842715 A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No.
B: Does he drink?
A: No.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be four months old next week.  2066856367084466141 Q: What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A: A zebra.  101957058408064926 I used to be big-headed, self-important and a know-it-all.
The I went to see a psychiatrist.

Now I'm perfect.  493540338044015424 Littel girl: Mummy, Mummy can we have a dog for Christmas?
Mother: No, we'll have turkey like everyone else!  2574645475857531169 I read in the paper the other day that the nursing homes are giving out Viagra. They're giving it to the old guys to keep 'em from rolling out of bed.E 213011400739439394 The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.  1021995449459344512 How do you know that a dog is man's best friend?
Try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and drive around for a while.
Come back home and open it up, and see wich one of them is glad to see you.  745828660097324316 A businessman in New York called his mother on Long Island. "Mom, it’s me."
-"Don’t worry about not calling. If I had a stroke, it probably wouldn’t be that bad."
"I’m sorry."
-"Don’t worry about not visiting me. If I were on the floor, I could probably drag myself over to the phone and call for help."
"Mom, I’ve been terribly busy. I’m awfully sorry. But we’re coming this weekend, the whole family. Me and Doris and the kids."
-"Doris?"
"My wife, Doris."
-"Your wife’s name is Hannah!"
"Is this 516-555-9312?"
-"9313."
"Oh, I’m terribly sorry, madam."
-"You mean you’re not coming?"  1153007384212343415 Into the bar comes a grasshopper. And the bartender says, "Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!"
And the grasshopper says, "Is that right? Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"  27714523407247946 "Hello, Doctor?"
"Yes?"
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?"
"No, this is her husband!"  1741015690452136477 A little boy and his grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere and swept the child out to sea.
The grandmother, horrified, fell to her knees and said, "God, please return my beloved grandson. Please, I beg of you. Send him back safely."
And lo, another huge wave washed in and deposited the little boy on the sand at her feet.
She picked him up, looked him over, and, looking up at the sky, said, "He had a hat!"  169588819467138951 Knock, Knock.
	Who's there?
	Señor.
	Señor who?
	Señor underwear when you bent over.  3715493161352140641 "I’m lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company."
"Okay," replied God. "I’ll give you the perfect companion. She is beautiful, intelligent, and gracious-she’ll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word."
"Sounds great," Adam said. "But what’s she going to cost?"
"An arm and a leg," answered God.
"That’s pretty steep," replied Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"  2862554331896903029 My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven today, and we don’t know where the hell she is.  635954145248640963 Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.  410479029727905462 "Miss Francis, I ain’t got no crayons."
"Young man, you mean 'I don’t have any crayons. You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons.' Do you see what I’m getting at?"
"I think so. What happened to all the crayons?"  405429492593092836 My friend is engaged in a major custody battle.
His wife doesn’t want him and his mother won’t take him back.  3313750801609523854 Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?
Customer: Yes … I, uh … well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I’m going out on a date tonight, and you know, I need some …
Pharmacist: You need some protection.
Customer: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, medium, or large?
Customer: Uhhh. Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that’ll be $2.35 including tax.
Customer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!E 1443451290042480994 A blonde took her Jaguar to the garage because it was running rough. The mechanic looked under the hood and then he said, "Just crap in the carburetor."
The blonde said, "How often do I have to do that?"  85100954716623600 I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they do come home they expect to be fed and stroked and then left alone to sleep.
Everything that women hate in men, they love in cats.  2816917960767365952 Ole came home from work one day and found Lena sitting on the edge of the bed, naked. He asked her, "Lena, why are you sitting there without any clothes on?"
And Lena said, "I don't have no clothes to wear."
Ole said, "Don't be silly-you got lots of clothes." And he went over to the closet, flung open the door, and said, "Lena, look- here's a blue dress, here's a yellow dress, here's Sven, here's a flowered dress …"  24279548348429558 You know something? If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed … Oh, wait. He does.  2087898972620075078 The best part about computers is that they make very fast, accurate mistakes.  1861170194368488696 If you could have a conversation with someone living or dead, who would it be?

I’d choose the one who’s living.  262010641993789844 An engineer walks into his boss's office and his boss is holding a tiny object up to the light. The engineer asks, "What is that you have?"
The boss says, "It looks like plastic but feels like rubber."
The engineer says, "Well, let me have a look at it." So the boss hands it over and the engineer rolls it around between his thumb and his fingers.
"Yes," says the engineer, "it's interesting. It's kind of viscous but also kind of solid. Where'd you get it?"
The boss says, "Out of my nose."  1513282018021483434 A teacher was telling her third-grade class that they needed to bring in a couple of dollars to get a copy of the class picture.
"This is going to mean so much to you in thirty years," she said. "You'll look at it and you'll say, there's my friend Julie - she's a lawyer now - and there's my friend Jim …" 
A voice from the back of the room interrupted, "And there's my teacher - she's dead."  3384414975015110234 Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage.
He didn't have to listen to her talk about men she knew before him, and she didn't have to put up with his mother.  3527885364605090634 Q: What's big and gray and doesn't matter?
A: An irrelephant.  620860112515226062 A lawyer sent a note to a client: "Dear Jim: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn't you, so I went back. One-tenth of an hour: $25."  2665518999613407065 The Iowan walks down the road wearing one shoe. He meets a man from Minnesota who says, “How did you lose your shoe?” 
- “Didn’t lose a shoe. I found one.”  216750407795769645 Ole was first dating Lena, and he took her to New Ulm. In the restaurant Ole said, “Hey, Lena, would you like a cocktail before dinner?” 
“Oh, no, Ole,” said Lena. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”
After dinner, he said, “Hey, would you like a cigarette?” 
“Oh, no, Ole,” said Lena. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Ole was driving Lena home when they passed the Romeo Motel.
He said, “Hey, Lena, how would you like to stop at that motel with me?”
“Yah, Ole, that would be nice,” said Lena.
Ole asked, “But what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”
“The same thing I always tell them. You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time!”  4204955177615757824 How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? 

How many therapists do you think it takes to change a lightbulb?  783106426014862155 “Gladys, it’s like a miracle. Every night when I get up and go to the bathroom, God turns the light on for me, and when I’m finished, he turns the light off.”
“Harry - you’re doing it in the refrigerator again!”E 1300215348570146960 Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you ever seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.  369823857033782012 The state trooper is driving down the highway when he sees a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of his truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck several times, and then drive away. Two miles down the road he does the same thing. Another two miles, same thing.
The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the truck driver to explain. And the driver says, “The load limit is ten tons, and I’m carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I’ve got to keep some of them flying around.”  2575783551354804192 I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.  774028974466470000 A cowboy walks into the bar and asks for a whiskey. Suddenly another cowboy rushes in and yells, “Joe, Joe, hurry up, your house is on fire!” The cowboy runs to the door and then stops and thinks, Hey! I ain’t got no house!
 
 The cowboy sits back down and drinks his whiskey. Suddenly another cowboy runs into the bar shouting, “Joe, Joe, hurry up, your father is dying!” The cowboy jumps up, runs out, jumps on his horse, and then remembers, Hey! I ain’t got no father!
 
 He walks back to the bar, sits down, and finishes his drink. And another cowboy bursts in and yells, “Joe, Joe, hurry up, you won the lottery and there’s a million bucks for you at the post office!” The cowboy jumps to his feet, runs out of the bar, jumps on his horse, gallops to the post office, dashes in, and then he says, “Hey! My name ain’t Joe!”  173700832791770216 Psychoanalysis is easier for a man, because when it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.  860342586516732880 A Czech man went to the eye doctor to have his vision checked. The eye chart said: CVKPMWXFCZ. The doctor said, “Can you read that?” The man said, “Can I read it? I dated her once.”  272472743476718658 The minister’s bicycle was stolen and he thought somebody in his congregation might have done it, so the next Sunday he preached on the commandment “Thou shalt not steal,” and then he noticed the commandment “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and then he remembered where he had left his bicycle.E 135521665448011920 How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 
 
 Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.  816600685986840160 Ole was the only Lutheran in his little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn’t eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. So the neighbors got together and went over and persuaded Ole to join their church. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole’s head and said, “Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now,” he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole’s head, “now you are a Catholic!”
 
 Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma coming from Ole’s yard. The neighbors went to talk to him and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: “You were born a whitetail deer, you were raised a whitetail, and now,” he said with a sprinkle of seasoning, “now you are a walleye!”  630072363656241125 Ham and eggs:
A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.  1664543377607816200 Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.  687753655616104695 I’m in a three-piece band. We only know three pieces.  1729392761357861300 A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. He says, “What’s the matter with me?”
 
The psychiatrist says, “You’re not eating properly.”  164910365955418590 A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates, but she couldn’t afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345.  816143039741389565 Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. 
One penguin says to the other, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.”
The other penguin replies, “Who says I’m not?”  1779898383131890406 A new pastor was out visiting his parishioners one Saturday afternoon. All went well until he came to one house.
 
 Although it was obvious someone was home, no one came to the door, even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he pulled out his card, wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back, and stuck it in the door.
 
 The next day, as he was counting the offerings, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”
 
 Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”
 
 Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”  3146110754312716680 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if the lightbulb wants to change.  383698201930004476 Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.  989512779275746050 “Hello? Is this the fire department?”
-“Yes.”
“Listen, my house is on fire! You’ve got to come right away! It’s terrible!”
-“Okay, how do we get to your house?”
“You don’t have those big red trucks anymore?”  497632968700370014 People point to their wrists when asking for the time, but when they ask where the bathroom is, they don't point to their pants.  1989683027202550656 Three men went to their seats at the hockey game and there were a couple of nuns sitting ahead of them. The men wanted to drink beer and swear at the referees and not be scolded by nuns, so they decided to badger the nuns and get them to move. One guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there …” The second said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics there …” The third guy said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there …”

One of the nuns turned around and said, “Why don’t you go to hell? There aren’t any Catholics there.”  4377156989765716816 Q: Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.  392767474444865310 A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he’s lost. He lowers altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon more and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot-air balloon, hovering thirty feet above this field.”
“You must work in information technology,” says the balloonist. “I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct, but it’s of no practical use to anyone.”
The man below says, “You must be a corporate manager.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You have the same problem you had before we met, but now it’s my fault.”  60343218105367228 Q: How did the Irish jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms.  2282691533618340530 Both Dolly Parton and the Queen die and go to heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the pearly gates and looks in his big book and says, “Sorry, ladies, but there is only room for one of you.” Without hesitation, Dolly lifts up her sweater and says, “These should get me in!” A bit taken aback, Saint Peter turns to the Queen, and without a word she goes to the commode at the pearly gates, lifts her skirt, pees, and pulls the handle. Still flashing her bare chest, Dolly says, “These should still get me in.” Saint Peter shakes his head sadly and says, “Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush will always beat a pair.”  99744926850131974 How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
Put them in a file labeled “Instruction Manual.”  840639561671295100 Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.  2193201019066997478 A Jewish man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. He said, “I am so obsessed with my mother … As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.”

The psychiatrist replies: “What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?”  3133195851916840655 Lena went to the local newspaper. “I want to put a notice in the paper: ‘Ole died.’”
“That’s terrible,” said the editor. “But don’t you want the full obituary, Lena?”
“No, no,” said Lena, “just a notice. Two words: ‘Ole died.’”
“Fine,” said the editor, “but there’s a five-word minimum, so you can add three more words. Is there anything else you might want to say?”
Lena said, “Okay. Make it: ‘Ole died, boat for sale.’”  2565222434482099371 This old guy goes to the doctor for a checkup.
    Doctor: You’re in great shape for a sixty-year-old.
    Guy: Who says I’m sixty years old? I turn eighty next month.
    Doctor: Gosh, eighty! Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?
    Guy: Who says my father’s dead? He’ll be 104 this year.
    Doctor: With such a good family medical history, your grandfather must have been pretty old when he died.
    Guy: Who says my grandfather’s dead? He’ll be 129 this year, and he’s getting married next week.
    Doctor: Gee whiz! Why at his age would he want to get married?
    Guy: Who says he wants to?  348344324231900689 Q: Why was the tomato red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.  936765844141608208 A man got a job with the county highway department painting lines down the center of the highway. The supervisor told him he was expected to paint two miles of highway a day, and the man started work the next day. The first day the man painted four miles. The supervisor thought, Great. The next day the man only painted two miles but the supervisor thought, Well, it’s good enough. But the third day the man only painted one mile, and the boss said, “Is there a problem?”

The man said, “Well, I’m getting farther and farther away from the bucket.”  1348581517649553787 A priest and a rabbi had been friends for many years. One evening, over a cup of coffee, the priest turned to the rabbi and said, “My friend, we’ve known each other for a long time, and there’s something I’ve always wondered. Have you ever tasted ham?”

“Well,” said the rabbi, looking a little sheepish, “I must admit, when I was a very young man and curious, I tasted some ham. Now tell me, my old friend,” the rabbi said, “there’s something I’ve always wondered. Have you ever been with a woman?”

“My friend,” answered the priest, “I must confess, when I was a young man, before I entered the priesthood, yes, I was with a woman.”

The rabbi smiled at the priest and said, “It’s better than ham, isn’t it?”  2567548233232355430 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them talk.  2767756587922709280 The waters receded and the ark settled, and Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply. He was cleaning out the ark, and he saw a couple of snakes still there. He said, “Didn’t I tell you to go forth and multiply?” They said, “We can’t multiply. We’re adders.”  134527475869013799 A man went out hunting, and he tripped over a log with his rifle cocked. He was survived by his wife, his two children, and one deer.  579010410305644234 A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s richest man, a leading CEO. The contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service: “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The CEO mulled this over for a moment, then replied, “First, did your research also show that my mom is dying after a long illness, and had medical bills that were several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.” “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair? Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three kids?” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea …” On a roll, the CEO cut him off: “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”  989533906759459724 Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 16th notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn’t believe him, so he proved it by playing one.  837926888185932076 There once was a butterfly who fell in love with a bumblebee. Said the bumblebee to the butterfly, “Will thou marry me?”

“Nay, nay,” said the butterfly. “For I am the daughter of a monarch, and you are just a son of a bee.”  1348664711724097320 How do you know you have a singer at your front door?

She can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.  31447539824158908 Why are we quiet in church?
Because people are sleeping.  1600793559797008896 “Excuse me, Kate, may I come in? I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
-“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Kate. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery …”
-“Oh, God, no!” cries Kate. “Please don’t tell me …”
“I must, Kate. Your husband Patrick is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up. “How did it happen?”
“It was terrible, Kate. He fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned.”
-“Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no, Kate … no. Not really. Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”  243034710540162000 So these four rabbis were arguing theology together, and it was three against one, so the odd rabbi cried out to heaven: “O, God! I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Send a sign to prove it to them!”
Suddenly there was a big black storm cloud in the sky above the four rabbis. The dissenting rabbi said, “A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!” But the other three said that one storm cloud meant nothing.
So the rabbi prayed for a bigger sign. This time four storm clouds and a bolt of lightning.
“SEE?” cried the rabbi, but the other rabbis said, “So? Eh? Lightning schmightning.” Just then the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep voice said, “HEEEE’S RIIIIGHT!!”
The rabbi said, “Well?”
“So?” said the other rabbis. “Now it’s three to two.”  46540112772866400 I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.  359578621523605080 Q: How do you torture an engineer?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.  662702703344868537 A wagon train got lost crossing the Plains. They’re low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a tree. They stop and ask him, “Is there food around here?” He says, “Well, I don’t know, but I tell you, I wouldn’t go that way-there’s a big bacon tree over that hill.”
-“A bacon tree?”
“Yah, so I wouldn’t go that way.”
The wagon train talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them. So they went over the hill. And over the next hill a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them from all sides and took them prisoner-except for the leader, who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and said, “There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive.”

The Norwegian said, “Vait a minute.” He picked up his Norwegian-English dictionary and looked through it, and then said, “Oh, it wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.”  330506211579048037 Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, “Hey, you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the lawyers traded sandwiches.  848764103846645250 The young minister was asked by a funeral director to conduct a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The cemetery was way back in the country, and the minister got lost. Finally, he saw the backhoe in the field and the gravediggers standing by, but no hearse was in sight. He dashed over to the grave and saw that the vault lid was already in place. He opened up his Bible and began to preach. He preached about God’s mercy and the parable of the Prodigal Son and the hope of the Resurrection, and then he bowed his head in prayer. And one of the workers said, “I ain’t never seen anything like this before … and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”  3019272512229512028 A woman goes into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'd just as soon have a baby as get a tooth pulled."
The dentist says, "Make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."  1518580626253076429 So the Zen master says to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything." So, the hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. And the hot dog vendor says, "Change must come from within."  1242652465729786972 What do you get when you cross a put bull with a collie?
A dog that rips your leg off, then goes for help.  218146068764700642 Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God met her and asked if she was hungry. Mother Teresa said, “I could eat,” so God opened a can of tuna and some rye bread and they shared it. As she ate, Mother Teresa looked down into hell and saw the people there eating huge steaks, lobsters, expensive wine, and flaming desserts. Mother Teresa said, “I’m really glad to be in heaven, God, but why do we just eat tuna and rye bread while down in hell they’re eating like kings?” God said, “Well, for just two people, why bother to cook?”  469518323285872575 Bill Gates built a new house for himself and it's great, except that sometimes when you flush the toilet it won't stop. When that happens, you need to exit the house, walk around the block, reenter the house, and usually it's better.  4457821480520527536 If you can't be kind, at least be vague.  628422978907494200 A man's wife was in labor with her first child and suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
He asked the nurse what was wrong with her. The nurse said, "She's having contractions."  218774216870361724 A man went on vacation and arranged for his mother to stay at his house and take care of his cat. And, just to be sure, he asked his next-door neighbor if he would look in on them every day and make sure they were all right. “No problem,” said the neighbor. The man flew off to Mexico and after a couple of days, he called the neighbor and asked how things were going.

“Well,” the neighbor said, “your cat died.”

“Geez,” the guy said. “You have to come right out and tell me like that? Couldn’t you have a little more consideration? I’m on vacation. Couldn’t you have broken it to me a little more gently? Like first telling me that the cat was on the roof, then that the cat fell off the roof, then maybe the next day telling me you had taken the cat to the vet-like that, not boom all at once! By the way, how’s my mom doing?”

“Well,” said the neighbor, “she went up on the roof …”  971614597279434594 A boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do.

The boy walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added: “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”  2519766568959036480 Darth Vader: Luke Skywalker, I know what you’re getting for your birthday.
Luke: How do you know?
Vader: I felt your presents.  486540516061921608 The town cop was parked outside a bar at midnight, watching for drunk drivers, when he saw a man stumble out the door, trip over the curb, try thirty cars before opening the door to his own, and fall asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drive off, and finally the guy wakes up, starts his car, and pulls out of the parking lot. The cop pulls him over and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The results show a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, and the cop is puzzled. He asks, “How can that be?”

The guy says, “Well, tonight was my turn to be the designated decoy.”  367223601883151316 When the X-ray specialist married one of his patients, everybody wondered what he saw in her.  709533046401476652 “Women like silent men.”
-“Really, why?”
“They think we’re listening.”  3044015983443233512 Three people were going to the guillotine. The first was a lawyer, who was led to the platform, blindfolded, and had his head put on the block. The executioner released the blade, but nothing happened. To avoid a messy lawsuit, the authorities allowed the lawyer to go free.

The next man to the guillotine was a priest. They put his head on the block and released the blade, but nothing happened. The blade didn’t come down. They thought it must have been divine intervention, so they let the priest go.

The third man to the guillotine was an engineer. He waived his right to a blindfold, so they led him to the guillotine and put his head on the block. As he lay there, he said, “Hey, wait. I think I see your problem.”  1071454976493601392 Some turtles went on a picnic. It took them ten days to get there, and when they arrived they realized they’d forgotten the bottle opener, so they told the littlest one to go back for it. He said, “No, as soon as I go you’ll eat the sandwiches.” But they promised they wouldn’t, and he left. They waited for him ten days, twenty days, and after thirty days they were so hungry they had to eat a sandwich. And as soon as they took a bite, the turtle came out from behind a rock and said, “See? That’s why I’m not going!”  907441844415330242 John and Jane, two American tourists, went to Germany for a vacation. As they were walking through a park, they noticed a man urinating in public. The woman, disgusted, said, “Gross!” The German man turned to her and replied, “Danke!”  537036293261966571 Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line up the customers, including the accountants, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, the first accountant jams something into the second accountant’s hand. Without looking down, the second accountant whispers, “What is this?” To which the first accountant replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you.”  844268662343031440 On my computer are the two buttons representing the things I can never have: Control and Escape.  2554843663712761076 Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?
Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.  906101159729003508 What has four legs and one arm?
A Rottweiler.  1001854799897046200 Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like y equals 3x squared plus 8x minus 9.” The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, “What on earth does Jesus mean-the Kingdom of Heaven is like y equals 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?” Peter said, “Don’t worry. It’s just another one of his parabolas.”  3318698493723909272 Sven and Ole were out deer hunting when there was a terrible accident. Sven accidentally shot Ole. Sven was horrified. He ran to his friend crying, “Ole, Ole, I’ll save you. Hang on until I can get you to the hospital.”

In the emergency room Sven said, “Doctor, Doctor, is Ole going to live?”

The doctor said, “To tell you the truth, he’d have a better chance if you hadn’t gutted him.”  903857682721314026 A surgeon, an engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest, and the doctor said, “Well, on the sixth day of Creation, God took a rib from Adam, so surgery is the oldest profession.” The engineer said, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos, so engineering is the oldest profession.” And the lawyer said, “Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?”  110630261632850586 A: “Women like silent men.”
B: “Really, why?”
A: “They think we’re listening.”  75611570879618364 The most difficult thing for a man after a divorce is learning how to express himself.  2164669055591494426 Sven and Ole go to the beach. After a couple hours, Sven says, “This ain’t no fun. How come the girls ain’t friendly to me?”

Ole says, “Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help.”

So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, “I tried what you told me with da potato, but it didn’t help.”

Ole says, “No, Sven - you’re supposed to put da potato in da front.”E 1341098564966208620 A minister dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates. Ahead of him is a guy in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy: “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the kingdom of heaven?”

The guy replies, “I am Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.” The taxi driver goes into heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-five years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”  53621041003266660 Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir?
Diner: Well, I just pushed aside a pea and there it was.  204366896435767260 Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food is terrific, but there’s no atmosphere.  1066730831345428280 An old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, and a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. The old man says, “I’m married to a beautiful twenty-two-year-old woman.”

The young man says, “What’s wrong with that?”

And the old man says, “I forgot where I live!”E 1681297855251810172 A young woman saw a funeral procession going by. There was a black hearse, followed by an older woman leading a pit bull on a leash, and after that was another hearse, and behind that was a line of two hundred women walking single file. The young woman walked up to the older woman and said, “I’m sorry to intrude on your moment of grief, but I can’t help asking, whose funeral is this?”

The woman said, “Well, my husband is in that hearse up there. The pit bull killed him when it discovered him with his girlfriend. She’s in that hearse back there.”

The young woman said, “Can I borrow that dog?”

The old woman replied, “Get in line.”E 3167278594892897573 The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stables when one of the stallions farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored. “Oh, dear,” said the Queen. “How embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that.”
“It’s quite understandable,” said the Archbishop, adding after a moment, “As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse.”  1304793551103671346 Ole: Hello? Funeral home?
Funeral home: Yes?
Ole: My wife, Lena, died.
Funeral home: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. We’ll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?
Ole: At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
Funeral home: Can you spell that for me?
Ole: How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?  3171092185868912520 A man takes his son tiger hunting. They’re creeping through the weeds and the man says, “Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions?”

And the boy says, “Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?”  1589991654705652797 A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman, “Who owns the monkey?” The barman indicates the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says, “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?” The pianist replies, “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”  168673714933838103 A guy goes to the doctor’s office and the doctor says, “I haven’t seen you for a while.”

The guy says, “I know, I’ve been sick.”  1162946995874453672 A young lawyer meets the Devil at a bar association convention and the Devil says, “Listen, if you give me your soul and the souls of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”

And the young lawyer says, “So … what’s the catch?”  308361918906377025 “So I came into town around midnight, but there was only one hotel and the clerk said every room was taken. I begged. I got down on my knees. I said, ‘You’ve got to have a room. Anything. Please.’ Finally, the clerk said, ‘Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and probably he wouldn’t mind splitting the cost, but to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people down the hall complain about it. You won’t get a minute of sleep.’”
-“So what’d you do?”
“I took the room.”
-“How’d you sleep?”
“No problem.”
-“Didn’t the other guy snore?”
“No. I got dressed for bed, went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Good night, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”  2425468149107952219 A man walked into a supermarket and bought a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a frozen dinner for one. The woman at the checkout said, “You’re single, aren’t you?”

The man said, “Yeah, how did you guess?”

She said, “Because you’re ugly.”  1609013897802518394 A pastor skips services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turns the corner along the path, he and a bear collide. The pastor stumbles backwards, slips off the trail, and begins tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally, the pastor crashes into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both of his legs. The pastor is lying there; he’s lost his gun, and the bear is coming closer. So he cries out in desperation, “Lord, I repent for all I’ve done. Please make this bear a Christian.” The bear skids to a halt at the pastor’s feet, falls to its knees, clasps its paws together, and says, “Lord, I do thank thee for this food.”  305463294951987198 “Doctor, I think I’m suffering from memory loss.”
“Have you ever had it before?”  295823189940849452 “I’m a little nervous, Doctor. This is my first operation.”
“Mine, too.”  2317842110461051348 Jesus and Satan were at their computers, writing reports and doing spreadsheets, and suddenly lightning flashed and thunder rolled, and the power went off. And when it came back on, Satan bowed his head and wept because he’d lost everything, but Jesus had no problem because Jesus saves.  580899487347201828 A cop pulls a woman over and says, “Let me see your driver’s license, lady.”

The woman replies, “I wish you people would get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.”  1484544743108623242 A mine owner advertised for new workers and three guys turned up-an Irishman, an Italian, and a Chinnse. The owner tells the Irishman, “You’ll be in charge of the mining.” He tells the Italian, “You’ll be in charge of the lift.” He tells the Chinese, “You’ll be in charge of making sure we have supplies.” The next day the three men went into the mine, and at the end of the day one man was missing: the Chinese. They searched for him for hours. Just as they were about to give up, he jumped out from behind a rock yelling, “Supplies! Supplies!”  2119453431836475384 Lena: Oh, Ole. I'm glad you got home. A burglar broke into the house last night while I was sleeping.

Ole: Did he get anything, Lena?

Lena: He sure did. But only because I thought he was you.  336357634109604688 I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder. But it\u2019s sad that I never knew my real ladder.  1014193517379449820 Three souls appeared before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked the first one, “What was your last annual salary?” The soul replied, “$200,000; I was a trial lawyer.”

Saint Peter asked the second one the same question. The soul answered, “$95,000; I was a real estate agent.” Saint Peter then asked the third soul the same question. The answer was “$8,000.” Saint Peter immediately said, “Cool! What instrument did you play?”  492987849745681675 “Are you a lawyer?”
-“Yes.”
“How much do you charge?”
-“A hundred dollars for four questions.”
“Isn’t that awfully expensive?”
-“Yes. What’s your fourth question?”  3172187363642021240 Q: Why was there only bread and wine at the Last Supper?

A: It was a potluck and only men were invited.  2307079629323642410 A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. The cops were chasing them when they stopped at a dock. On the dock were three gunnysacks. The redhead said they should get in them to hide, and they did. A cop kicked the one with the redhead in it, and she said, “Ruff, ruff, ruff!” The cop said, “It’s only a dog.” Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she said, “Meow, meow, meow!” The cop said, “It’s only a cat.” Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, “Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes!”  3046562369767030320 If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.  188814542881241256 Four people are riding in a train coach. A woman and her beautiful nineteen-year-old daughter are on one side, and facing them are an army general and his escort, an army private. The train enters a tunnel, and the cabin becomes dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The mother thinks, That young man stole a kiss from my daughter, and she rightfully slapped him.

The daughter thinks, That young man tried to kiss me and kissed my mother by mistake and got slapped.

The general thinks, That young man stole a kiss, and I got slapped by mistake.

The private thinks, I’m pretty smart. I kiss the back of my hand and get to hit the general.  463937050746775245 Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That’s not funny.  195969973631304320 “Did you know there are female hormones in beer?”
-“Female hormones in beer? Impossible.”
“There are. You drink a lot of beer and you get fat, you talk too much and don’t make sense, you cry, and you can’t drive a car.”  1467517993949249216 A carpenter fell off the scaffolding at the building site and was killed. One of the guys on the crew volunteered to go tell the carpenter’s wife. He came back two hours later with a six-pack of beer. “Got it from his wife,” he said. “When she answered the door, I asked her, ‘Are you Steve’s widow?’ She said, ‘No, no, I’m not a widow!’ I said, ‘I’ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!’”  405708020984783758 The tourist goes into a bar, and there’s a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker.

He says, “Is that dog really playing poker?” And the bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”  726211705694223042 This lieutenant was leading his troops into battle, and his sergeant said, “Sir, there’s a whole platoon of enemy soldiers coming toward us.”
And the lieutenant said, “All right, sergeant, bring my red shirt. If I should be wounded, I don’t want my men to see the blood and be demoralized.”
The sergeant said, “I forgot to say they have tanks and heavy artillery and …”
The lieutenant said, “Sergeant, bring me my brown pants!”  1115838301320213870 I’ve got two wonderful children. Two out of five isn’t bad.  3247188126096282561 Two guys are captured by cannibals. They’re stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire, and the water gets hotter and hotter. All of a sudden, one guy starts laughing, and the other guy says, “What’s so funny?”

“I just peed in their soup!”  2637020989799834904 How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.  2993977209573219285 First football player: Hey, Tiny. Gimme the answer to that third one on page two. The fill-in-the-blank. “Old MacDonald had a …” what?

Second football player: Farm, you dummy.

First football player: Oh, right. Farm. How do you spell it?

Second football player: E-I-E-I-O.  1165640703280803027 This sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn’t help but notice that the pirate was the worse for wear. He had a peg leg, and a hook, and an eye patch. So the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg, and the pirate answered, “Well, matey, I got washed overboard one night while we was in a fierce storm. An’ dern me if a shark didn’t go and bite off me leg.”

Then the sailor asked, “So how’d you get the hook?”

And the pirate answered, “Well, we was in a fierce fight while boarding a ship one time, and that’s when I got me hand cut off.”

Finally, the sailor asked, “So how’d you get the eye patch?”

And the pirate responded, “A seagull pooped in me eye.”

And the sailor said, “You mean to tell me you lost an eye just because a seagull pooped in it?”

The pirate said, “Well, it was the first day I had me hook.”  365849721176541820 A wife wakes up in the middle of the night and finds her husband sitting on the bed crying. She asks, “What’s wrong?”

He says, “Remember when your daddy caught us in your room when you were sixteen and told me I’d have to marry you or he was gonna send me to jail for thirty years?”

She says, “Yeah, but why are you thinking about that?” He says, “I’d be a free man today.”  96858876360401928 Manager:
A person who thinks that nine women ought to be able to produce a child in one month.  252253515224739704 Knock, Knock.
    Who’s there?
    Isabel.
    Isabel who?
    Isabel not working?  2267299252059852556 Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “each of you has presented me with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed. “You, Attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”  2129368997849132480 Bill Gates died and went to heaven and was given a little cottage in the woods. Next door was a mansion on a hill with a golf course and tennis courts, and there lived the captain of the Titanic.“Why does he deserve better?” Bill asked God.

“Because the Titanic only crashed once.”  233840562130373640 It’s only premarital sex if you’re intending to get married.E 366718965907178962 An Irishman walks into a bar in Cork City and asks the barman: “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?”

“Are you walking or driving?” asks the barman.

“Driving,” says the man.

“That’s the quickest way,” says the barman.  2493372656022807603 Going into church one day, a man looking for a place to sit asked a lady: “Is the seat next to you saved?” To which she replied, “No, but I’m praying for it.”  765006710188420284 Jesus was walking through the streets, and he noticed a group of people throwing stones at an adulteress. He stopped and said to the crowd, “Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.” All of a sudden, a big stone came out of the crowd and hit the woman right on the head. Jesus stopped, taken aback, then looked up and said, “Mom …!”  570046740396872963 Ole and Lena were celebrating their twenty-fifth anniversary. After the guests left, Lena looked at Ole and punched him real hard in the shoulder. “That’s for twenty-five years of bad sex.”

Ole thinks about it and then reaches over and punches Lena hard in the shoulder. “That’s for knowing the difference!”E 852262281371289340 Two kangaroos were talking to each other and one said, “I hope it doesn’t rain today. I just hate it when the children play inside.”  253086113486189400 Do you know why one side of the “V” formation of migrating geese is longer than the other?

Because there are more geese on that side.  2958905379151708499 So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” And the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” And the dog says, “Why would the circus need a typist?”  398397345799551450 Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven, he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey.” Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”  1107298972784722490 Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.  2078311668423460750 A guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor tells him he only has a day to live. He goes home to tell his wife, who asks him what he wants to do with his final hours. Of course he wants to spend them having sex. They have great sex all night long. Finally, about 2:00 a.m., the wife says she’s tired and wants to go to sleep. He says, “Oh, come on, can’t we do it just one more time?”

And she says, “Look, I’ve got to get up in the morning-you don’t!”E 840973118687809273 “Do you prefer port or sherry, sir?”
“Port, by all means. To me, port is the apotheosis of wine. A glass of vintage port is almost orchestral in its complexity, and between the bouquet and the finish, there is such a panoply of colors, of tonal textures. And sherry makes me fart.”  325259128937939592 Economist:
An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.  308614355860714204 Economists have forecast nine out of the last five recessions.  3083977572559972870 “I Want to buy a shotgun for my husband.”
-“Yes, ma’am, does he know what gauge he wants?”
“No, he doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.”  1460014190752098519 This man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts cursing him and using terrible language and insulting his wife, so finally the man picks up the parrot and throws him in the freezer to teach him a lesson.

He hears the parrot squawking and screaming in there for a while, and then all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. So the man opens the freezer door, and the parrot walks out, looks up at him, and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.”

The man says, “Well, thank you, I forgive you.”

And the parrot says, “If you don’t mind my asking, what did the chicken do?”  2214381927523653060 Q: Which animals are on legal documents?
A: Seals!  225204385376616525 Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.  4104766008650286 An unemployed man decided to take up meditation because it's better than sitting around doing nothing.  2897727962429990520 One dog asks another, "What's your name?"
The other answers, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Sit."  636545489273694260 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.  127222830308212695 Person 1: Are your parents in business?
Person 2: Yes, in the iron and steel business
Person 1: Really?
Person 2: Yes, my mother irons and my father steals  3472640858452486168 A man gets into a taxi and says: "King Arthur's Close".
The taxi driver answers: "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set lights."  2305177028064916720 An 80-year-old bricklayer recently divorced his 18-year-old wife because he couldn't keep his hands off her.
He has now sacked his hands and bought a cement mixer.E 1207292997900422400 Two men are talking in the pub. "You look familiar," says one.
"I'm an actor. You might have seen me in the movies," replies the other.
"Oh, where do you usually sit?" asks the first man.  847801841993163486 Q: What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A: A smellyphant!  207233392060685520 Fred robs banks
so that he can feel wanted.  2797280376709291850 Person 1: My wife has the worst memory I've ever come across.
Person 2: Forgetful is she?
Person 1: No, she remembers everything.  144512198514506208 Person 1: Our dog doesn't eat meat.
Person 2: Why not?
Person 1: We don't give him any.  883538786382842656 Q: Why did the potato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.  1212065036737801110 Q: What do you get if you cross a sheep witha kangaroo?
A: A woolly jumper.  2069688347541858744 Q: How do you make an apple puff?
A: Chase it round the garden.  407084607946323828 I bet I could stop gambling.  681699100306877627 Two fathers are sitting on a bench.
"What is your son going to be when he passes his final exams?"
"Old," replies the father.  947380354194640402 Person 1: This match won't light!
Person 2: That's funny, it did this morning!  671691745919164313 I just got lost in thought - it was unfamiliar territory.  2084446612185209280 Katie's husband is on his deathbed and wants to say his final goodbye to his wife. He pulls her close and says: "You know, Katie, you've been with me through everything. You were there when I lost my job, when the business failed, when we lost the house, and when I got ill. You know what?"
Katie smiles at him, takes his hand and says, "What, dear?"
Her husband replies: "I think you're bad luck."  895439942176450500 Q: What stands still and can fly by at the same time?
A: Time.  328925770540459386 A man and his nagging wife were holidaying in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The husband was told by the undertaker that he could have her shipped home for €3,000, or she could be buried in The Holy Land for €300.

The man thought about it and decided to have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why sould you spend 3,000 to ship your wife home, when she could be buried in The Holy Land for only €300?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."  2292668960875061088 Boss to new secretary: Will you file these papers for me?
Secretary: Wouldn't it be easier to trim them with scissors?  169522794268575456 Teacher: Andy, go to the map and point out america.
Andy: Here it is!
Teacher: Excellent. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Andy!  1581350915150178900 After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the raod.

"Don't worry," says a policeman, "a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you."

"Oh no," the victim groans, "coulnd't I have a blonde, cheerful one?"  23490674023786250 A company is like a tree full of monkeys.
Some monkeys are climbing up and some are on their way down.
The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree ful of smiling monkeys.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but bums.  763340702900067008 You don't need a parachute to be able to skydive - you only need a parachute to skydive twice.  3686849336280642149 If you want to avoid feeling run down, never play on the motorway.  735212240948865080 Bob is watching football when his wife sneaks up behind him and hits him with a rolling pin.
"What was that for?" says the man.
"I've just found a pice of paper with the name Judy written on it!" shouts his wife angrily. "You've been cheating on me!"
"Don't be sillly," answers Bob, "Judy is the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologises but then the following week she sneaks up on him and once again hits him with the rolling pin.
"What did you hit me for this time?" yelps Bob.
To which his wife replies, "Your horse phoned."E 394390869643860768 Sarah walks into a gun shop.
"I'm looking to buy a gun for my husband," she says.
"Well you've come to the right place," answeres the owner. "What type did your huband ask for?"
"He didn't," replied Sarah. "He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him."  156785339163225540 During the end of term exams a teacher walks  up to one of the pupils and frowns, "I hope I didn't see you there looking at John's answers."
The pupiil looks up anxiously and replies, "Well I hope you didn't see me either!"  1669799565714448155 The phone rings in the Headmasters office.
"I'm sorry," says the voice on the phone, "but little Johnny won't be coming in to school today as he is very, very sick."
"Who's speaking?" asks the headmaster.
"It's my father," says the voice.  415392739811785530 Three teenagers die in a car crash and find themselves before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. "Before you can come in," says St. Peter, "you must answer a question. When your friends and family are standing before your coffing at the funeral, what would you like them to say?" The first says, "I would like them to say I was a good man and always helped people." The second says, "I would like them to say I was good fun to hang out with and always made people laugh." St. Peter then turns to the last teenager and says, "and what about you?" The teenager smiles and says, "I'd like them to say, hey, look, he's moving!"  1799496036415804428 A drunk driver is on the motorway trying to stay in a straight line when all of a sudden his mobiel phone rings. "Hellllooo," slurs the driver. "Be careful driving, dear," exclaims the wife nervously, "there was a report on the news of someone driving down he motorway the wrong way!" "Yeah, I know," answers the drunk, hiccoughing loudly, "but there's not just one of them, there's hundreds."  615944360415729108 Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was attached to the first monkey.
Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Peer pressure.  1816685475729485872 Doctor, Doctor, I've lost my memory!
- When did this happen?
When did what happen?  257355096152006213 Why are dogs such bad dancers?

Because they have two left feet.  973799603956176564 Q: How do we know that the earth won't come to an end?
A: Because it's round!  112039740555375366 Two elderly ladies are discussing the upcoming dance at the local club.
"We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing grey," says the first lady.
"Oh my," says the second, "I don't hink I'll go then."E 892486041430765464 A pair of glasses walks into a pub and orders a pint.
The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're off your head."  271133181028645428 A system administrator has two problems:
1. stupid users
2. smart users  537865822324973688 A blonde is flying economy to London when halfway through the flight she gets up and sits in an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant tells her to move back to her seat, but she refuses. She says "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm staying in first class."
When the atttendant tells the pilot, he says "My wife's blonde, I can deal with this."
He goes up to her and whispers in her ear, the blonde apologises and moves back to her seat.
"How did you do that?" asks the attendant.
"Easy," replies the pilot, "I told her first class wasn't flying to London."  1319392045016254188 Mimi was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve. After she woke up, she told her boyfriend, "I just dreamt that you gave me a diamond engagement ring for a New Years's present. What do you think it all means?"
"You'll know tonight," answered her boyfriend, smiling.
At midnight, as the New Year was ringing in, the boyfriend handed Mimi a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. It was a book entitled "The Meanign of Dreams".  262931582178705256 Son: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad: Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Mark is my son as well. That's confidential.E 3653506413825006648 A priest sees a young boy trying to ring a door bell but just can't reach it.
The kind priest walks over and presses it for him.
The young boy looks at him and says, "Now we run away!"  529130095125444423 After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60 percent of what they discussed.
When asked what they dicussed, Clinton replied: "The Ten Commandments."  328588606847571747 An elderly lady comes across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter?" the lady asks.
"It's my birthday," he cries. "I had a bicycle and a new pair of trainers and this afternoon there's a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco."
"But that's lovely," says the old lady. "Why are you crying"
"Because I'm lost!"  2185426008286863120 Q: Why did the picture go to jail
A: Because it was framed.  589460236200846282 A man gets home early from work and hears noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to call an ambulance when his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle John is hiding in the bathroom and he's got no clothes on!"
The man storms in to the bathroom where, sure enough, he finds his brother, totally naked.
"How could you?" the man says. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"E 3632884623989849866 Q: What should you do if your child falls into a well?
A: Get a book on how to bring up children.  99634640121796577 A teacher was taking her class for a walk in the woods.
"Now, Mary," she said, "what do we call the outside of a tree?"
"Don't know," said Mary.
"Bark!" said the teacher. "Bark!"
"Woof!" said Mary  1443717842733689424 A man finds an old violin and an oil painting in his attic and takes them to be valued.
"You know what you've got here," says the antiques dealer. "A Stradivarius and a Rembrandt."
"Wow!" says the man. "So they must be worth a fortune"
"Unfortunately not," replies the dealer. "Rembrandt made the violin and Stradivarius painted the picture."  1083278584294015648 A family of mice was surprised by a big cat, so up jumped Father Mouse and shouted, "WOOF!"
The cat ran away.
"What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse.
"Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
  225803615890171924 A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender figures that a kangaroo probably isn't very economically aware, and charges him €30. He orders a beer next time, and is charged €40.
Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him. He casually remarks, "You know, we don't get too many kangaroos in here."
The kangaroo replies, "At these prices, I'm not surprised!"  91613083197222810 A woman walks up to a little old man in a rocking chair and says: "You look so happy, what's your secret for a happy, long life?"
"Easy," replies the old man, "I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink five pints of beer a night and only eat takeaways."
"Wow," replies the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-three," replies the man.  900252888617999952 A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.
He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So the monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be coontinued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from he back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."E 1246079663641712865 A little girl is attacked by a fierce dog in Washington and saved by a man, who fends off the dog by hitting it on the head with a stick. The mother rushes over to him and can't thank him enough for saving her little girl.
"Tomorrow the papers will have the headline: AMERICAN MAN SAVES LITTLE GIRL."
"But I'm not American, I'm Iranian" says the man.
The next day the newspaper headlines read: ISLAMIC EXTREMIST KILLS AMERICAN DOG.  2642317346431537586 :::German F: Was hat 4 Beine und kann doch nicht gehen?
A: Ein Tisch.  809345452 Franz: Daisy ist ein kluges Mädchen ... Sie hat Verstand für zwei.
Max: Dann ist sie genau die Richtige für dich.  13596111 F: Was wächst im freien und hat Tausend Beine?
A: Das Gras. (Das mit den Beinen stimmt nicht ganz)  1326860146 Tante Mary, das größte Schandmaul der Familie, ist gestorben.
 Der Rabbi hält Leichenerde.
 Er lobt die Friedfertigkeit der Entschlafenen, ihre Bescheidenheit und Zurückhaltung.
 Onkel Michael hält es einfach nicht mehr aus.
"Komm schon", sagte er zu seinem Neffen Moritz, "wir sind auf der falschen Beerdigung."  1903662466 Ein Typ geht in eine Bar, bestellt sich ein Bier und sagt zum Barkeeper: "He, ich kenne einen guten irischen Witz ..."
 Der Barkeeper starrt ihn an und sagt mit einem warnenden Unterton: "Bevor Sie diesen Witz erzählen, sollten Sie wissen, dass ich Ire bin, die beiden Rausschmeißer Iren sind und ebenso auch die Mehrzahl meiner Gäste." 
"Okay", sagt der Kerl darauf, "ich werde ihn sehr langsam erzählen."  1395879462 Neulich beim Kirchgang tatsächlich so gehört: "Oh Herr Pfarrer, mei Sohn wird amol nix reachts! I glaub', i lassn Theologie studiera!"   865459215 Ein Franzose ein Amerikaner und ein Schwabe streiten sich darüber wer den besten Gummi herstellt.
 Franzose: "Bei uns ist ein Mann vom Eifelturm gefallen. Auf halber Strecke klemmte er seinen Hosenträger am Turm fest und hing daran wie ein Bungee-Springer. Das ist Qualität!"
 Amerikaner: "Ach was, lächerlich. Bei uns ist einer vom Emipre State Building gestürzt. Unterwegs holte er seinen Kaugummi aus dem Mund, klebte ihn an der Wandfest und ließ sich langsam daran herab. That`s Quality!"
 Der Schwabe lächelte nur und sagte: "Bei uns ist ein Arbeiter, der auf der Spitze des Ulmer Münster arbeiten musste, abgestürzt. Als er unten aufschlug hat es ihn in tausend Fetzen zerrissen......!" 
 Die beiden anderen schauten ihn an: "Ja, und??"-
"Nun, der Arbeiter hatte Gummistiefel an und die hatten keinen Kratzer abbekommen! Dees isch Gwalidääd!"  588619574 Der Lehrer fragt, ob denn einer der Schüler jemand kenne, der Angst habe.
Da meldet sich die kleine Nadja eifrig. "Mei Baba, Herr Lehrer! - der hot nachts Angscht alloi zom sai".
"Aha", fragt der Lehrer zurück, "ond wann hoschd du des gmerkt?"
"Ha, weiler emmer bei dr Nochbere schloft, wenn mai Mama amol ned drhoim ischd!".  2024496325 Rezept für schwäbische Tomatensuppe: roter Teller und heißes Wasser  1475470788 Zwei Schwaben gingen in den Fluss, weil jede Sau mal baden muss, der eine ist versoffen, vom andern woll'n wirs hoffen.  796068172 Sprüche von Badenern (den natürlichen Feinden der Schwaben), wenn sich ein Schwabe zu de Bandensern (Gelbfüßlern) traut:
 1. Wir haben ja alle nichts gegen Schwaben. Wir würden ihnen sogar die Füße küssen - Sie müssen nur hoch genug hängen.
 2. Schwaben sind ja recht nette Leute. Ich finde, jeder Badner sollte sich einen halten dürfen.  1385638901 F: Wie entstanden die Schwaben? 
A: Der liebe Gott saß auf dem Feldberg, schaute auf den Rhein und schnitzte die Badner. Jedes Exemplar, das nichts wurde, warf er hinter sich.  1354704536 Über Baden lacht die Sonne, über Schwaben die ganze Welt.  569277186 In der Zeit, in der Tübingen noch französische Garnisonsstadt war, fiel ein französicher Soldat in den Neckar.
Da er nicht schwimmen konnte schrie er laut um Hilfe, natürlich in französich, also benutzte er das Wort "Au secours!! - Au secours!!"
Als er unter der Neckarbrücke durchgetrieben wird, sehen und hören ihn zwei Tübinger Ureinwohner - auch Goaga genannt - die auf der Brückenmauer lehnen.
Sagt der eine Goag zum anderen: "Solla mr dem do helfa?"
Anwortet der andere: "Noi! Het der renger schwimma g'lernt als franzesisch."  211466904 Ein Schwabe bekommt zum dritten mal eine Mahnung von seiner Versicherung für eine schon längst fällige Rechnung, das wurde ihm jetzt zu dumm.
Also setzte er sich hin und schrieb der Versicherung: "Was erlaubet ihr ui eigentlich mir emmerwieder Mahnonga schicka, bei mir kommet älle Rechnunga enna Schachtl nei ond am Johresend wered drei zoiga ond zahlt, ond wenn ihr ui noamol dui Frechhoit erlaubet ond nomol a Mahnong schicket noch send ihr bei dr diesjaeriga Ziehong it drbei."  967378958 F: Warum bewohnen die Schwaben eigentlich Süddeutschland?
A: Weil sie vor geraumer Zeit aus Schottland ausgebürgert wurden  526770156 Das Nonnenkloster in Kellenried wird neu verputzt. Auf dem hohen Baugerüst arbeiten die Gipser und Maler fleissig.
 Die Äbtissin sieht es mit Wohlgefallen und bittet eine Novizin, den Handwerkern ein gutes Vesper zu bringen.
 Vorher solle sie aber die Handwerker auf ihren Glauben prüfen.
 Wenig später steht die junge Nonne unten am Gerüst und ruft zum nächsten Gipser, der auf dem Gerüst steht "Griss Gott. Kennat Sie dor Pontius Pilatus?"
 Von oben herunter "Noi, abor i frog mein Kolleg, der weidor oba schafft".
 Also "He, Berte, kennschd Du en Pontius Pilatus?"
 Von oben: "Noi, worom?"
 Der auf dem ersten Gerüst zurück "Ha do onda schtoht sei Alde ond will ems Mittagessa brenga".  1582090525 Jetzt haben Wissenschaftler festgestellt: "Adam war ein Schwabe!":
 Adam sitzt im Paradies.
 Ihm ist langweilig, und so sagt er eines Tages zum lieben Gott: "Kannst Du mir nicht jemanden machen, der nett, schön und intelligent, und zum Liebhaben ist?" 
Antwort: "Ja, klar dafür brauchte ich allerdings deinen rechten Arm und dein linkes Bein!"
 Nach kurzen Überlegen fragt Adam: "Was kriege ich denn für eine Rippe?"  1611015906 In einem Zugabteil sitzen ein Schwabe, ein Badenser, ein junges Mädchen und ihre Mutter.
 Der Zug fährt in einen Tunnel, es wird dunkel und man hört zwei Geräusche: ein lautes Schmatzen und ein noch lauteres Klatschen.
 Es wird wieder hell und der Badenser hat eine stark gerötete Wange.
 Die Mutter denkt: "Da wollte sich dieser Kerl doch im Dunkeln an meine Tochter ranmachen, aber die hat sich das nicht gefallen lassen!"
 Die Tochter denkt: "Wahrscheinlich wollte er mich küssen und hat Mutti erwischt. Falsche Adresse kann man da nur sagen..." 
 Der Badenser denkt: "Dieser verdammte Schwabe! ER küßt das Mädchen und ICH kassiere die Ohrfeige!!!"  2017071197 Der Bimserbauer liegt im Sterben.
 Plötzlich erwacht er vom köstlichen Duft eines Sauerbratens aus seinem Todesschlaf. 
"Aaach Fraule", stöhnt er, "bitte sei so guad ond gibb mir ebbes von dem Broada, eh das I sterb!" 
"Nix do!", sagt die Bimserbäuerin, "dr Broada isch für d'Beerdigong!"  1850087668 Ein Holzfäller wird vom Baum erschlagen. Sein Kollege soll der Witwe die traurige Nachricht schonend überbringen.
Er klingelt: "Grüß Gott, wohnt hier die Witwe Scheiffele?"
-"Scheiffele schdimmd, Witwe schdimmd nedda!"
"WETTEN???"

(Nachtrag: Als die Frau des Kollegen von der Lebensversicherung der Witwe Scheiffele erfuhr, sagte sie: "Ond moinar, där Grasdaggl, der muaß nadierlich wiedr an d’Seida na hipfa.)  781625419 Ein Motorradfahrer fährt auf einen laufenden Mähdrescher.
 Ein schwäbischer Polizist soll den Unfall aufnehmen.
"Jo Heilixblechle, wie mach I denn so ebbes? Na I schreib erschtemool auf, wos da so ummenand liegt: 
-Ein halber rechter Arm...auf der Straße.
-Eine Milz...auf der Straße. 
-Drei Meter Dünndarm...auf der Straße. 
-Kopf auf dem Trottwar...nein, das ist falsch geschrieben. Kopf auf dem Trodwar...schon wieder falsch!"
 Er gibt dem Kopf einen wütenden Tritt: "Heilandssacknochamool!!! Kopf auf der Straße!!!!"  1495504958 Ein Schwabe beehrt das Dreifarbenhaus (=Stuttgarts Bordell) mit seinem Besuch.
"Was solls denn koschda?" fragt er seine Auserwählte. 
-"Hundert Mark!"
"Uijuijui, des isch abbr deier! Krieg i vielleicht ebbes Rabatt, wenn I lengr bleib? 150 Mark für zwoimol, oddr 200 Mark für dreimol?"
"Paß auf, ich mache dir einen Vorschlag", sagt die Frau, die ein Geschäft wittert, "für 500 Mark kannst du bleiben, solange du willst!"
-"Isch mir fei recht," sagt der Schwabe, zahlt und stürzt sich wie ein Wilder auf die Frau.
 In seiner Gier zerreißt er ihr die Bluse. 
"Die zahlst du aber extra!"
"Mädele, warum?", lächelt der Schwabe, "wenn I hier nauslauf, hodd sich die Mode doch lengschd g'endert!"E 1738407465 F: Wie nennt man im Schwabenland ein hübsches Mädchen?
A: Touristin.  1616988286 Ein Schwabe, ein Schotte und ein Österreicher wetten um eine Mark, wer am längsten tauchen kann. 
=> Alle ertrunken!  77408510 Ein Schwabe kommt ins Pfandhaus und möchte einen Kredit über 100 DM aufnehmen.
 Als Pfand bietet er seinen Mercedes.
 Dem Pfandleiher kommt die Sache zwar etwas seltsam vor, er sagt dem Schwaben aber, er solle sein Auto in die Lagerhalle fahren.
 Einen Monat später möchte der Schwabe sein Pfand auslösen. 
"Das macht 100 DM und 5 DM Zinsen," sagt der Pfandleiher, "verraten Sie mir jetzt den Sinn der ganzen Aktion?"
Sagt der Schwabe: "Ich war in Urlaub, und wo kann ich sonst für 5 DM einen Monat lang parken?"   1814579741 Ein Schwabe, ein Badenser (Gelbfüßler) und ein Nigerianer stehen völlig aufgeregt auf der Entbindungsstation und erwarten sehnsüchtig die Nachricht der Krankenschwester.
 Endlich ist es soweit: "Herzlichen Glückwunsch, meine Herren. Sie sind jeweils Vater eines prächtigen Sohnes geworden. Wir haben nur ein kleines Problem - die Babys wurden vertauscht. Aber kommen Sie doch einfach rein und identifizieren Sie Ihr Baby."
 Der Schwabe rennt vor, schnappt sich das schwarze Baby und hält es fest.
 Der Nigerianer wird unruhig und die Schwester fragt vorsichtig: "Entschuldigung, wie kommen Sie drauf, daß genau dieses Ihr Baby ist?"
 Darauf der Schwabe: "Solang idd feschdschdohd, welches des Gälbfiaßler-Kend isch, behaltd ich dees do!"   178587976 Ein Schwabe kommt mit einer Ampulle zum Arzt, um sie untersuchen zu lassen.
Eine Woche später erfährt er das Ergebnis: 
"Alles in Ordnung", sagt der Arzt, "Siee sind vollkommen gesund."
Fröhlich geht der Schwabe heim und ruft seiner Frau zu: "Waltraud, weder du, noch i, weder d'Kender, no s'Bäsle hend irgendoi Grankheit!"   1896742387 Überschrift in der Schwäbischen Zeitung:
Schwäbisches Taxi stürzte in einen Fluß: 42 Tote...   715038009 Fußballspiel in einem schwäbischen Dorf.
Zur Seitenwahl wirft der Schiedsrichter eine Münze in die Luft.
Es gab 2000 Verletzte.   1236274361 Die schwäbische Nationalmannschaft hat ein Spiel gewonnen.
Der Trainer kommt in die Kabine und sagt: "Kerle, ihr warad großartig. Ihr hend eich jetzt a Erfrischung redlich verdient. Los, Made, machs Fenschder auf!"   2094782358 F: Was macht ein Schwabe mit einer Adventskerze vor dem Spiegel?
A: Er feiert den 2. Advent...   362867870 Kommt ein Schwabe aufs Standesamt und will seinem Namen umändern lassen.
Der Beamte fragt ihn: "Warum?"
Darauf der Schwabe:: "Ich hon do geschdern an Karddong Visidakarda auf dr Schroß gfonda..."   1621525676 Kommt ein Schwabe in die Redaktion einer Zeitung und sagt: "Wenn Sie weidrhin in ihrer Zeidung Schwabawitzla druckad, dann isch esdie lengschde Zeit gwäa, daß ich mir ihr Zeidung ausleih!"   1417992852 Endet der Brief des Vaters: "Wollte Dir noch etwas Geld mitschicken, der Brief war aber schon zugeklebt."   889995350 Ein Schwabe ist gerade dabei, in seinem Wohnzimmer die Tapeten abzulösen.
Ein zu Besuch kommender Freund: "Nanu, willsch nei dabeziera?" 
-"Noi, umzieha..."   1532401005 F: Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Schwaben und Terroristen?
A: Terroristen haben Symphatisanten...  1404089911 Ein Schwabe kommt in eine Bar, sieht sich um, ist allein mit dem Barkeeper und sagt: "Ha, jetztedle schmeiß I a Lokalrunde!"  1040553274 Durch Zufall trifft sich auf dem Münchner Oktoberfest eine Gruppe von Menschen aus allen Regionen Deutschlands, die über mehrere Tage zusammen in bester Laune feiern.
 Das Treffen soll im nächsten Jahr wiederholt werden.
 Der Bayer verspricht zu diesem Treffen ein Faß des besten Weißbiers zu spendieren,
 der Westfale will den besten westfälischen Schinken mitbringen,
 der Rheinländer erlesenen Rhein-Wein,
 der Norddeutsche Lübecker Marzipan,
 auch alle anderen versprechen eine Spezialität aus ihrer jeweiligen Region beizusteuern.
Nur der Schwabe lächelt und bleibt stumm.
Auf die Frage der anderen, was er zu dem Treffen mitbringt antwortet er trocken: "Mai ganze Familie".  1635108423 F: Was ist eine schwäbisches Schorle?
A: Ein halbes Glas Sprudel (Mineralwasser) und ein halbes Glas Leitungswasser!  1985657195 Ein Schwabe breitet im Winter Mist aus auf dem gefrorenen Bodensee.
Kommt ein Schweizer und sagt: "Ja du Depp, im Frühjahr taut's und dein Mist versinkt im 'See!"
Darauf der Schwabe:"Halts Maul, nochher kommt en Öschderreicher, der will den Acker kaufa."  383683856 F: Was ist ein Perpetuum mobile?
A: Das ist ein Schotte, der einem Schwaben hinterherrennt, der ihm 10 Cents schuldet.  1837972833 Ein Schwabe kommt mit einer Zeitung in ein Karlsruher Reisebüro: "Entschuldigad Sie, hier stohd, da I bei Ihne a Luxusreise fier 98 Mark griaga kaa. Gild des Angebod no?"
 Der Verkäufer stimmt zu und kassiert den Schwaben ab.
 Da kommen zwei Männer aus dem Hinterzimmer, packen den Schwaben und zerren ihn nach draußen, wo sie ihn in ein Faß stecken, welches sie in den Rhein werfen.
 Kurz darauf kommt ein Bayer in das Reisebüro. Auch er erkundigt sich nach der Reise, bezahlt und wird mitsamt dem Faß in den Rhein geworfen. Nach einer Weile stoßen die beiden Fässer zusammen.
 Meint der Bayer: "Entschuldigen sie, können sie mir sagen, ob auf dieser Kreuzfahrt ein Abendessen serviert wird?"
Antwortet der Schwabe: "Ich glaube idd, letschdas Johr hods jedenfalls koins gäba."   765381756 Ein Schwabe kommt zur Autowaschanlage.
 Der Besitzer sagt ihm, er solle sich exakt an die Anweisungen auf den Schildern halten, dann könne nichts schiefgehen.
 Kurz darauf kommt ihm der Schwabe triefnaß entgegen.
 Er fragt den Schwaben: "Was ist denn mit Ihnen passiert?" 
 Der Schwabe antwortet: "Ha, do war a Schild "Gang raus!" Hano, do ben i halt raus ganga."  701710843 Treffen sich zwei Mücken am Flughafen, da sie endlich mal ein bißchen Urlaub machen wollen.
 Kommen auch beide weg, und dann treffen sie sich nach zwei Wochen wieder.
 Die eine Mücke ist braun und fett, die andere bleich und total abgemagert.
 Sagt die fette Mücke: "Sag mal wo warst denn Du? Ich selber war auf Ibiza, und habe mich zwei Wochen lang so richtig satt gesoffen, und Sonne getankt".
 Sagt die andere: "Wollte ich ja auch, habe mich - um wegzukommen - bei einem Schwaben im Geldbeutel versteckt, der hat dann den Geldbeutelzugemacht, und erst heute bei der Ankunft wieder geöffnet!!!!"  1185750934 Ein älteres schwäbische Ehepaar steht zu später Abendstund auf dem Balkon.
Da sehen Sie unten im Gebüsch den Nachbarsjungen ein junges Mädchen anmachen.
Da sagt die Frau: "Dr Eugen, so a näddr Kerle. Wenn der bloß koi Dommheit macht. Karle, pfeif 'm doch omal."
Sagt der Gatte Karle: "Des fällt mir itt im Draum ei; bei mir hot au koinr pfiffa!"  536474220 Ein Allgäuer Bub fährt mit seiner Mutter nach Ulm in die große Stadt.
Er kommt aus dem Staunen gar nicht mehr heraus: "Muddr, luag ao dia Leid a. Die hend ja gar koine Krepf am Hals!"
Darauf die Mutter: "Bua, dank ao onserem Herrgott, daß Du älle Gliadr hosch!"   1636276182 Steht ein Schwabe auf einer Donaubrücke und sieht einen Mann am Ufer knien und das Wasser aus der Donau trinken.
Er ruft sofort warnend: "Heh! Bisch verruggd? Des Wassr kasch doch it saufa. Desch doch gifdig ond dreggad!"
Der Mann am Ufer schreit zurück: "Nuh, was haste jesacht?"
Da ruft der Schwabe: "Langsam trinken! Das Wasser ischd kalt!"  1780706987 Goht a Frau zom Bäckr und sait: "I hedd gern drei Weckla".
Sait dr Bäckr: "Nemmet 'se bloß zwoi, no hend 'se no 's Geld für a dritts".  365614235 F: Warum bauen die Schwaben die Schulen auf den Berg?
A: Damit sie auch mal auf die höhere Schule können.   1938826823 Der Dichterwettstreit
Ein Gog und ein Berliner wanken steten Schrittes unter dem absingen von Volksliedern nach Hause.
 Auf der Neckarbrücke (ähem...Neggorbrick) bleiben sie stehen und folgender Dialog trug sich zu:
 Der Berliner: "Mensch, Karl-Wilhelm, Ihr Schwaben habt et juut, ein Völkchen von lauta Dichta und Denka, ick gloob, du hast auch so wat abbekommen und bist n`Dichta, wa?"
 Dr Gog: "Ha jooh, des koo scho sei..."
 Der Berliner unterbricht ihn und schlägt nun seinerseits einen improvisierten Dichterwettstreit vor, wobei er sofort dichtet: "Ick steh` uff dieser Neckarbrück`, und spuck den Fischen ins Jenick. Naaaa, det mussde erst ma bessa machen"
 Daraufhin der Gog: "Jooo, sell war scho guad, abr I kaa des viel besser, bass auf: I schdand uff derra Neggorbrick... ond schdegg den Fenger en dr Arsch"
 Der Berliner ist sichtlich überrascht und meint nun: "Waa, nuuu, aba detreimt sich doch jarnich..."
Worauf der Schwabe listig antwortet: "..abr dichta duads..."   1022096244 Ein Schwabe macht Urlaub in Afrika und kommt an einem seltsamen Strand vorbei.
 Ein Kanibale preist menschliches Hirn an.
 Der Schwabe will wissen, wozu das gut sein soll und der Kanibale erklärt: "Wenn man menschliches Hirn ißt, wird das eigene Hirn leistungsfähiger!"
 Der Schwabe interessiert sich dafür und liest das Verkaufsschild an der Kühltheke: 'Bayernhirn 100 Dollar je Pfund, Badenerhirn 300 Dollar je Pfund, Schwabenhirn 400 Dollar je Pfund'.
 Der Schwabe wird ganz stolz, daß ausgerechnet schwäbisches Hirn den höchsten Preis erzielt und will wissen, warum das so ist.
 Also erklärt der Kanibale: "Schwäbisches Hirn ist deshalb so teuer, weil wir viel mehr Schwaben erlegen müssen, um ein Pfund zusammenzukriegen."  324210217 F: Woran erkennt man ein Schiff der schwäbischen Handelsmarine?
A: Keine Möwen.  1332834252 F: Warum stehen Schwaben abends mit dem Bauch am Kachelofen?
A: Um das Mittagessen aufzuwärmen.   202625116 F: Woher hat das Handy seinen Namen?
A: Als ein Schwabe auf einer Messe das schnurlose Telefon erblickte, fragt er: Hän di koi Kabel?   517657492 Sitzen ein Berliner, ein Bayer und ein Schwabe im Biergarten.
Dem Berliner fällt eine Fliege ins Bier: Er ordert sofort ein Neues.
Dem Bayern fällt eine Fliege ins Bier: Er holt sie raus und trinkt weiter.
Schließlich fällt dem Schwaben eine Fliege ins Bier: Sofort holt er sie raus und ruft: "Ausschbugga, ausschbugga."   1461324141 Der Liebe Gott dachte sich nach einer gewissen Zeit, nachdem er die Erde erschaffen hatte: "Ich schaue mir mein Werk und was daraus geworden ist mal an."
 So verwandelte er sich in einen Menschen und begab sich auf die Erde.
 Nach einiger Zeit, als er so auf Erden wandelte, traf er am Wegesrand auf einem Stein hockend einen Mann, der steinerweichend weinte.
 Der Liebe Gott fragte ihn, er trat immer noch als Mensch auf, warum er denn weine, doch der Mann gab ihm keine Antwort sondern weinte weiter.
 Nach einer weiteren Frage, warum er denn so herzzereißend schluchze, schaute der Mann kurz auf und entgegnete ihm, ihm könne keiner helfen.
 Der liebe Gott ließ aber nicht locker und bohrte nach. Es kann doch nicht so schlimm sein. Für sein Problem gäbe es doch sicher eine Lösung.
 Darauf hin der Mann: Es kann mir keiner helfen, nicht einmal der Liebe Gott! 
 Darauf hin gab sich der Liebe Gott zu erkennen in all seiner Pracht und bat den Mann, ihm nun endlich zu sagen was ihn denn zum weinen bringe.
 Darauf antwortete der Mann, der sich die Tränen kurz abwischte und in ein Taschentuch schneuzte: Lieber Gott, auch Du kannst mir nicht helfen, denn ich bin ein "Schwabe" !
 Da setzte sich der Liebe Gott zu dem Mann auf den Stein und fing ebenfalls an zu weinen!   422672293 F: Was hat 500 Beine und kann doch nicht gehen?
A: Ein halber Tausendfüßler  1857355507 Eine Schnecke wird von einer Bande Schildkröten überfallen.
Als sie zur Polizeistation geht, wird sie gefragt, was passiert ist.
Sie antwortet: "Ich weiß nicht, es ist alles so schnell gegangen!"  1826253956 Zwei irische Arbeiter heben gegenüber einem Bordell einen Graben aus, als einer der beiden einen Rabbi bemerkt, der in das Gebäude hineingeht.
Der erste Arbeiter sagt zu dem anderen: "Es ist wahrhaftig ein trauriger Tag, wenn ein Geistlicher einen solchen Ort aufsucht".
Nach einer kurzen Weile sieht der andere einen evangelischen Pfarrer ins Bordell gehen. Er steht auf und sagt zu seinem Kollegen: "Hey, hast du das gesehen? Kein Wunder, dass die Kinder heutzutage so durcheinander sind, wenn der Klerus ihnen mit so schlechtem Beispiel vorangeht."
Nach etwa einer weiteren Stunde sieht der erste Arbeiter einen katholischen Priester hineingehen. Er richtet sich augenblicklich auf und ruft seinem Kollegen zu: "Mann, das is ja wirklich traurig. Eines der armen Mädels muss im Sterben liegen.  1728783368 Der junge Ehemann lobt seine Angetraute: "Du machst Fortschritte, Schatz! Zum ersten Mal ist das Schnitzel nicht angebrannt." 
- "Ja, ich habe es auch mit Sonnenschutzöl eingerieben!"  568330327 Im Büro des Börsenmaklers ist ein schwerer Fehler passiert. 
Daraufhin meint der Chef vorwurfsvoll zu einem der Devisenhändler: "Sind nun Sie verrückt, oder bin ich es?" 
-"Aber Chef, ein Mann wie Sie wird doch keine verrückten Mitarbeiter beschäftigen..."  489914076 Ein Arzt rät seinem Patienten, auf Alkohol, Rauchen und den Umgang mit Frauen ganz zu verzichten.
"Sind Sie wirklich überzeugt," fragt der Patient fassungslos, "dass ich auf diese Weise hundert Jahre alt werde?"
-"Keineswegs, " sagt der Arzt, "es wird Ihnen aber bestimmt so vorkommen!"  669866410 Sitzen ein Mathematiker, ein theoretischer und ein praktischer Physiker eingeschlossen in einer Höhle. Sie haben nur eine geschlossene Essensdose, aber keinen Dosenöffner.
Um die Dose zu öffnen, versucht der praktische Physiker sie einfach gegen die Wand zu werfen. Ohne Erfolg.
Der theoretische Physiker rechnet dann den genauen Aufprallwinkel auf die Wand aus, damit sich der Deckel der Dose öffnet. Auch ohne Erfolg.
Dann sagt der Mathematiker lachend: "Es geht doch viel einfacher: Ich definiere diese Dosen als geöffnet und uns alle als satt!"
  642514531 Tatsächlich so vor Gericht gefallen, Wort für Wort, aufgenommen und veröffentlicht von Gerichtsreportern:

F: Wann ist ihr Geburtstag?
A: Am 15. Juli
F: Welches Jahr
A: Jedes Jahr  55006331 Tatsächlich so vor Gericht gefallen, Wort für Wort, aufgenommen und veröffentlicht von Gerichtsreportern:

F: Diese Amnesie, betrifft sie ihr gesamtes Errinerungsvermögen?
A: Ja
F: Auf welche Art greift sie in ihr Erinnerungsvermögen ein?
A: Ich vergesse
F: Sie vergessen. Können sie uns ein Beispiel geben von etwas, das sie vergessen?  150302845 Tatsächlich so vor Gericht gefallen, Wort für Wort, aufgenommen und veröffentlicht von Gerichtsreportern:

F: Wie alt ist ihr Sohn, der bei ihnen lebt?
A: 38 oder 35, ich verwechsle das immer.
F: Wie lange lebt er schon bei ihnen?
A: 45 Jahre.  1751161774 Tatsächlich so vor Gericht gefallen, Wort für Wort, aufgenommen und veröffentlicht von Gerichtsreportern:

F: Was war das erste, das ihr Mann an jenem Morgen fragte, als sie Aufwachten?
A: Er sagte: "Wo bin ich Cathy?"
F: Warum hat sie das verärgert?
A: Mein Name ist Susan.  1670204440 Tatsächlich so vor Gericht gefallen, Wort für Wort, aufgenommen und veröffentlicht von Gerichtsreportern:

F: Sie hatten 3 Kinder, richtig?
A: Ja.
F: Wie viele waren Jungen?
A: Keins.
F: Waren denn welche Mädchen?  2033809804 Tatsächlich so vor Gericht gefallen, Wort für Wort, aufgenommen und veröffentlicht von Gerichtsreportern:

F: Wie wurde ihre Erste Ehe beendet?
A: Durch den Tod.
F: Und durch wessen Tod wurde sie beendet?  1139393143 Tatsächlich so vor Gericht gefallen, Wort für Wort, aufgenommen und veröffentlicht von Gerichtsreportern:

F: Können sie die Person beschreiben?
A: Er war etwa mittelgroß und hatte einen Bart.
F: War es ein Mann oder eine Frau?  2136059325 Tatsächlich so vor Gericht gefallen, Wort für Wort, aufgenommen und veröffentlicht von Gerichtsreportern:

F: Doktor, wie viele Autopsien haben sie an Toten vorgenommen?
A: Alle meine Autopsien nehme ich an Toten vor.  285791375 Tatsächlich so vor Gericht gefallen, Wort für Wort, aufgenommen und veröffentlicht von Gerichtsreportern:

F: All deine Antworten müssen Mündlich sein
F: Auf welche Schule bist du gegangen?
A: Mündlich.  687976588 F: Erinnern Sie sich an den Zeitpunkt der Autopsie?
A: Die Autopsie begann 8.30 Uhr.
F: Mr. Denningten war zu diesem Zeitpunkt tot?
A: Nein, er saß auf dem Tisch und wunderte sich, warum ich ihn autopsierte.  1739975755 Tatsächlich so vor Gericht gefallen, Wort für Wort, aufgenommen und veröffentlicht von Gerichtsreportern:

F: Doktor, bevor sie mit der Autopsie anfingen, haben sie da den Puls gemessen?
A: Nein
F: Haben sie den Blutdruck gemessen?
A: Nein
F: Haben sie die Atmung geprüft?
A: Nein
F: Ist es also Möglich das der Patient noch am Leben war, als sie ihn autopsierten?
A: Nein
F: Wie können sie so sicher sein, Doktor?
A: Weil sein Gehirn in einem Glas auf meinem Tisch stand.
F: Hätte der Patient trotzdem noch am Leben sein können?
A: Ja, es ist möglich, dass er noch am Leben war und irgendwo als Anwalt praktizierte.  597089788 Ein amerikanischer Soldat, der in Afghanistan stationiert ist, erhielt neulich einen Brief von seiner Freundin aus der Heimat. 
Darin stand folgendes: 
"Lieber John, 
ich kann unsere Beziehung so leider nicht weiterführen. Die Entfernung, die zwischen uns liegt, ist zu groß. 
Ich muss auch zugeben, dass ich dich viermal betrogen habe seit du weg bist, und das Ganze ist für keinen von uns in Ordnung. Sorry. Bitte schick mir mein Photo zurück, welches ich dir gegeben habe. 
Gruß Wendy".
Der Soldat - sichtlich verletzt - ging sogleich zu seinen Kameraden und sammelte sämtliche Bilder, die sie entbehren konnten, ein, von ihren Freundinnen, Schwestern, Cousinen, ex-Freundinnen,Tanten...
Zusammen mit dem Bild von Wendy steckte er all die Photos von den hübschen Frauen in einen Umschlag. Es waren insgesamt 57 Photos. 
Dazu schrieb er: 
"Liebe Wendy, 
es tut mir leid, aber ich weiß leider nicht mehr, wer du bist. Bitte suche dein Bild raus, und schick mir den Rest zurück.
Gruß John"  722775979 "Überstanden!" Der soeben Operierte liegt wieder in seinem Zimmer und atmet auf.
"Sagen Sie das nicht zu früh", meint sein Bettnachbar, "mich mussten sie ein zweites Mal aufschneiden, weil der Professor eine Pinzette in meinem Bauch vergessen hatte."
Da steckt die Oberschwester ihren Kopf zur Tür herein und fragt: "Hat jemand die Brille vom Herrn Professor gesehen?"  1102015852 "Wie gefällt Ihnen mein neuer Hut, Herr Doktor?"
-"Sie wissen doch, gnädige Frau, als Arzt unterliege ich der Schweigepflicht."  1338775412 "Mein Gott, Meier!" rief der alte Arzt. "Haben Sie sich verändert! Man kennt Sie ja kaum wieder! Graue Haare haben Sie bekommen, einen Bart haben Sie sich zugelegt und dicker sind Sie auch geworden."
- "Aber ich heiße doch gar nicht Meier", sagt dieser befremdet. 
"Was", rief der Doktor, "und Meier heißen sie auch nicht mehr?"  1894626957 Arzt zum Patient: "Was macht eigentlich Ihr altes Leiden?"
-"Keine Ahnung, Herr Doktor, wir sind seit einem halben Jahr geschieden."  2147467201 "Ihre Temperatur ist kräftig gestiegen", sagt der Arzt nachdenklich zum Patienten.
-"Ach, deshalb habe ich so kalte Füße!"  180114800 Ein Hochzeitspaar in der Hochzeitsnacht steht im Schlafzimmer. 
Sagt der Mann zur seiner Frau: "Rechts ist meine Nachttischschublade und links ist deine. Ist das klar?"
Die Frau darauf: "Ja."
Sagt der Mann: "Da darfst du in der Zeit in der wir verheiratet sind, nicht dran gehen. Ist das klar?"
Die Frau darauf: "Sonnenklar."
Nach 25 Jahren Ehe fragt sich die Frau, was in der Nachttischschublade liegt. Sie schaut rein und entdeckt drei Eier und 1500 Euro. Am Abend stellt sie ihren Mann zur Rede.
"Du, hör mal Schatz, was haben eigentlich die drei Eier in deiner Nachttischschublade zu bedeuten?"
"Ja", sagt der Mann, "Schatz, das musst du dir so vorstellen: In den 25 Jahren Ehe bin ich fremdgegangen und für jedes Fremdgehen habe ich ein Ei in diese Schublade reingelegt."
"Das kann ich ja noch verstehen", sagt die Frau "aber was haben die 1500 Euro zu bedeuten?"
Darauf der Mann: "Na ja, jedes Mal wenn die Schublade voll war, hab ich die Eier verkauft!"E 408675599 "Ich glaube, im Bier sind weibliche Hormone?"
-"Wie kommst denn da drauf?"
"Ganz einfach: Immer wenn ich zuviel davon trinke, kann ich nicht mehr Auto fahren."  866954600 Zwei Rentnerpaare sind mit dem Auto auf der Autobahn und fahren nicht mehr als 81 km/h. Ein Polizist hält das Auto an.
Der Opa fragt: "Waren wir zu schnell?"
Darauf der Polizist: "Nein, aber warum fahren Sie so langsam?"
Opa: "Darf man schneller fahren?"
Polizist: "Ich denke 100 km/h kann man ruhig fahren."
Opa: "Aber auf dem Schild steht A81."
Polizist: "Ja, und? Was meinen Sie?"
Opa: "Na, da muss ich doch 81 km/h fahren."
Polizist: "Nein, das ist doch nur die Nummer der Autobahn."
Opa: "Ach so. Danke für den Hinweis."
Der Polizist schaut auf die Rückbank des Autos und sieht zwei steif sitzende Omis mit weit aufgerissenen Augen und unendlich großen Pupillen. Da fragt der Polizist fürsorglich die beiden Rentner: "Was ist denn mit den zwei hinten los? Ist den Damen nicht gut?"
Da sagt der andere Opa: "Doch, doch. Wir kommen nur von der B252."  428146520 Vier Studenten der Universität Sydney waren so gut in Organischer Chemie, dass sie alle ihre Tests, Klausuren und Praktika bisher in diesem Semester mit Eins bestanden. Sie waren sich so sicher, die Abschlussprüfung zu schaffen, dass sie sich entschlossen, das Wochenende vor der Prüfung nach Canberra zu fahren, wo einige Freunde eine Party schmissen.
Sie amüsierten sich gut. Nach heftigem Feiern verschliefen sie den ganzen Sonntag und schafften es nicht vor Montagmorgen - dem Tag der Prüfung - wieder zurück nach Sydney! Sie entschlossen sich, nicht zur Prüfung zu gehen, sondern dem Professor nach der Prüfung zu erzählen, warum sie nicht kommen konnten.
Die vier Studenten erklärten ihm, sie hätten in Canberra ein wenig in den Archiven der Australian National University geforscht und geplant gehabt, früh genug zurück zu sein, aber sie hätten einen Platten gehabt auf dem Rückweg und keinen Wagenheber dabei und es hätte ewig gedauert, bis ihnen jemand geholfen hätte. Deswegen seien sie erst jetzt angekommen!
Der Professor dachte darüber nach und erlaubte ihnen dann, die Abschlussprüfung am nächsten Tag nachzuholen. Die Studenten waren unheimlich erleichtert und froh. Sie lernten die ganze Nacht durch, und am nächsten Tag kamen sie pünktlich zum ausgemachten Zeitpunkt zum Professor.
Dieser setzte jeden Studenten in einen anderen Raum, gab ihnen die Aufgaben und sagte ihnen, sie sollten anfangen. Die 1. Aufgabe brachte 5 Punkte. Es war etwas Einfaches über eine Radikal-Reaktion. "Cool", dachten alle vier Studenten in ihren separaten Räumen, "das wird eine leichte Prüfung."
Jeder von ihnen schrieb die Lösung der 1. Aufgabe hin und drehte das Blatt um: "2. Aufgabe (95 Punkte): Welcher Reifen war platt?"  547593142 Der Lehrer bittet Fritzchen zu schätzen, wie hoch die Schule ist. "1 Meter 30", antwortet Fritzchen.
"Wie kommst du denn darauf?", fragt der Lehrer.
"Ich bin 1 Meter 50 und die Schule steht mir bis zum Hals."
Der Lehrer ist verärgert und bringt Fritzchen zum Direktor.
Dieser will Fritzchen auch testen: "Wie alt bin ich?", fragt der Direktor.
"44!", sagt Fritz.
-"Stimmt genau, aber wie kommst du darauf?"
"In meiner Straße wohnt ein Halbidiot und der ist 22!"  989879810 Die Lehrerin im Unterricht: "Wenn auf einem Ast drei Vögel sitzen und ich einen abschieße, wie viele sitzen dann noch dort?
Meldet sich Fritzchen: "Gar keine, Frau Lehrerin!"
"Aber wieso denn?"
"Wenn Sie einen abschießen, fällt der runter, und die anderen flattern vor Schreck davon!"
Die Lehrerin: "Hm, das war nicht die Antwort, die ich erwartet habe. Aber deine Art zu denken gefällt mir."
Darauf Fritzchen: "Ich hab auch ein Rätsel für Sie: in einem Eiscafe sitzen zwei Frauen. Eine beißt und eine lutscht ihr Eis. Welche ist verheiratet?"
Die Lehrerin wird rot, überlegt und sagt: "Die, die ihr Eis lutscht?"
Fritzchen: "Nein, die mit dem Ehering. Aber Ihre Art zu denken gefällt mir."
E 1459650869 "Du bist ein richtiges Ferkel, Fritzchen!" schimpft die Mutter. "Du weißt doch, was ein Ferkel ist?"
- "Klar," meint Fritzchen, "das Kind von einer Sau."   1677254136 Bei einer Computermesse hatte Bill Gates die Computer-Industrie mit der Auto-Industrie verglichen und das folgende Statement abgegeben: "Wenn General Motors mit der Technologie so mitgehalten hätte, wie die Computer-Industrie, dann würden wir heute alle 25-Dollar-Autos fahren, die 1000 Meilen mit einer Gallone Sprit fahren würden."

Als Antwort darauf veröffentlichte General Motors eine Presse-Erklärung mit folgendem Inhalt: "Wenn General Motors eine Technologie wie Microsoft entwickelt hätte, dann würden wir heute alle Autos mit folgenden Eigenschaften fahren:

1. Ihr Auto würde ohne erkennbaren Grund zweimal am Tag einen Unfall haben.
2. Jedesmal, wenn die Linien auf der Strasse neu gezeichnet werden, müsste man ein neues Auto kaufen.
3. Gelegentlich würde ein Auto ohne erkennbaren Grund auf der Autobahn einfach ausgehen und man würde das einfach akzeptieren, neu starten und weiterfahren.
4. Wenn man bestimmte Manöver durchführt, wie z.B. eine Linkskurve, würde das Auto einfach ausgehen und sich weigern neu zu starten. Man müsste dann den Motor neu installieren.
5. Man kann nur alleine in dem Auto sitzen, es sei denn, man kauft "Car95" oder "CarNT". Aber dann müsste man jeden Sitz einzeln bezahlen.
6. Macintosh würde Autos herstellen, die mit Sonnenenergie fahren, zuverlässig laufen, fünfmal so schnell und zweimal so leicht zu fahren sind, aber dafür nur auf 5% aller Strassen fahren.
7. Die Öl-Kontroll-Leuchte, die Warnlampen für Temperatur und Batterie würden durch eine "Genereller Auto Fehler"- Warnlampe ersetzt.
8. Neue Sitze würden erfordern, dass alle dieselbe Gesäß-Größe haben.
9. Das Airbag-System würde fragen "Sind Sie sicher?" bevor es auslöst.
10. Gelegentlich würde das Auto Sie ohne erkennbaren Grund aussperren. Sie können nur mit einem Trick wieder aufschließen und zwar müsste man gleichzeitig den Türgriff ziehen, den Schlüssel drehen und mit einer Hand an die Radio-Antenne fassen.
11. General Motors würde Sie zwingen, mit jedem Auto einen Deluxe-Kartensatz der Firma Rand-McNally (seit neuestem eine GM-Tochter) mit zu kaufen, auch wenn Sie diesen Kartensatz nicht brauchen oder möchten. Wenn Sie diese Option nicht wahrnehmen, würde das Auto sofort 50% langsamer werden (oder schlimmer). Darüberhinaus würde GM deswegen ein Ziel von Untersuchungen der Justiz.
12. Immer dann, wenn ein neues Auto von GM hergestellt werden würde, müssten alle Autofahrer das Autofahren neu erlernen, weil keiner der Bedien-Hebel genauso funktionieren würde, wie in den alten Autos.
13. Man müsste den "START"-Knopf drücken, um den Motor auszuschalten.  463299315 Thomas Gottschalk hat den besten Microsoft-Witze-Erfinder gemeinsam mit Bill Gates in seine Show eingeladen:
"Erst waren's die Ostfriesen, dann die Manta-Fahrer, es folgten die Blondinen. Jetzt ist offenbar Microsoft dran."
"Wir haben das aber echt nicht verdient", ereifert sich Bill Gates.
"Wir entwickeln die besten Programme weltweit, bugfrei, zum fairen Preis. Mit uns geht die Arbeit am PC locker von der Hand. Mit unseren Produkten macht Arbeit wirklich Spass."
"Hört sich gut an", unterbricht der Witze-Erfinder, "aber der ist leider nicht von mir!"  300682008 Ein Arzt, ein Anwalt und ein Prgrammierer streiten sich, ob eine Freundin einer Frau vorzuziehen wäre. 
Der Anwalt: "Klar, gibt am wenigsten Probleme bei der Trennung."
Daraufhin der Arzt: "Also ich brauche die Geborgenheit einer Frau." 
Der Programmier: "Also ich habe beides, denn wenn ich weg bin denkt meine Frau, ich bin bei meiner Freundin, und meine Freundin denkt, ich bin bei meiner Frau, und ich kann in Ruhe programmieren.  463258329 Prozess Apple gegen Microsoft. Es geht um Copyrightrechte an Video für Windows. 
Heute ist Hauptverhandlung. Bill Gates möchte ständig über den Lauf der Ereignisse unterrichtet werden. 
Nachmittags trifft eine E-Mail der Microsoft-Anwälte ein: "Die gerechte Sache hat gesiegt!" 
Bill Gates mailt zurück: "Sofort Berufung einlegen!"  1843526733 Kommt eine Leberwurst zum Tierarzt.
Sagt der Tierarzt: "Tut mir leid, aber bei ihnen ist leider schon alles zu spät."   1517746506 Unterhalten sich zwei Männer: 
"Ich baue für meine Frau einen Stuhl."
-"Und?"
"Bis auf die Elektrik ist er fertig!"   1259199009 Im Hörsaal zu Beginn der Jura-Vorlesung:
Professor: "Sehen Sie sich die Person rechts und links neben ihnen an, diese werden am Ende des Semesters nicht mehr dort sein..."  1250732985 "Sagst du jeden Abend ein Gebet auf?", fragt der Pastor den kleinen Franz.
"Nein, das macht meine Mutter für mich."
"Und was betet sie für dich?"
"Gott sei Dank, dass du jetzt im Bett bist!"   1963949348 Ein Mann kommt in eine Bank und geht an einen freien Schalter. Eine durchgestylte, arrogant blickende Bankangestellte bedient ihn: 
Sie: "Guten Tag, was kann ich für Sie tun?" 
Er: "Ich will ein Scheiß Konto eröffnen." 
Sie: "Wie bitte?!? Ich glaube, ich habe Sie nicht richtig verstanden!" 
Er: "Was gibt's da zu verstehen, ich will in dieser Drecksbank einfach nur ein beschissenes Konto eröffnen!" 
Sie: "Entschuldigen Sie, aber Sie sollten wirklich nicht in diesem Ton mit mir reden!" 
Er: "Hör zu Puppe, ich will nicht mit Dir reden, ich will nur ein stinkendes Scheiß Konto eröffnen!" 
Sie: "Ich werde jetzt den Manager holen..." und rennt weg. 
Weiter hinten sieht man sie dann aufgeregt mit einem gelackten Schlipsträger tuscheln, der daraufhin seine Brust schwellt und erhobenen Haupte mit der Schalterangestellten im Schlepptau auf den Mann zugeht. 
Manager: "Guten Tag der Herr, was für ein Problem gibt es?" 
Er: "Es gibt kein verdammtes Problem, ich hab' 20 Millionen im Lotto gewonnen und will dafür hier nur ein beschissenes blödes Konto eröffnen!" 
Manager: "Aha und diese blöde Kuh hier macht Ihnen Schwierigkeiten..."  1454835427 Seinerzeit in Ost-Berlin: Honecker läuft über einen Platz und sieht eine lange Menschenschlange. Neugierig wie er ist stellt er sich auch an. 
Der Mann vor ihm dreht sich rum, erkennt Honni und flüstert dem Mann vor ihm etwas ins Ohr.
Kurz und gut, nach einer Weile weiß jeder in der Schlange dass Honni da steht. Und die Schlange löst sich auf. 
Verwundert fragt Honecker einen: "Warum steht ihr hier so lange an und verschwindet jetzt alle?" 
Sagt der Mann: "Wir wollten unsere Ausreisegenehmigungen holen... Aber wenn Du sowieso gehen willst, können wir ja hier bleiben."  1110127682 Eine Grundschullehrerin geht zum Schuldirektor und beschwert sich: "Mit dem kleinen Peter aus der ersten Klasse ist es kaum auszuhalten! Der weiß alles besser! Er sagt, er ist mindestens so schlau wie seine Schwester, und die ist schon in der dritten Klasse! Jetzt will er auch in die dritte Klasse gehen!"
Der Rektor:
"Beruhigen Sie sich. Wenn er wirklich so schlau ist, können wir ihn ja einfach mal testen."
Gesagt, getan, und am nächsten Tag steht der kleine Peter zusammen mit seiner Lehrerin vor dem Rektor.
"Peter," sagt der Direktor, "es gibt zwei Möglichkeiten. Wir stellen dir jetzt ein paar Fragen. Wenn du die richtig beantwortest, kannst du ab heute in die dritte Klasse gehen. Wenn du aber falsch antwortest, gehst du zurück in die erste Klasse und benimmst dich!!"
Peter nickt eifrig.
Rektor: "Wie viel ist 6 mal 6?"
Peter: "36"
Rektor: "Wie heißt die Hauptstadt von Deutschland?"
Peter: "Berlin"
Und so weiter, der Rektor stellt seine Fragen und Peter kann alles richtig beantworten.
Rektor zur Lehrerin:
"Ich glaube, Peter ist wirklich weit genug für die dritte Klasse."
Lehrerin: "Darf ich ihm auch ein paar Fragen stellen?"
Rektor: "Bitte schön."
Lehrerin: "Peter, wovon habe ich zwei, eine Kuh aber vier?"
Peter, nach kurzem Überlegen: "Beine."
Lehrerin: "Was hast du in deiner Hose ich aber nicht?"
Der Rektor wundert sich etwas über diese Frage, aber da antwortet Peter schon: "Taschen."
Lehrerin: "Was macht ein Mann im Stehen, eine Frau im Sitzen und ein Hund auf drei Beinen?"
Dem Rektor steht der Mund offen, doch Peter nickt und sagt: "Die Hand geben."
Lehrerin: "Was ist hart und rosa, wenn es reingeht, aber weich und klebrig, wenn es rauskommt?"
Der Rektor bekommt einen Hustenanfall, und danach antwortet Peter gelassen: "Kaugummi."
Lehrerin: "Gut, Peter, eine Frage noch. Sag mir ein Wort, das mit F anfängt, mit N aufhört und etwas mit Hitze und Aufregung zu tun hat!"
Dem Rektor stehen die Tränen in den Augen. Peter freudig: "Feuerwehrmann!"
Rektor: "Schon gut, schon gut. Von mir aus kann Peter auch in die vierte Klasse gehen oder gleich auf's Gymnasium. Ich hätte die letzten fünf Fragen falsch gehabt..."E 1073860429 Bill Gates geht am Privatstrand seiner Villa spazieren. Auf einmal wird eine alte Flasche an Land gespült. Er nimmt sie, öffnet sie und es erscheint ein Flaschengeist.
"Danke für deine Rettung aus der Flasche, Bill. Du hast nun einen Wunsch frei. Was es auch sei, ich werde ihn dir erfüllen."
Gates überlegt und meint dann: "Hier ist eine Landkarte mit allen Krisen- und Kriegsgebieten der Erde. Ich möchte, dass dort überall Frieden herrscht."
Der Geist nimmt die Karte, stöhnt, und meint: "Das ist einfach zuviel. Hunderte von Kriegen, hassende Menschen, religiöse Fanatiker. Ich bin doch nur ein einfacher Flaschengeist, das kann ich nicht alles wieder geradebiegen. Hast du nicht noch irgendeinen anderen Wunsch?"
"Ich hätte da noch einen. Ich möchte, dass alle gröberen Fehler aus Windows XP verschwinden."
Darauf der Flaschengeist: "Zeig mir doch noch mal die Landkarte!"   625428922 "Ich installiere gerade Windows 98. Was soll ich drücken?"
"Am besten beide Daumen!"   179758396 Warum ist die Aussage 'Für die einen ist es Windows, für die anderen der größte Virus der Welt' inhaltlich nicht korrekt?
Ein Virus funktioniert zuverlässig!   1667449048 In einem Hühnerhof. Der Hahn ist schon alt, daher beschließt der Bauer einen jungen Hahn zu holen, der für Küken sorgen soll.
Der junge Hahn wird in das Gehege gesetzt. Der alte Hahn geht auf ihn zu und spricht ihn an: "Ich weiß, in einem Kampf hab ich keine Chance gegen dich. Ich überlasse dir die Hennen, aber lass mir wenigstens meine Lieblingshenne!"
"Nein," antwortet der junge Hahn, "wenn, dann will ich auch alle Hennen."
Der alte Hahn macht dann einen Vorschlag: "Wir machen ein Wettrennen. Wenn ich gewinne, lässt du mir meine Lieblingshenne. Wenn du gewinnst, kannst du alle haben. Aber da ich nicht mehr der Jüngste bin, lass mir bitte einen Vorsprung."
Der junge Hahn ist einverstanden.
Der alte Hahn läuft los. Zwei Sekunden später läuft der junge Hahn los, als er den alten Hahn fast eingeholt hat gibt es einen Knall. Der junge Hahn fällt tot um.
Der Bauer lädt seine Schrotflinte nach: "Schon der dritte schwule Hahn diese Woche."   1595184015 Kommt ein Huhn in ein Einkaufszentrum: "Könnte ich bitte zwei leere Eierkartons haben? Wir fliegen in den Urlaub und nehmen die Kinder mit!"  267933790 Ein Mann reitet auf einem Kamel, das am Ende seiner Kräfte ist, durch die Wüste. Irgendwann bleibt das Kamel stehen und ist auf keine Weise zum Weitergehen zu bewegen. Da sieht der Mann ein Schild, darauf steht: KAMELWERKSTATT. Der Mann steigt ab und zerrt das Kamel mühsam zur Werkstatt. Der Kamelmechaniker lässt sich den "Schaden" beschreiben, überlegt, dann sagt er: "Das kriegen wir in den Griff. Führen sie das Kamel bitte rückwärts an diese Rampe." Nachdem dies geschehen ist, nimmt der Kamelmechaniker zwei Backsteine, und mit voller Kraft haut er damit von beiden Seiten gegen die Klöten des Tieres. Wie ein Blitz fliegt das Kamel davon. Der Mann ist beeindruckt. Irgendwann ist das Kamel am Horizont entschwunden, der Mann sagt: "Alles gut und schön, aber wie komme ich jetzt an mein Kamel?" Der Mechaniker überlegt, dann sagt er: "Das kriegen wir in den Griff. Kommen sie bitte rückwärts an diese Rampe!"  421283284 Wir setzen uns abends hin und qualmen uns die Birne mit Gras zu, soweit ganz normal.
Dann kommt uns die geniale Idee, doch noch 'ne Runde per Auto um den Block zu fahren.
Als wir einen Kreisverkehr erreichen und da ein, zwei Runden im Kreis gefahren sind, kommt uns die zündende Idee:
"He, lass uns doch mal rückwärts durch den Kreisverkehr fahren, das ist bestimmt lustig!"
Soweit, so gut. Und weil es Gott nicht anders will, kommt uns beim Rückwärtsfahren natürlich ein Auto entgegen und fährt uns in den Kofferraum bzw. wir ihm gegen die Motorhaube.
Wir sitzen also in der Karre und kriegen die volle Panik nach dem Motto: "Jetzt ist alles aus!"
Und auch als die Polizei eintrifft, können wir unser Pech immer noch nicht fassen.
Durch einen gegenseitigen Rote-Augen-Check nach dem Motto: "Ja, wir haben gerade 3g Maroc geraucht - sieht man uns das etwa an?" haben wir uns bei der Wartezeit auch nicht gerade Mut gemacht.
Wir beobachten im Rückspiegel wie zwei Bullen lange mit dem Fahrer des hinteren Wagens reden.
Dann kommt der Polizist nach vorne - wir kurz vorm Durchdrehen.
Wir kurbeln das Fenster runter, der Bulle glotzt uns an und sagt:
"Jungs, ihr braucht euch keine Sorgen machen, der Typ hinter euch hat fast zwei Promille und behauptet, ihr wärt rückwärts durch den Kreisverkehr gefahren!"  1049358876 Ein Ferrarifahrer fährt auf der Autobahn. Plötzlich kommt er an einem liegen gebliebenen Trabbi vorbei.
Er fährt rechts ran und fragt ob er helfen kann.
Der Trabbifahrer: "Wenn sie mich bitte bis zur nächsten Ausfahrt schleppen würden!"
Der Ferrarifahrer holt die Abschleppstange raus, hängt den Trabbi hinten dran und sagt noch: "Wenn ich zu schnell fahre, machen sie bitte Lichthupe!"
Als sie bei 80 km/h angelangt sind, sind sie auf gleicher Höhe mit einer hübschen Porschefahrerin.
Sie zwinkert dem Ferrarifahrer zu, grinst ihn an und gibt Vollgas.
Er gibt auch Gas. Bei 210 sind sie wieder auf gleicher Höhe.
In diesem Moment stehen am Straßenrand zwei Polizisten. Der eine sagt: "Du, hast du den Porsche und den Ferrari gesehen?"
Der andere: "Ist nichts besonderes, das ist hier jeden Tag so."
Wieder der eine: "Du, hast du aber auch den Trabbi mit Lichthupe dahinter gesehen, die wollten den wohl nicht durchlassen!"   854125437 Wann erreicht der Trabi seine Höchstgeschwindigkeit?
Wenn er abgeschleppt wird!   1488699272 "Pusten Sie mal in das Röhrchen!", sagt der Polizist zum zu schnell gefahrenen Autofahrer.
"Ne!", sagt der Fahrer.
"Sie pusten jetzt auf der Stelle!", fordert der Polizist den Fahrer auf.
"Nö!"
"Sie, wenn Sie jetzt nicht pusten, puste ich und dann haben Sie 3,5 Promille!"   492438279 Abschlussprüfung an der Uni. Thema dieses Semesters:
Schall und Licht. Erster Kandidat betritt den Raum. 
Der Prof: "Was ist schneller, der Schall oder das Licht?"
Der Student: "Das Licht." 
Der Prof: "Schön, und wieso?" 
Der Student: "Wenn ich das Radio einschalte, kommt erst das Licht und dann der Ton." 
Der Prof: "Raus!!!"
Der zweite Kandidat. Dieselbe Frage. 
Antwort: "Der Schall." 
Der Prof: "Wieso das denn ?!?" 
Der Student: "Wenn ich meinen Fernseher einschalte, kommt erst der Ton und dann das Bild."
Der Prof: "RAUS!!!"
Der Prof fragt sich, ob die Studenten zu dumm sind oder ob er die Fragen zu kompliziert stellt. Der dritte Kandidat. 
Der Prof: "Sie stehen auf einem Berg. Ihnen gegenüber steht eine Kanone, die auf sie abgefeuert wird. Was nehmen sie zuerst wahr? Das Mündungsfeuer oder den Knall?"
Der Student: "Das Mündungsfeuer." 
Der Prof frohlockt und fragt: "Können Sie das begründen?" 
Der Student druckst und meint dann: "Na ja, die Augen sind doch weiter vorne als die Ohren..."  305136338 "Was ist Betrug?", fragt der Professor den Jurastudenten.
"Betrug ist, wenn Sie mich durchfallen lassen."
"Wieso denn das?"
"Weil sich nach dem Strafgesetzbuch derjenige des Betruges schuldig macht, der die Unwissenheit eines anderen ausnützt, um diesen zu schädigen."  870432398 Zwei Ingenieurstudenten schlendern über den Campus.
Da sagt der eine: "Woher hast du so ein tolles Fahrrad?"
Darauf der Andere: "Als ich gestern ganz in Gedanken versunken spazieren ging, fuhr ein hübsches Mädchen mit diesem Fahrrad. Als sie mich sah, warf sie das Rad zur Seite, riss sich die Kleider vom Leib und schrie: "Nimm dir was du willst!"
Der erste Student nickte zustimmend: "Gute Wahl, die Kleider hätten vermutlich nicht gepasst!"  197050227 Ein Mann sitzt im eigentlich ausverkauften Stadion des WM-Finales und hat neben sich einen leeren Sitz. Irritiert fragt er den Zuschauer auf der anderen Seite des leeren Platzes, ob der Platz jemandem gehöre.
"Nein", lautet die Antwort. "Der Sitz ist leer"
"Aber das ist unmöglich! Wer in aller Welt hat eine Karte für das WM-Finale, dem größten sportlichen Ereignis überhaupt, und lässt dann den Sitz ungenutzt?"
"Nun, der Sitz gehört zu mir. Meine Frau wollte mitkommen, aber sie ist kürzlich verstorben. Es ist das erste WM-Finale, das wir uns nicht gemeinsam ansehen können, seitdem wir geheiratet haben."
"Oh, das tut mir leid. Aber wollte niemand Ihrer Verwandten oder Freunde an ihrer Stelle mitkommen?"
Der Mann schüttelt den Kopf: "Nein. Die sind alle auf der Beerdigung."   752455597 Zwei Omas schauen beim Boxen zu. Da geht der eine Boxer zu Boden. Der Ringrichter fängt an zu zählen: "1...,2...,3..."
Sagt die eine Oma: "Der steht nicht auf! Den kenne ich aus der Straßenbahn."   1957230956 Zwei Fussballfans wollen sich das Spiel Köln gegen Düsseldorf im Stadion anschauen. An der Stadionkasse kommt plötzlich ein Kampfhund angerannt und beißt sich im Bein eines der beiden Fans fest. Der andere nimmt sich einen herumliegenden Stock und schlägt zu. Er trifft das Tier so unglücklich, dass sofort sein Genick bricht und es tot umfällt.
Ein Reporter, der das mit angesehen hatte, lief zu den beiden hin und sagte: "Das muss ich unbedingt schreiben! Ich sehe schon die Schlagzeile: ´Todesmutiger Köln-Fan rettet Mann vor abgerichteten Kampfhund!´"
Da sagt der Retter: "Ich bin doch Düsseldorf-Fan!"
Daraufhin nimmt der Reporter seinen Notizblock und schreibt: "Asozialer Düsseldorfer tötet Welpen!"   656396070 Was macht ein Schalke-Fan, nachdem Schalke Meister geworden ist?
Er macht die Playstation aus und geht schlafen!   1318598601 Bush, Blair und Schröder an der Nordsee. Auf einmal sagt Blair: "Wir haben ein U-Boot, das 10 Tage ohne zu tanken unter Wasser bleiben kann."
Sagt Bush: "Das ist doch gar nichts! Wir können 30 Tage, ohne zu tanken, unter Wasser bleiben."
Schröder guckt schon ganz beschämt und schweigt. Plötzlich taucht ein U-Boot auf, die Luke geht auf und ein Mann schaut heraus:
"Heil Hitler! Wir brauchen Diesel!"   1927735588 "Herr Leutnant, wissen Sie eigentlich, wie man ein Arschloch neugierig macht?"
"Nein - wie denn?"
"Ich erzähl's Ihnen morgen!"   721535563 Ein Gymnasiallehrer, ein Realschullehrer und ein Sonderschullehrer verlieren bei einer Alkoholkontrolle ihren Führerschein. Verzweifelt versuchen sie, die Polizeibeamten auf dem Revier gnädig zu stimmen. Als erster versucht es der Gymnasiallehrer, da er der Klügste der Kollegen ist. Aber nach 10 Minuten kommt er wieder heraus und sagt: "Es hat keinen Sinn. Sie geben uns die Führerscheine nicht wieder." Als nächster versucht es der Realschullehrer, aber auch er kommt nach 10 Minuten mit hängendem Kopf heraus und sagt: "Keine Chance".
Schließlich geht der Sonderschullehrer hinein. Nach 5 Minuten kommt er strahlend mit den drei Führerscheinen in der Hand aus dem Polizeirevier. Seine Kollegen sind begeistert und fragen ihn, wie er das denn geschafft habe.
Daraufhin der Sonderschullehrer: "Ach, das war eigentlich gar kein Problem. Die sind alle bei mir in die Klasse gegangen!"   1177678670 F: Warum benutzen Beamte keine Taschentücher?
A: Weil auf der Packung "TEMPO" draufsteht!   1304207636 Sitzen zwei Polizisten und ein Hund im Streifenwagen.
Der eine Polizist fährt, der andere schaut dem Hund immerzu ins Arschloch.
Nach einiger Zeit fragt der fahrende Polizist den anderen: "Warum guckst du dem Hund immerzu ins Arschloch?"
Daraufhin der andere: "Vorhin an der Kreuzung haben zwei Männer gesagt : 'Guck mal, da ist ein Hund mit zwei Arschlöchern!'"   886297353 Ein Politiker, ein Wissenschaftler und ein Beamter wollen zusammen Schnecken sammeln. Sie treffen sich alle drei am vereinbarten Ort und ziehen dann los. Nach einer halben Stunde kommt der Wissenschaftler mit 160 Schnecken zurück. Noch eine halbe Stunde später kommt der Politiker mit 80 Stück. Nun warten sie noch auf den Beamten. Nach drei Stunden kommt auch dieser endlich wieder. Er hat keine einzige Schnecke dabei. Die beiden anderen wundern sich und fragen ihn, wieso er nichts gesammelt hätte. Darauf der Beamte: "Das ist doch der Wahnsinn mit den Viechern! Ich sehe eine Schnecke, bücke mich danach, und husch, ist sie weg"!  116411690 Ein kleiner Junge geht die Straße entlang. Er findet einen Gummiknüppel.
Ein paar Meter weiter steht ein Polizeibeamter.
Kleiner Junge: "Ist das Ihr Gummiknüppel, Herr Polizist?"
Polizeibeamter schaut nach: "Ne, meinen hab ich verloren."   1288570917 Beamte sind unbestechlich, sie dürfen nicht einmal Vernunft annehmen!   748315105 F: Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einem Stück Holz und einem Beamten?
A: Holz arbeitet!   638845314 Ein Taxi-Passagier tippt dem Fahrer auf die Schulter, um etwas zu fragen. Der Fahrer schreit laut auf, verliert die Kontrolle über den Wagen, verfehlt knapp einen entgegenkommenden Bus, schießt über den Gehsteig und kommt wenige Zentimeter vor einem Schaufenster zum Stehen. Für ein paar Sekunden ist alles ruhig, dann schreit der Taxifahrer laut los: "Machen Sie das nie wieder! Sie haben mich ja zu Tode erschreckt!"
Der Fahrgast ist ganz baff und entschuldigt sich voll Erstaunen: "Ich konnte ja nicht wissen, dass Sie sich wegen eines Schultertippens dermaßen erschrecken."
"Ist ja auch mein Fehler", meint der Fahrer etwas ruhiger. "Heute ist mein erster Tag als Taxifahrer. Die letzten 25 Jahre bin ich einen Leichenwagen gefahren."  1804991249 An der Grenze, ein Mann fährt mit dem Fahrrad vor, auf dem Gepäckträger einen Sack.
Zöllner: "Haben Sie etwas zu verzollen?"
Mann: "Nein."
Zöllner: "Und was haben sie in dem Sack?"
Mann: "Sand."
Bei der Kontrolle stellt sich heraus: tatsächlich Sand.
Eine ganze Woche lang kommt jeden Tag der Mann mit dem Fahrrad und dem Sack auf dem Gepäckträger. Am achten Tag wird's dem Zöllner doch verdächtig:
Zöllner: "Was haben sie in dem Sack?"
Mann: "Nur Sand."
Zöllner: "Hmm, mal sehen..."
Der Sand wird diesmal gesiebt - Ergebnis: nur Sand.
Der Mann kommt weiterhin jeden Tag zur Grenze. Zwei Wochen später wird es dem Grenzer zu bunt und er schickt den Sand ins Labor - Ergebnis: nur Sand.
Nach einem weiteren Monat der "Sandtransporte" hält es der Zöllner nicht mehr aus und fragt den Mann: "Also, ich gebe es Ihnen schriftlich, dass ich nichts verrate, aber sie schmuggeln doch etwas. Sagen sie mir bitte, was!"
Der Mann: "Fahrräder..."   981552881 Arzt zu Patient: "Warum rennen Sie aus dem OP-Saal hinaus?"
Patient: "Die Schwester hat gesagt 'regen Sie sich nicht so auf, das ist nur eine einfache Blinddarmoperation. Sie werden es schon schaffen!'"
Arzt: "Und was ist daran schlimm?"
Patient: "Sie hat es nicht zu mir gesagt, sondern zu dem Chirurgen."  91774421 Ein junger Mann zieht in die Stadt und geht zu einem großen Kaufhaus, um sich dort nach einem Job umzusehen.
Manager: "Haben Sie irgendwelche Erfahrungen als Verkäufer?"
Junger Mann: "Klar, da wo ich herkomme, war ich immer der Top-Verkäufer!"
Der Manager findet den selbstbewussten jungen Mann sympathisch und stellt ihn ein. Der erste Arbeitstag ist hart, aber er meistert ihn.
Nach Ladenschluss kommt der Manager zu ihm. "Wie viele Kunden hatten Sie denn heute?"
Junger Mann: "Einen."
Manager: "Nur Einen? Unsere Verkäufer machen im Schnitt 20 bis 30 Verkäufe pro Tag! Wie hoch war denn die Verkaufssumme?"
Junger Mann: "210325 Euro und 65 Cent."
Manager: "210325 Euro und 65 Cent?! Was haben Sie denn verkauft?"
Junger Mann: "Zuerst habe ich dem Mann einen kleinen Angelhaken verkauft, dann habe ich ihm einen mittleren Angelhaken verkauft. Dann verkaufte ich ihm einen noch größeren Angelhaken und schließlich verkaufte ich ihm eine neue Angelrute. Dann fragte ich ihn, wo er denn eigentlich zum Angeln hinwollte, und er sagte 'Hoch an die Küste'.
Also sagte ich ihm, er würde ein Boot brauchen. Wir gingen also in die Bootsabteilung, und ich verkaufte ihm diese doppelmotorige Seawind. Er bezweifelte, dass sein Honda Civic dieses Boot würde ziehen können, also ging ich mit ihm rüber in die Automobilabteilung und verkaufte ihm diesen Pajero mit Allradantrieb."
Manager: "Sie wollen damit sagen, ein Mann kam zu ihnen, um einen Angelhaken zu kaufen, und Sie haben ihm gleich mehrere Haken, eine neue Angelrute, ein Boot und einen Geländewagen verkauft?!?"
Junger Mann: "Nein, nein, er kam her und wollte eine Packung Tampons für seine Frau kaufen, also sagte ich zu ihm: 'Nun, wo Ihr Wochenende doch sowieso langweilig ist, könnten Sie ebenso gut Angeln fahren.'"  2071112420 Ein Gynäkologe möchte zum Automechaniker umschulen.
Da sagt der Meister zu ihm: "Sie müssen einen Test machen, bei dem es 100 Punkte gibt. Die brauchen Sie, um Mechaniker zu werden."
Der Gynäkologe geht an die Arbeit.
Nach dem er fertig ist, kommt der Meister zu ihm und sagt: "Sie
bekommen von mir 150 Punkte! Die ersten 50 für's Auseinanderbauen, die zweiten 50 für's Zusammenbauen und die restlichen 50 dafür, dass Sie das alles durch den Auspuff gemacht haben!"  160388333 F: Warum haben Frauen vier Gehirnzellen? 
A: Für jede Herdplatte eine!  2052893632 Der Lehrer im Deutschunterricht: "Ich gebe Euch einen Satz: 'Der Polizist wird von der Kugel getroffen.' An welcher Stelle ist der Satzgegenstand?" 
Fritzchen hebt die Hand: "Auf'm Friedhof!  1643309237 Ein Zoologie-Student steht mitten im Examen. Der Professor deutet auf einen halbbedeckten Käfig, in dem nur die Beine eines Vogels zu sehen sind. 
"Welcher Vogel ist das?"
- "Weiss ich nicht."
"Ihren Namen bitte!" 
Da zieht der Student seine Hosenbeine hoch: "Raten Sie mal!"  1212344304 Ein Lehrer steht seit Stunden mit seiner dritten Klasse auf dem Bahnsteig. Einen Zug nach dem anderen lässt er passieren. Schließlich platzt ihm der Kragen: "Den nächsten Zug nehmen wir, auch wenn wieder nur 1. und 2. Klasse draufsteht."  1963517639 Zwei Idioten kommen ins Hallenbad. Der eine spannt einen Regenschirm auf und stellt sich unter die Dusche. 
"Was soll denn das?", fragt der andre verwundert. 
"Ich habe mein Handtuch vergessen!"  281442702 Gerichtsverhandlung nach einem Autounfall. 
Der Anwalt des schuldigen Fahrers fragt den Kläger: "Ist es richtig, dass Sie nach dem Unfall meinem Mandanten gesagt haben, sie seien nicht verletzt?"
- "Natürlich habe ich das gesagt, aber dazu müssen Sie wissen, wie sich die Sache abgespielt hat: Also, ich reite mit meinem Pferd ruhig die Straße entlang. Da kommt das Auto angerast und wirft uns in den Graben. Das war vielleicht ein Durcheinander, das können sie sich nicht vorstellen. Ich lag auf dem Rücken, die Beine in die Luft - und mein braves altes Pferd auch. Da steigt der Fahrer aus, kommt auf uns zu und sieht, dass mein Pferd sich ein Bein gebrochen hat. Darauf zieht er wortlos eine Pistole und erschießt es. Danach sieht er mich an und fragt: 'Sind sie auch verletzt?' - Nun frage ich Sie, Herr Rechtsanwalt, was hätten sie geantwortet?"  54442285 Der Richter zum Ehemann: "Ihre Frau verzeiht und will es noch einmal mit Ihnen versuchen." 
Der Mann seufzt und meint: "Gut, ich nehme die Strafe an."  682379951 Drei Männer stehen vor Gericht. 
Fragt der Richter den ersten: "Was hast Du denn gemacht?"
- "Ich habe den Stein ins Wasser geworfen." 
Sagt der Richter: "Das macht doch nix! Sie sind frei!" 
Fragt der Richter den zweiten: "Und was hast Du angestellt?" 
- "Ich habe geholfen den Stein ins Wasser zu werfen." 
Erwidert der Richter: "Ja und, das macht auch nix! Du bist auch frei!" 
Fragt er schliesslich den dritten: "Was hast dann Du gemacht?" 
- "Nix, Herr Richter, ich bin Peter Stein!"  1873477783 Vor Gericht: "Angeklagter, warum leugnen Sie immer noch? Sie sind von zehn Zeugen gesehen worden!" 
- "Was besagt das schon, Herr Richter. Ich kann Ihnen hundert bringen, die mich nicht gesehen haben."  1194884109 F: Warum sägen die Ostfriesen vor dem Schlafengehen die Bettbeine?
A: Damit sie tiefer schlafen.  1254072955 F: Wie machen Ostfriesen ihre Milch warm?
A: Sie zünden ihre Kühe an!  872962241 F: Warum essen die Ostfriesen keine Essiggurken?
A: Weil sie mit dem Kopf nicht in das Glas reinkommen.  1134001246 F: Wie versenkt der böse Mensch ein ostfriesisches U-Boot?
A: Er taucht unter, klopft höflich an - irgendeiner macht sicher mal auf.  1654387327 F: Warum landet ein ostfriesisches Flugzeug immer quer zur Piste?
A: Weil deren Landebahnen zwar furchtbar breit aber dafür wahnsinnig kurz sind!  1804710787 Kommt ein Ostfriese ins Musikgeschäft: "Ich hätte gerne die rote Trompete und das weiße Akkordeon."
Darauf der Verkäufer: "Den Feuerlöscher können Sie meinetwegen mitnehmen, aber der Heizkörper bleibt hier!"  155292968 F: Warum haben die Ostfriesen immer eine leere Flasche im Kühlschrank?
A: Falls mal ein Gast kommt, der nichts trinken möchte.  880268652 Ein Ostfriese kommt in eine Eisenwarenhandlung und beschwert sich: "Ich habe gestern diese Säge bei Ihnen gekauft. Mir wurde versprochen, dass man hiermit locker zwanzig Bäume am Tag fällen kann - ich habe aber nur einen geschafft!"
Daraufhin startet der Verkäufer die Motorsäge.
Der Kunde verdutzt: "Nanu, was ist denn das für ein Geräusch?"  1412730892 F: Warum nehmen die Ostfriesen immer einen Stein und ein Streichholz mit ins Bett?
A: Mit dem Stein werfen sie das Licht aus und mit dem Streichholz schauen sie nach, ob es auch wirklich ausgegangen ist.  668904954 F: Warum hängen die Ostfriesen die Badezimmertür aus, wenn sie baden?
A: Damit niemand durchs Schlüsselloch schauen kann.  1960383676 Die Ostfriesen erklären Japan den Krieg und schreiben in ihrer Kriegserklärung: "Wir haben fünf Panzer und fünfzig Mann."
Japan schreibt zurück: "Kriegserklärung angenommen. Haben fünftausend Panzer und fünfzigtausend Mann!"
Ostfriesland antwortet: "Kriegserklärung zurückgezogen, haben nicht soviel Platz für Kriegsgefangene!"  1659023318 Die Kuh eines ostfriesischen Bauern ist krank. 
Besorgt fragt er seinen Nachbar: "Was hast Du denn damals deiner Kuh gegeben als sie so krank war?"
- "Salmiak-Geist."
Gesagt, getan. Nach einer Woche besucht der Bauer seinen Nachbar. 
"Meine Kuh ist tot", sagt er. Darauf dieser: "Meine damals auch."  1756416950 F: Warum haben ostfriesische Polizisten immer eine Schere mit dabei?
A: Damit sie den Verbrechern jederzeit den Weg abschneiden können.  1816743750 Clinton und Putin werden eingefrohren. Im Jahre 2040 werden sie wieder zum Leben erweckt. Putin kriegt eine Zeitung in die Hände und fängt tierisch an zu lachen. Clinton fragt sich, was denn in den gefahren ist. Er nimmt die Zeitung und macht grosse Augen. Die Schlagzeile lautet: USA ist kommunistisch geworden. Während Putin sich nicht einkriegen kann, schnappt sich Clinton eine andere Zeitung und fängt ebenfalls zu lachen. Nicht nur das, er kann nicht mehr vor lachen und wälzt sich schon auf dem Boden. Putin fragt sich natürlich was denn witziger sein kann, als die Tatsache, dass die USA kommunistisch geworden ist. Er schnappt sich Clintons Zeitung. Als er die Schlagzeile liest, kriegt er fast einen Herzinfakt: "Ausschreitungen an der polnisch chinesischen Grenze!"  1031083442 Kohl und Miterrand sind bei Tony Blair zu Gast. Der präsentiert stolz seinen neuen "Wunsch-Swimming Pool". "Paßt auf, ich zeig's Euch mal!" gibt Blair an. Er nimmt Anlauf, rennt auf den Pool zu, ruft "Guinness", springt ab und "platsch" schwimmt er in Guinness. Er nimmt zwei, drei Schluck und klettert wieder raus. Kohl und Miterrand sind begeistert und möchten es natürlich auch gleich einmal ausprobieren. Miterrand drängelt sich nach vorn, nimmt Anlauf, rennt auf den Pool zu, ruft "Champagner", springt ab und "platsch" schwimmt er in selbigem. Er nimmt zwei, drei Schluck und klettert wieder raus. Helmut kann es kaum erwarten, bis er dran ist. Auch er nimmt Anlauf, rennt auf den Pool zu, stolpert und ruft "Scheiße!"...  402966864 Schröder, Merkel und Stoiber fahren mit einem Boot auf dem Rhein. Plötzlich geht das Boot unter.
F: Wer wird gerettet?
A: Deutschland!  1971565275 Ein Mann wird bei der Polizeikontrolle angehalten.
Polizist: "Blasen Sie bitte in das Röhrchen!"
Autofahrer: "Geht nicht. Ich habe Asthma."
Polizist: "Kommen Sie mit zur Blutprobe!"
-"Geht nicht, bin Bluter."
"Dann gehen Sie auf dieser Linie!"
-"Geht nicht, bin betrunken."  1012103851 Schröder, Eichel und Clement überfliegen Deutschland. 
Plötzlich packt Gerhard ein Anfall von Wohltätigkeit und er wirft einen 1.000 Euro-Schein aus dem Fenster. "Ach, es tut gut, einen Bundesbürger da unten glücklich zu machen!" 
Eichel will ihm nicht nachstehen, überlegt kurz und wirft dann entschlossen zehn 100 Euro-Scheine aus dem Fenster. "Ach, es tut gut, zehn Bundesbürger da unten ein wenig glücklicher zu machen!" 
Clement kann natürlich nicht gut beiseitestehen. Er nimmt 1.000 Eurostücke und wirft sie aus dem Fenster. "Ach, es tut gut, tausend Bundesbürger da unten ein bisschen glücklicher zu machen!" 
Der Pilot im Cockpit fragt sich, was im Passagierraum los ist, weil seine Maschine Schlagseite bekommt. Er übergibt an den Kopiloten, geht nach hinten, sieht die drei Politiker am offenen Fenster herumhampeln und wirft sie kurzerhand hinaus. 
Dann kehrt er ins Cockpit zurück und sagt zu seinem Kollegen: "Ach, es tut gut, achtzig Millionen Bundesbürger da unten so richtig glücklich zu machen!"  754851683 Helmut Kohl geht mit seiner Frau in die Oper. 
Vor ihm steht ein Paar an der Kasse und er hört, wie der Mann zwei Karten verlangt: "Zwei Karten für Tristan und Isolde, bitte!" 
Als Helmut an die Reihe kommt verlangt er: "Bitte zwei Karten, für Helmut und Hannelore."  136229195 Helmut Kohl wird zu seinem Urlaub befragt: "Herr Kohl, wo waren Sie denn dieses Jahr im Urlaub?"
"In Stanton!" antwortet dieser.
"Äh, Sie meinen wohl Sankt Anton!" berichtigt der Reporter. "Und wohin soll es nächstes Jahr gehen?"
Darauf Kohl: "In die St. Eiermarkt."  1599858090 Der Tierarzt ruft an: "Ihre Frau ist mit Ihrer Katze da und bat mich, sie einzuschläfern. Ist das in Ordnung?"
-"Klar, die Katze können Sie einfach vor die Tür setzen, die kennt den Heimweg!"E 1332626881 Ein Betrunkener latscht auf einem Parkplatz lang und befühlt jedes Auto am Dach. 
Ein Passant, der die Sache beobachtet hat, fragt den Betrunkenen: "Warum betatschen Sie jedes Auto am Dach?"
- "Ich muss mein Auto raussuchen!" 
Darauf der Passant: "Ja, aber wie wollen Sie das am Dach erkennen?"
- "Na, ganz einfach: meins hat oben drauf ein Blaulicht!"  357035198 Fahrzeugkontrolle: 
"Ihr linkes Rücklicht brennt nicht", belehrt der Polizist den Lastwagenfahrer. 
Der steigt aus, geht nach hinten und bleibt fassungslos bei seinem Fahrzeug stehen. 
"Sehen Sie, es funktioniert nicht", wiederholt der Beamte freundlich. 
"Zum Teufel mit dem Rücklicht", schnauzt ihn der Kapitän der Landstraße an. "Sagen Sie mir lieber, wo mein Anhänger geblieben ist!"  746165761 Der Zollbeamte beugt sich in das geöffnete Fenster des Wagens und fragt: "Alkohol, Zigaretten?" 
Der Fahrer winkt ab: "Nein, aber wenn Sie schon fragen zwei Kaffee, bitte!"  136987788 Verkehrskontrolle. "Sind Sie verrückt geworden, mit achtzig durch die geschlossene Ortschaft zu rasen?"
Darauf sie, pikiert: "Das ist nur mein Hut, Herr Wachtmeister, der mich so alt macht."  2020712435 Zwei Ostfriesen unterhalten sich: "Du, stell Dir vor, dieses Jahr fällt Sylvester auf einen Freitag!" 
Darauf der andere: "Ohje, womöglich auch noch auf den Dreizehnten?!"  1657512260 Zwei Polizisten auf Streife: "Du, ich hab noch viel an meiner Laube zu basteln. Kannst du nicht alleine weitermachen."
Sagt der andere: "Ist okay, hau ab!" 
Nach zwei Stunden Streife, schaut der eine Polizist bei seinem Kollegen vorbei, der auf dem Dach seiner Laube sitzt und Dachpappen nagelt. Einen Nagel klopft er rein, zwei schmeißt er weg, einen Nagel klopft er rein, zwei schmeißt er weg... 
Sagt der Kollege von unten: "Sag mal, warum schmeißt Du denn so viel Nägel weg?" 
Darauf der andere: "Paß mal auf, da gibts Nägel, die sind okay. Die haben den Kopf oben und die Spitze unten. Aber dann gibs noch welche, die haben unten den Kopf und oben die Spitze, die krieg ich hier nicht rein." 
Meint der Polizist von unten: "Mensch, die brauchste doch nicht wegschmeißen, die kannst Du doch aufheben; vielleicht hast Du ja mal was von unten zu nageln!"  1974289439 "Soso, Sie behaupten also, mit Ihrem Auto nicht die zulässige Höchstgeschwindigkeit überschritten zu haben. Wie wollen Sie das denn beweisen?"
- "Das kann ich sehrwohl beweisen, Herr Polizist! Ich befand mich gerade auf dem Weg zu meiner Schwiegermutter."  2138913303 Ein betrunkener Obdachloser wankt durch die Stadt und durchsucht die Mülltonnen nach etwas Essbarem. In einem Container liegt ein Spiegel. Als er dort hineinsieht, erschreckt er sich zu Tode und ruft sofort die Polizei. Den ankommenden Beamten teilt er mit: "In dem Container liegt eine Leiche!" Der Polizist beugt sich in den Container und sagt zu seinem Kollegen: "Mensch Paule, ich werde verrückt, es ist einer von uns!"  1835149788 F: Wie öffnet ein Polizist eine Konservendose?
A: "Aufmachen, Polizei!"  46721655 Eines Tages im Polizeifunk: "Zentrale an alle! Zentrale an alle! Die Besatzung von Streifenwagen Nummer 63 nimmt bitte das nackte Mädchen in der Bahnhofstraße fest! Die restlichen 108 Fahrzeuge kehren bitte wieder in ihre eigenen Einsatzgebiete zurück!"  279248203 Zwei Polizisten werden zum Gymnasium gerufen, weil dort eine Leiche gefunden wurde. 
Der eine will den Bericht verfassen und fragt den anderen: "Du, wie schreibt man denn Gymnasium?" 
Die beiden grübeln fünf Minuten, zehn Minuten, zwanzig Minuten, nach einer halben Stunde schlägt der eine flüsternd vor: "Du, ich würde sagen wir ziehen die Leiche rüber zur Post."  911151618 "Baden ist hier verboten!", sagt der Polizist einer jungen Frau. 
"Warum haben sie das nicht gesagt, bevor ich mich ausgezogen habe?"
-"Ausziehen ist nicht verboten."  859467544 Lehrer: "Kennst du den Ärmelkanal?" 
Thomas: "Nein, wir sind leider noch nicht verkabelt!"  976422658 Der Lehrer schreibt 2:2 an die Tafel und fragt: "Was bedeutet das?"
"Unentschieden", ruft die Klasse.  1290391491 Die Lehrerin zu ihren Schülern: "Was sind eigentlich Mumien?" 
Plärrt Fritzchen aus der hintersten Reihe: "Das sind eingemachte Könige."  1745239269 "Karl", sagt der Lehrer, "bitte nenne mir ein Abführmittel."
- "Handschellen, Herr Lehrer."  1527506665 Sohn zur Mutter: "Mami, ich hab eine gute und eine schlechte Nachricht!" 
Darauf die Mutter: "Ja, was denn? Zuerst die gute!"
-"Die Schule ist heute abgebrannt!"
"Was ist dann erst die schlechte?"
-"Die Zeugnisse konnten noch gerettet werden."  682726535 F: Was sind die letzten Worte eines Sportlehrers?
A: "Alle Speere zu mir!"  997941122 Die junge Referendarin hat Ihre erste Lehrprobe. Sie schreibt an die Tafel: "Im Herbst werden alle Blätter braun". 
Dann fordert Sie den kleinen Gerd auf, den Satz vorzulesen. 
Gerd stottert zuerst ein bißchen rum,liest dann aber vor: "Mann, ist das ein steiler Zahn!". 
Die Referendarin schnappt nach Luft und schickt Gerd vor die Tür. 
Beim herausgehen dreht sich Gerd zur Prüfungskommission um und sagt beleidigt: "Wenn Ihr mir noch einmal falsch vorsagt, dann war ich das letzte mal im Unterricht!"  2051858495 "Meine Frau spielt ständig die beleidigte Leberwurst."
"Hast Du's gut. Meine spielt Saxophon!"  1572383856 Das Saxophon ist eine Kreuzung zwischen Klarinette, Tuba und einem Kanarienvogel und klingt immer, als wenn einer gern möchte und nicht kann. Es ist ein Zwitter und eine peinliche Angelegenheit im Orchester, das durch Nebelhörner und Gießkannen leicht ersetzt werden kann.  1862073244 Was haben der Blinddarm und ein Saxophonist gemeinsam?
- Sie können beide große Schmerzen verursachen.
- Man vermißt sie nicht, wenn man sie los ist.
- Und bei beiden kann niemand sagen, wozu sie eigentlich gut sind.  1220813665 Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einem Saxophon und einem Rasenmäher?
- Die Nachbarn sind verärgert, wenn man einen Rasenmäher borgt und nicht mehr zurückgibt.  1768466449 Kommt ein Oboist zum Neurologen. Dieser untersucht dessen Gehirn und stellt große Schäden fest:- Oboe spielen macht blöd. 
Also nimmt er es heraus und sagt dem Oboisten, er könne es in einer Woche wieder abholen, frisch überholt. Eine Woche vergeht, drei Wochen, drei Monate - nichts. Da trifft der Neurologe den Oboisten zufällig auf dem Wochenmarkt. 
"Ihr Hirn ist längst fertig, wollen Sie es nicht endlich abholen?"
- "Brauch ich nicht, ich spiele jetzt Bratsche!  502027975 Wie definiert man ein Vierteltonintervall?
Zwei Oboen im Unisono.  823661043 Was ist langweiliger als eine Flöte?
Zwei Flöten.  1289871542 Wie klingt eine Klarinette am schönsten?
Leise knisternd im Kamin.  1055030188 Wie weit kommt eine Piccolo?
Mit Anlauf 20 bis 30 Meter...  1466125390 Die drei größten Gitarristenlügen:
- beim nächsten Stück spiele ich kein Solo
- meine Gitarre ist gestimmt
- ich kann mich nicht hören  1922624111 Treffen sich zwei Trommler. Sagt der eine: "Hab mir letztens nen Duden jekauft."
Fragt der andere: "Und, wie klingt er?"  140476533 Zwei Hörner halten Quinten aus. Auf einmal setzt der erste Hornist sein Instrument ab und sagt wütend zum zweiten: "Du treibst!"  557634602 F: Was macht man mit einem Bläser der nicht spielen kann?
A: Gib ihm zwei Stöcke, setzt ihn nach hinten und sag ihm, er sei ab jetzt Percussionist.
F: Was macht man, wenn er das auch nicht kann?
A: Nimm ihm einen Stock weg, stellt ihn nach vorne und sag ihm, er sei ab jetzt Dirigent.  1882570021 F: Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Robotern und Dirigenten?
A: Roboter sind manchmal richtig menschlich  1467418509 Das Orchester hat einen ersten Bratscher, der wirklich gut ist. Er hat die Marotte, immer erst kurz in seinen Spint zu schauen, bevor er die Probe oder das Konzert beginnt. Eines Tages kommt er zu spät und kann vor der Aufführung nicht mehr in den Spint gucken. In diesen Konzert wirkt er völlig konfus und spielt nur Müll zusammen. Noch am gleichen Abend brechen die Kollegen den Spint auf. Sie finden einen Zettel: "Bratsche links, Bogen rechts."  1555100363 Dirigent zum Trompeter: "Sie sollten Lotto spielen, das waren schon sechs Richtige."  670177792 F: Wieviel Tubisten braucht man, um eine Glühbirne einzuschrauben?
A: Fünf - einer hält die Glühbirne und die anderen vier saufen, bis der Raum sich dreht.  259793818 Wieso ist das Horn ein heiliges Instrument?
Man weiss, was man reinlässt, aber nur Gott weiss, was herauskommt.  628205496 F: Wie bringt man einen Trompetenspieler dazu, fff zu spielen?
A: Man schreibt mp in seine Noten!  516599811 "Was, du hast ein neues Auto gekauft? Wovon denn? Ich dachte, du bist pleite."
"Ich habe meine Trompete und meine Tuba dafür in Zahlung gegeben."
"Was, die hat der Autohändler genommen?"
"Na klar, er wohnt doch direkt über mir."  1845500979 Wieviel mal lacht ein Hornist über einen Witz? Einmal: Wenn er ihn hört.
Wieviel mal lacht ein Trompeter über einen Witz? Zweimal: Einmal, wenn er ihn hört und nochmal, wenn er ihn versteht.
Wieviel mal lacht ein Tubist über einen Witz? Dreimal: Einmal, wenn er ihn hört, einmal, wenn man ihn ihm erklärt und nochmal, wenn er ihn versteht.
Wieviel mal lacht ein Schlagzeuger über einen Witz? Gar nicht: Er beginnt einen Kampf, weil er meint, die andern lachen über ihn.  1429370976 Ein Hornist geht fischen. Plötzlich fängt er einen Fisch. 
Aber der Fisch sagt: "Wenn du mich freilässt, sage ich dir zwei wichtige Sachen über deine Zukunft." 
Der Hornist ist einverstanden. 
Darauf der Fisch: "Die gute Nachricht ist: Wenn du stirbst, wirst du im Himmelsorchester die 2. Stimme spielen, neben Dennis Brain." 
Der Hornist ist begeistert. 
"Ja, aber die schlechte Nachricht ist: Die erste Probe ist morgen."  960311145 F: Welche Hornarten sind in einem Polizeiorchester besetzt?
A: Waldhorn, Englischhorn, Tenorhorn und Martinshorn.  1705915153 F: Woran erkennt man, daß ein Posaunist an der Haustür klingelt?
A: Die Klingel schleppt.  1228081049 Was heißt "Schlagzeuger" auf chinesisch?
"No Tai Ming"  644072661 Schlagzeuger bei der Aufnahmeprüfung einer Musikakademie: Gehörbildung: Der Professor spielt ihm zunächst zwei aufeinanderfolgende Töne vor: C - dann E. "Wie nennt man das?" fragt der Professor. "Hmm? Kann ich das nochmal hören?" Wiederum erklingt das C, dann das E. "Hmm... Moment, gleich hab ich?s! Oder doch noch ein drittes Mal bitte!" Und wieder: C - E. "Ah ich hab?s: Das ist ein Klavier!"  1880168823 F: Warum haben die meisten Bands mindestens 4 Schlagzeuger?
A: Dass wenigstens einer bei der Probe da ist.  2099907984 F: Warum kann ein Dirigent gefahrlos seine Finger in eine Steckdose stecken?
A: Weil Dirigenten schlechte Leiter sind...  1335677789 Ein Musiker zum anderen: "Der Dirigent hat dich gerade so angesehen - ob er gemerkt hat, dass du einen falschen Ton gespielt hast?"
- "Keine Angst, ich habe so zurückgeschaut, als ob ich richtig gespielt hätte."  1210750191 Ein Ehepaar beschließt dem Winter in Deutschland zu entfliehen und bucht eine Woche Südsee. Leider kann die Frau aus beruflichen Gründen erst einen Tag später als ihr Mann fliegen. Der Ehemann fährt wie geplant. Dort angekommen bezieht er sein Hotelzimmer und schickt seiner Frau per Laptop sogleich eine Mail. Blöderweise hat er sich beim Eingeben der E-Mail-Adresse vertippt und einen Buchstaben vertauscht. So landet die E-Mail bei einer Witwe, die gerade von der Beerdigung ihres Mannes kommt und gerade die Beileidsbekundungen per E-Mail abruft. Als ihr Sohn das Zimmer betritt, sieht er seine Mutter bewußtlos zusammensinken. Sein Blick fällt auf den Bildschirm, wo steht:

AN: meine zurückgebliebene Frau
VON: Deinem vorgereisten Gatten
BETREFF: Bin gut angekommen.

Liebste, bin soeben angekommen. Habe mich hier bereits eingelebt und sehe, dass für Deine Ankunft alles schon vorbereitet ist. Wünsche Dir eine gute Reise und erwarte Dich morgen. In Liebe, Dein Mann.

PS: Verdammt heiß hier unten!  263853264404035528 Ein kleiner Mann sitzt traurig in der Kneipe.....vor sich ein Bier..... Da kommt ein richtiger Kerl, haut dem Kleinen auf die Schulter und trinkt dessen Bier aus.
Der Kleine fängt an zu weinen.

Der Grosse: Nu hab dich nicht so, du memmiges Weichei! Flennen wegen einem Bier!

Der Kleine: Na dann pass mal auf: Heute früh hat mich meine Frau verlassen, Konto abgeräumt, Haus leer!
Danach habe ich meinen Job verloren! Ich wollte nicht mehr leben, legte mich aufs Gleis....Umleitung! Wollte mich aufhängen....Strick gerissen! Wollte mich erschiessen.... Revolver klemmt!
Und nun kaufe ich vom letzten Geld mir ein Bier, kippe Gift rein und du säufst es mir weg....!  39740132910736328 George W. Bush fährt mit seinem Chauffeur übers Land. Plötzlich wird ein Huhn überfahren. Wer soll es aber dem Bauern beibringen?
Bush großmütig zu seinem Chauffeur: "Lassen Sie mich mal machen. Ich bin der mächtigste Mann der Welt. Der Bauer wird das verstehen."
Gesagt, getan. Nach einer Minute kommt Bush atemlos zurückgehetzt: Blaues Auge, Oberkiefer lädiert, den Hintern reibend. "Schnell weg hier!"
Die beiden fahren weiter.
Plötzlich wird ein Schwein überfahren. Bush schaut ängstlich zum Chauffeur: "Jetzt gehen aber Sie!"
Der Chauffeur geht zum Bauernhof. Bush wartet 10 Minuten, 20 Minuten, ... Nach einer Stunde erscheint der Chauffeur singend, freudestrahlend, die Taschen voller Geld und einen dicken Schinken unter dem Arm.
Fragt ihn Bush: "Was haben Sie dem Bauern denn gesagt?"
"Guten Tag. Ich bin der Fahrer von George W. Bush. Das Schwein ist tot!"  454112846413402728 Wusstest Du, dass ein Sattelschlepper ein Cowboy ist , der sein Pferd verloren hat?  955743702003716697 Wusstest Du schon, dass einem auch in einem Tal die Haare zu Berge stehen können?  1061058591162994640 Wusstest Du, dass auch Glatzköpfe Glückssträhnen haben?  3117382481254779480 Wusstest Du, dass eine Weißwurst auch nicht mehr weiß als eine Bratwurst?   1005316508476254848 Lehrerin: "Hitze dehnt aus, Kälte zieht zusammen. Wer weiß ein Beispiel?"
-"Die Ferien im Sommer dauern sechs Wochen, die im Winter nur zwei!"  386733643382629786 Fragte der Neue in der Schulklasse: "Wann macht Ihr Pause?"
- "Nie! Wir schlafen durch."  1229193235515993902 Die Klasse macht einen Ausflug ins Museum. Sie bestaunen ein Skelett - da sagt Roland: "Guck mal, das hat eine Nummer. Was bedeutet FH 65489?"
"Mensch", sagt Elvira, "das ist die Nummer des Autos, das den Mann überfahren hat!"  2394777341397180744 Moritz soll einen Aufsatz über seine Familie und ihre Abstammung schreiben.
"Mami", fragt der Junge, "wo komme ich her?" 
- "Der Storch brachte dich." 
"Und wo kommst du her?" 
- "Ach vom Storch." 
"Und Großmutter?" 
- "Auch sie brachte der Storch." 
Der Aufsatz des Jungen beginnt folgender maßen: "In unserer Familie gab es seit drei Generationen keine natürlichen Geburten."  80050170323159062 Ein Ehepaar spielt Golf. Zwischen Loch 5 und Loch 6 fragt sie: "Wenn ich sterbe, wärst du sehr traurig?"
"Ja sicher, mein Schatz!"
Zwischen Loch 6 und Loch 7 fragt sie: "Und würdest du noch einmal heiraten?"
"Wenn die Richtige kommt, vielleicht!"
Zwischen Loch 7 und Loch 8 fragt sie: "Und würdest du sie mit meinen Golfschlägern spielen lassen?"
"Nein, sie ist Linkshänderin."  910590208106706972 :::French Le président est invité par la reine d'Angleterre. 
Au programme, une petite démonstration de garde a cheval. Pendant le spectacle, un cheval lâche un énorme pet. 
La reine se penche vers le président: I'm so sorry, ça ne s'était jamais produit. 
-Il ne fallait pas vous excuser, je croyais que c'était le cheval.  2019745647 Un Belge se rend chez le Docteur... 
- Docteur, je ne sais pas ce que j'ai, quand j'appuie sur mon ventre, j'ai mal, quand j'appuie sur mon genou, j'ai mal, quand j'appuie sur mon nez, j'ai aussi mal... Qu'est-ce que j'ai, Docteur ?
 - Vous avez le doigt cassé, Monsieur.
  44863555 Q: Qu'est ce qui mesure 50 centimètres et qui pend devant un trou du cul?
R: La cravate de Le Pen.  304918882 Une femme rentre dans l'église et se précipite sur le curé en train de prier : 
- Monsieur le curé, je n'en peux plus, j'ai envie d'un homme tout de suite, j'ai envie de vous monsieur le curé, vite, là maintenant, je vous veux ! 
Le curé affolé se retourne vers Jésus et lui demande :
 - Seigneur, qu'est ce que je dois faire ? 
Et Jésus lui répond : 
- Détaaaache-moi, connaaaard !!
E 1620629296 Un jour un inspecteur sanitaire arrive dans une école primaire. Sa première visite est pour les chiottes des garçons et la il se rend compte que, comme d'habitude c'est pas très propre et ça ne sent pas la rose, enfin bref de la pisse de partout... 
Après une petite remontrance pour le directeur de l'école qui ne fait pas bien entretenir ses bâtiments, il se dit qu'il ferait mieux d'attaquer le mal à sa source. 
Il va donc dans la classe de Toto. Il arrive et demande à toutes les petites filles de sortir. 
Une fois seul avec les garçons il commence la leçon: "Bon j'ai remarqué que plusieurs d'entre vous ne savaient pas uriner donc je vais vous apprendre d'une manière simple ce geste de la vie quotidienne" (un peu snobinard l'inspecteur mais bon il est comme ça..) 
Il poursuit en faisant une petite démonstration: "1: on ouvre la braguette. 2: on sort le ...euh ... petit oiseau 3: on décalotte. 4: on fait pipi. 5: on recalotte. 6: on la rentre. 7 on ferme la braguette. tout le monde a compris. Bon alors on passe aux travaux pratiques. Un volontaire?" 
Pierre, le lèche cul, ne manque pas l'occasion de se distinguer, se place devant l'urinoir et récite sa leçon fraîchement apprise: "1: on ouvre la braguette. 2: on sort le pénis 3: on décalotte. 4: on fait pipi. 5: on recalotte. 6: on la rentre. 7 on ferme la braguette." 
L'inspecteur est ravi: "Bien Pierre rejoint tes petits camarades. Bon un autre volontaire?" 
Raymond se propose et récite en s'exécutant: "1..2..3..4..5..6..7" 
L'inspecteur est ravi et se dit qu'il a bien fait son boulot. Comme ces premières démonstrations ont donné une furieuse envie de pisser a toutes les têtes blondes de la classe, le chahut s'installe ce qui fait que l'inspecteur est obligé de hausser le ton pour rétablir l'ordre. Quand enfin il parvient a obtenir le silence, tout le monde entend Toto au fond de la classe: " 3..5..3..5..3..5..3..5..."
E 1039410604 C'est Toto qui fait des courses à la Supérette au coin de sa rue. Il se retrouve à la caisse avec un grand baril d'Ariel (TM). 
La caissière qui reconnaît Toto veut avoir un petit mot gentil et lui demande si il a beaucoup de linge à laver. 
Toto répond: - Oh non, c'est pour laver mon chien! 
La caissière répond: - Mais tu ne devrais pas utiliser de la lessive comme ça pour laver ton chien: Tu vas le rendre malade, et peut-être même qu'il en mourra... 
Mais Toto ne s'en laisse pas compter. Il paie sa boite d'Ariel et s'en va. 
À peu près une semaine plus tard, Toto revient à la supérette pour acheter des bonbons. La caissière lui demande alors comment va son chien. 
Toto répond: - Oh, il est mort. 
La caissière essaie de compatir mais ajoute quand même: - Tu vois, tu n'aurais pas du utiliser de la lessive pour le linge. Il ne l'a pas supporté. 
Et Toto: - Je ne pense pas que c'est la lessive qui l'a tué... 
La caissière: - Ah bon, et qu'est-ce que ça serait d'après toi? 
Toto: - Je pense que c'est le cycle de rinçage.
  1033841277 Q: Quelle est la différence entre une blonde et une pomme de terre ? 
R: La pomme de terre est cultivée, elle !?!  1540817094 Q: Comment appelle-t-on une blonde avec une moitié de cerveau ?
R: Une surdouée.  1198424155 Q: Comment appelle t-on un microbe dans la tête d'une blonde?
R: Un envahisseur de l'espace.  1178060884 Q: Comment sait on qu'une blonde s'est servie de l'ordinateur ?
R: A cause de l'odeur sur la souris ? 
Q: Mais encore.... 
R: A cause du blanco sur l'écran. 
Q: Et comment sait on qu'une autre blonde a travaillé derrière elle ?
R: Parce qu'on a réécrit sur le blanco.
  147759093 Q: Pourquoi les blondes prennent elles plus souvent la pilule que de l'aspirine ?
R: Parce qu'elles se servent plus de leur sexe que de leur tête...E 1530212966 Q: Pourquoi les blondes mettent elles leur string à l'envers ? 
R: Pour que leur chatte s'amuse avec la ficelle..E 1991567576 Q: Quel est la différence entre une blonde et un trampoline ?
R: On enlève ses chaussures, avant de sauter sur un trampoline....E 678973369 Q: Quelle différence y a t-il entre une blonde et le cancer ?
R: le cancer évolue lui !  1698362783 Un médecin demande à sa patiente blonde de lui montrer ses organes génitaux.
Alors, la blonde ouvre la bouche....E 1525093983 Q: Quelle est la différence entre une blonde et une prison ? 
R: Dans une prison il y a des cellules grises.  674567824 Une femme va chez le chirurgien esthétique et lui dit: 
- Docteur, j'aimerai avoir de plus gros seins. Combien ça coûterait ? 
Le docteur lui répond : 5.000 Euros madame. 
La femme : OUAAOUHHH - pas possible, je ne peux pas me le permettre ... N'y a-t-il pas une alternative à la chirurgie ?  
- Vous pouvez essayer de vous frotter les seins avec du papier toilette ! 
- Avec du du papier toilette ? Vous vous moquez de moi Docteur ? 
Le docteur: Et alors, regardez comme ça a bien réussi avec votre cul. E 347009815 Chez toi c'est tellement sale que Monsieur Propre il s'est suicidé.  2100710809 Ta famille est tellement pauvre, que la dernière fois qu'il a fait chaud chez toi, c'est quand ta maison a brulé.  822844757 Un homme remonte avec une grosse pile de lettres. 
- Ça a l'air alléchant, ce courrier, dit sa femme. 
- Pas tant que cela, fait le mari, après y avoir jeté un coup d'oeil. Il y a, d'abord, cinq factures à régler. Ensuite, quatre associations humanitaires qui sollicitent nos dons. Et, ce qui risque de nous coûter le plus cher, deux établissements bancaires qui veulent absolument nous prêter de l'argent, remboursable en trente-six mensualités faciles.  1887372386 Mon mari, raconte une dame, est toujours de l'humeur charmante d'un homme qui vient de régler son tiers provisionnel et auquel on propose de prendre un billet de loterie pour une œuvre qui se charge d'offrir de belles vacances aux enfants des inspecteurs des impôts.
  1654666926 - Supposez, demande un enquêteur d'une entreprise de sondages à un monsieur, que vous gagniez dix millions de francs au Loto. Comment les dépenseriez-vous ? 
- J'achèterais à ma femme ce qu'elle désire pour son anniversaire, enfin en partie.
  1963512607 Un s.d.f. se rend au bureau des objets trouvés. 
Il demande à l'employé : - On ne vous aurait pas rapporté, par hasard, un portefeuille ? 
- Avec combien d'argent, dedans ? 
- Eh bien, si c'était possible, j'aimerais qu'il contienne au moins 1.000 €.
  795584182 J'ai un plan en ce qui concerne le paiement des retraites, annonce le ministre des Finances. Il est simple, comme toutes les idées géniales. Désormais, quand un travailleur partira en retraite, au lieu qu'on s'enquiquine à lui verser de l'argent pendant des années, son employeur se contentera de lui remettre un trèfle à quatre feuilles porte-bonheur, quelques tickets du Millionnaire et un élégant portefeuille pour ranger ses billets.
  875205201 - C'est incroyable, s'écrie un septuagénaire. Aujourd'hui, un gamin de sept ans reçoit, chaque semaine, plus d'argent de poche de ses parents qu'à notre époque son grand-père n'en recevait de sa femme, en un an.
  1589934581 L'institutrice vient de lire à ses jeunes élèves la fable de La Fontaine, Le lièvre et la tortue. 
- Quelqu'un a-t-il une question à me poser ? demande-t-elle. 
Le fils d'un turfiste enragé lève la main. 
- Moi, madame. Au départ de la course, à combien elle était cotée, la tortue, que je calcule le rapport ?
  1015103445 - Maman, dit un gamin, Emmanuelle a fouillé dans ma tirelire et elle m'a fauché 50 F 
- Ta grande soeur te joue un tel tour et cela semble t'amuser ? s'étonne la mère. 
- Ce qui m'amuse, surtout, c'est de penser qu'elle se sera baladée toute la journée avec, dans le dos, l'auto-collant que je lui ai collé. Tu sais, celui que papa a rapporté, hier, du garage. " Vérifiez vous-même la pression : 1,4 kilo à l'avant et 1,8 à l'arrière ".
  1756825194 Sur le coup de cinq heures du matin, un fêtard invétéré rentre chez lui, un peu éméché. 
Il jette sa femme au bas du lit et lui dit : - Allez, fais tes valises et file rejoindre mon ami Martin. Je t'ai jouée au poker, cette nuit, et j'ai perdu. 
- Oh ! sanglote la malheureuse, assise en chemise de nuit, sur la descente de lit. Comment as-tu pu faire une chose pareille ? 
Et son mari de répliquer avec un mauvais sourire : - J'ai triché.
  1486695078 Alors que toutes ses collègues s'embrouillent, quand il s'agit de convertir des francs en euros, une jeune caissière attire l'attention de son patron par sa façon de procéder, à la fois très rapide et sans jamais la moindre erreur. 
- Expliquez-moi, lui dit-il, comment ce qui pose tant de difficultés aux autres employés peut être si facile pour vous ? 
- Oh ! explique-t-elle, tout vient d'un stage que j'ai fait, en Angleterre, avant de travailler ici. Là-bas, j'ai appris qu'en ce qui concerne les températures, pour convertir nos degrés Celsius en degrés Fahrenheit, on prend neuf cinquièmes de la température relevée à la française, à quoi on ajoute 32. Par exemple, 21°C deviendront 21 multiplié par 9 et divisé par 5 plus 32, soit 71,8 degrés Fahrenheit. Quand on jongle avec ça comme je le fais, maintenant, je vous jure que diviser de tête 15,95 F. par le prix d'un euro, 6,55 F., c'est vraiment un jeu d'enfant.
  1575493349 Une blague authentique: 
Le Client: "J'ai un PC avec Windows 95" 
Le Technicien: "Oui..." 
Le Client: "Et puis mon PC ne marche plus" 
Le Technicien: "Oui, vous me l'avez déjà dit"... 
  1833456745 La Création, c'est comme Windows95: on attend la mise à jour!   1805722532 Q: Quel est le seul produit de Bill Gates arrivé à la date prévue? 
R: Sa fille. 
Q: Et pourquoi ? 
R: Parce qu'il l'a faite sous-traiter...  30219712 C'est une blonde qui fait de l'équitation et là elle tombe des étriers, elle dit au cheval: "WOW WOW WOW CHEVAL WOW WOW"...
Et là le gars du supermarché est venu débrancher le cheval.. !E 1106634040 C'est une blonde qui a accouché de 2 beaux bébés, des jumeaux, cependant, elle pleure à n'en plus finir!
L'infirmière lui dit alors:
- Mais voyons madame! Pourquoi pleurez-vous? Vous êtes maintenant mère de 2 beaux bébés, en bonne santé!
- Je sais, répond la blonde, mais je ne sais pas qui est le père du deuxième!  22517537 Après une soirée, un gars ramène sa copine, Giselle, chez elle, dans un quartier très huppé.
Ils sont à la veille de s'embrasser pour se dire bonne nuit devant la porte d'entrée, lorsque le gars commence à se sentir excité.
Avec un air confiant, il se penche vers elle en souriant, une main accolée sur le mur, et lui dit:
- Chérie, me ferais-tu une pipe ?
Horrifiée, elle répond :
- Es-tu malade ? Mes parents pourraient nous voir !
- Oh alleeez ! Qui va nous voir à cette heure ? demande-t-il d'une voix déjà haletante.
- Non, s'il te plaît. Imagines-tu si on se fait prendre ? La fille du juge local se doit d'être exemplaire !
- Oooh alleeez! Il n'y a personne aux alentours, ils dorment tous.
- P-A-S Q-U-E-S-T-I-O-N. C'est trop risqué !...
- Oooh s'il te plaît!, s'il te plaiiiiit, je t'aime tellement ? ! ?
- Non, non, et non. Je t'aime aussi, mais je ne peux pas !
- Je t'en suppliiiiiiiiie...
- Donnes-moi une seule bonne raison, dit-elle.
Le jeune homme se lance alors dans une argumentation passionnée de dix bonnes minutes sur les besoins et pulsions masculines, d'une voix de plus en plus rauque.
Soudain, la lumière dans l'escalier s'allume, et la soeur aînée de la jeune fille apparaît en pyjama, les cheveux en bataille, les yeux bouffis, et leur annonce d'une voix endormie :
- Papa m'a dit de te dire soit tu lui fait sa pipe, soit c'est moi qui lui fait sa pipe. En cas de besoin, maman dit qu'elle peut descendre elle-même et la lui faire. Mais par pitié, dis-lui d'enlever sa main de l'interphone...E 1252065881 - Bonjour Toto.
- Bonjour mémé.
- Si tu me dis combien j'ai de bonbons dans ma main, je te les donne tous les deux.
- Tu en as deux !
- Qui te l'a dit ?!?  733774708 Deux fesses discutent, une fesse dit à une autre fesse :
- Pourquoi on devient pas amis ?
- Parce qu'entre nous c'est de la merde.  1786176854 Toto vas voir sa maman
- Maman, Maman... je me suis fait mal !
- Où ça ?
- Là bas !  491546679 Deux secrétaires papotent pendant une pause. La première demande à l'autre :
- Tu fumes après l'amour ?
Et l'autre de répondre :
- Je ne sais pas, j'ai jamais regardé.E 1671370141 Q: Combien de blondes faut-il pour changer une ampoule ? 
R: Aucune, de toute façon, le temps qu'elles comprennent, il fera déjà jour.  171247716 Après 20 années, trois copains se retrouvent. 
Le premier dit :
- Ma femme a une taille de guêpe et tous les soirs, je la pique, je la pique...
Le deuxième :
- Moi, ma femme a une taille de sauterelle, et tous les soirs, je la saute, je la saute...
Le troisième :
- Moi, ma femme a une taille d'éléphant, et tous les soirs, je la trompe, je la trompe...E 1773975276 Ta mère est tellement grosse qu'il y a un décalage horaire entre ses deux fesses !E 1009212765 Q: Savez-vous comment les abeilles communiquent entre elles?
R: Par E-miel.  1363817579 A: Connais-tu la blague de toto en Amérique ?
B: Non ?
A: Moi non plus il n'y avait plus de place dans l'avion !  519393063 Au zoo, des animaux discutent des prochaines vacances :
- Dis-moi la girafe, où vas-tu en vacances ?
- Eh bien, j'ai un grand cou, ma femme a un grand cou et mes enfants aussi ont des grands cous. Et comme on n'aime pas se faire remarquer, on va en Afrique, là où il y a d'autres girafes.
- Et toi l'ours polaire, où vas tu ?
- Eh bien, j'ai une grosse fourrure, ma femme a une grosse fourrure et mes enfants aussi ont de grosses fourrures. Et comme on n'aime pas se faire remarquer, on va au Pole Nord, là où il y a d'autres ours polaires.
- Et toi, le crocodile, ou vas-tu ?
- Eh bien moi, j'ai une grande gueule, ma femme a une grande gueule, mes enfants aussi ont une grande gueule alors, comme on n'aime pas se faire remarquer, on va à Marseille...  2130586647 L'homme : "Chérie ce soir tu ne me vois pas"
La femme : "Pourquoi, tu sors ?"
L'homme "Non, je t'encule !"E 1207301915 Le père en colère: Non mais, tu as vu tes notes, Toto ! C'est lamentable. Je voudrais bien savoir si ton copain Ernest rentre chez lui avec de 0 et des 5 sur 20 sur son carnet...
Toto:  Non, mais lui c'est différent, ses parents sont intelligents...  2125196232 Q: Quelle est la chose la plus intelligente qui soit sortie de la bouche d'une blonde?
R: La bite d'Albert EinsteinE 1203512868 C'est l'histoire d'un mec qui va aux toilettes dans un bar. La première est occupée et il entre dans la deuxième. A peine se met-il sur la cuvette qu'il entend :
- Salut ! Comment ça va ?
Surpris, il se dit que c'est un drôle d'endroit pour lier d'amitié avec quelqu'un, mais bon, on ne choisit pas...
- Euh.!.!! ça va, dit-il embarrassé.
- Qu'est-ce que tu fais de beau ?
- Ben, je fais comme toi, ... caca...
Et là, il entend :
- Ecoute, je te rappelle plus tard, il y a un con à côté qui répond à toutes mes questions !  865620204 Q: Qu'elle est la différence entre le chocolat et une belle-mère ?
R: Le chocolat, ça constipe et la belle-mère, ça fait chier !  37325947 Un petit garçon de 6 ans dit à sa sœur de 10 ans:
- Tu sais comment on fait les enfants toi ?
- Bien sûr, c'est fastoche !
- Alors vas-y, dis moi.
- Eh bien c'est simple, le papa il met la graine dans le ventre de la maman ...
- Et après ?!
- Et après il la pousse bien au fond avec sa bite.E 1755357678 Deux copains discutent sur les différentes façons de faire l'amour...
- Et le sexe à la Rodéo, t'as essayé ?
- Sexe à la Rodéo? Non... c'est comment ?
- Tu te mets sur ta femme, tu la caresses et puis tu lui dis à l'oreille : ton parfum est le même que celui de ma secrétaire !
- Et après ?
- Après, tu essayes de rester 5 secondes dessus...E 2005615853 Q: Quel sont les deux animaux les plus intelligents ?
R: Le Cerf et le Veau (cerveau)  484912469 Toto traverse le quartier le plus hot de la ville en voiture avec son papa.
- Dis papa, qu'est-ce qu'elles font les dames sur le trottoir ?
Embarrassé, le père s'en tire par une pirouette :
- Elles vendent du bonheur.
Une fois à la maison, Toto se dit qu'il en achèterait bien un peu de bonheur. Il casse sa tirelire, prend son billet de 20 euros et sort de la maison pour aller voir les dames. Une fois rendu dans la bonne rue, il se dirige vers la première dame, lui tend le billet et lui demande un peu de bonheur.
La professionnelle est un peu décontenancée. Elle évite depuis longtemps toute infraction à la loi, mais d'autre part, elle ne peut cracher sur 20 euros en ces temps de crise. Elle ramène Toto chez elle et lui prépare trois tartines avec une bonne couche de Nutella.
Enfin, Toto rentre chez lui, où ses parents inquiets lui demandent où il était passé. Il regarde son père et lui dit qu'il était parti acheter un peu de bonheur auprès des dames qu'il lui avait montrées de la voiture.
Horrifié, le père lui demande ce qui s'est passé et Toto répond :
- Pas de problème avec les deux premières, mais pour la troisième je n'en pouvais plus, alors je l'ai seulement léchée...E 1353484883 Pendant l'étude du soir, Toto n'arrête pas de se lécher la main pour s'humecter le front tout en apprenant ses leçons. L'observant depuis un moment, intrigué, le surveillant lui demande pourquoi il fait cela.
- J'apprend mes leçons M'sieur, lui répond le jeune garçon...
- Je vois bien, dit le surveillant, mais arrête donc de te barbouiller le front de salive !
- C'est pour mieux apprendre M'sieur ! Hier soir, j'ai entendu maman dire à papa que lorsqu'on mouillait la tête, ça rentrait mieux !E 517882005 Q: Qu'est ce qui fait 999 fois "TIC" et 1 fois "TOC" ?
R: Un mille pattes avec une jambe de bois.  1317129279 L'homme: Allô Police ! Je viens d'écraser un poulet. Que dois-je faire ?
Le policer: Et bien , plumez-le et faites-le cuire à thermostat 6.
L'homme: Ah bon ! Et qu'est-ce que je fais de la moto ?  880239405 Un gars rencontre un de ses copain, ce dernier est pas mal amoché, il a un œil et une joue bleue.
Son copain lui demande:
- Qu'est qu'il t'arrive mon ami?
Le gars lui répond:
- J'ai reçu un coup au visage.
- Qui t'as fait ça?
- Ma femme.
- Ta femme? Quand? Comment? Pourquoi?
- Je suis derrière ma femme, qui porte une jupe courte, qui se penche dans le congélateur devant moi. Je vois apparaître le string et la boule de fesse, je perds le contrôle, j'agrippe ma femme, je tasse le string et je la prends par derrière. Ce que je me souviens c'est d'avoir reçu un coup de jarret de porc congelé au visage.
- Est-ce que c'était la première fois que tu faisais ça à ta femme?
- Au supermarché, oui.E 233054885 Deux blondes jouent aux échecs. Avant de commencer, la première demande :
- Tu as les règles en tête ?
- Pourquoi, je saigne du nez ?  937667298 Q: Pourquoi dit-on que la branlette rend sourd ? 
R: Parce qu'on est tout le temps entrain d'écouter si personne arrive.  480593065 Q: Qu'est-ce qui a 123 yeux et 2 dents ? 
R: Un autobus de personnes âgées.  1307688933 Q: Combien de Vice-présidents de chez Microsoft ça prend pour changer une ampoule électrique? 
R: 8. un pour changer l'ampoule, et 7 pour être sûr que Microsoft empoche bien $2.00 pour toute ampoule changée à travers le monde.   336685876 Q: Combien d'ingénieurs de chez Microsoft ça prend pour changer une ampoule électrique? 
R: Aucun. Bill Gates définit l'Obscurité (TM) comme nouveau standard industriel.   805292368 Q: Combien de techniciens de chez Microsoft ça prend pour changer une ampoule électrique? 
R: 3. Deux pour tenir l'échelle et un pour visser l'ampoule dans le robinet.  1244949602 Trois gamins discutent dans la cour de récréation.
- Mon père, dit le premier, est tellement fort qu'il avale la fumée de sa cigarette par la bouche, et il la recrache par le nez !
- Ouah, c'est nul. Le mien, il l'avale par la bouche et il la recrache par les oreilles...
- Tu racontes des conneries, dit le troisième. Par contre, le mien, il l'avale par la bouche et il la recrache par le derrière !
Les deux autres :
- N'importe quoi ! C'est pas possible !
Le troisième sort un caleçon de son père de son cartable.
- Et ça, c'est pas des traces de nicotine, peut-être ?  897879140 Le petit Pierre demande à sa mère :
- Maman, tu dis que nos voisins sont du Midi. Mais nous, on est du matin ou du soir ?  817236434 Un brave homme dit à un ami :
- Ma fille joue du piano.
- Et ça rapporte, demande l'autre.
- Je pense bien, c'est ce qui m'a permis d'acheter la maison des voisins pour presque rien !  650297764 C'est un Papa qui cuisine du lapin pour le dîner. Les enfants étant sensible à cet attachant petit animal domestique, il leur cache ce que c'est, jusqu'au moment du repas.
La petite fille mange d'un bon coup de fourchette quand le petit demande :
- Dis papa, c'est rudement bon, mais qu'est ce que c'est ?
Le papa, pas peu fier, lui répond :
- Tu dois deviner ce que c'est, je peux juste te dire que ta maman, de temps en temps, m'appelle comme ça.... Et là, la fille crache tout et tape dans le dos de son frère :
- Mange surtout pas ça !!!!.... c'est du trou du cul !  1395190544 Q: Qu'est-ce que les enfants usent le plus à l'école ?
R: Les professeurs !  1339807984 C'est un homme et une femme qui sont dans leurs voitures et s'arrêtent au feux rouge. Le mari de la femme dit :
- Quand tu auras ton enfant pourquoi ne l'appellerais-tu pas....Rouge-Arrête? ou bien Vert-Passe ?
La femme dit :
- Mais ce n'est pas des noms! C'est absurde !
Et il lui répond :
- Mais notre voisin a bien appelé son enfant Jaune-Attends ! (Jonathan)  1184449723 A l'école.
- John, avoue que ton père t'as aidé à faire ton devoir ?
- Ben, non m'sieur, je vous jure !
- C'est bien vrai ? Sûr ?
- Oui, j'en suis sûr. Il l'a fait tout seul....  979771769 Mamie dit à son petit-fils :
- Puisque c'est ton anniversaire, je vais te faire un gâteau avec douze bougies !
- Tu sais, Mamie, ce que je préférerais, c'est que tu me fasses douze gâteaux avec une bougie.  1792741725 Quatre types sont en train de se raconter des histoires dans un bar. Un des types s'absente pour aller aux toilettes. Les trois autres continuent à parler.
Le premier dit:
- J'avais peur que mon fils soit un bon à rien parce qu'il a commencé en lavant des voitures pour un concessionnaire local. Or le concessionnaire est tombé malade, ils ont nommé mon fils vendeur et il a vendu tellement de voitures que c'est lui qui est devenu concessionnaire. En fait, c'est une belle réussite, non? Et il vient tout juste d'offrir à son meilleur ami une Mercedes pour son anniversaire.
Le second qui dit :
- Je me faisais des cheveux pour mon fils, parce qu'il a commencé en ratissant les feuilles dans des jardins pour un agent immobilier. Mais l'agent a dû interrompre sa carrière, mon fils est devenu vendeur commissionné, et finalement il a acheté l'agence immobilière. Ca marche tellement bien qu'il vient juste d'offrir une nouvelle maison à son meilleur ami pour son anniversaire.
Le troisième type dit :
- Oui, oui c'est pas mal. Mais mon fils, à moi, a débuté en lavant les sols dans une société de courtage. Eh bien Il a pris un congé, il est devenu courtier, et maintenant c'est LUI le patron de la société de courtage. Il est tellement riche qu'il vient d'offrir à son meilleur ami 1 million de dollars en actions pour son anniversaire.
Le 4e type revient des toilettes. Les trois premiers lui racontent qu'ils étaient en train de parler de leurs fils respectifs, et de leurs belles réussites dans la vie.
- Malheureusement, je dois admettre que mon fils est une des grandes déceptions de ma vie. Il a commencé comme coiffeur et il est toujours coiffeur après quinze ans. En plus, je viens de découvrir qu'il est homosexuel et qu'il a plusieurs petits amis. Mais bon, j'essai de voir le bon côté des choses: ses petits amis viennent juste de lui offrir une nouvelle Mercedes, une nouvelle maison et 1 million de dollars en actions pour son anniversaire...  323364591 Le petit Arthur demande au petit Bertrand ce qu'il souhaite pour son anniversaire :
- Un lion qui rugit, un âne qui braie, un chien qui aboie, un chat qui miaule... et des parents en peluche !  1891072862 Un fermier avait une femme très détestable, qui n'arrêtait pas de l'engueuler pour rien, alors le fermier s'en alla dans l'étable pour écurer son cheval pour ne plus l'entendre, mais celle-ci revint le rejoindre et continua, le pauvre fermier à bout de nerfs prit sa fourche et en donna un petit coup au cheval juste au moment où celle-ci passa à l'arrière du cheval...
Morte sur le coup tué par le cheval. À son enterrement, un homme lui posa la question qui suit :
- Pourquoi toutes les fois qu'une femme te donne la main, tu fais signe que oui et quand c'est un homme tu fais signe que non ?
- C'est très simple, répondit l'homme, les femmes me souhaitent leurs sympathie et les hommes me demandent "Est-ce que ton cheval est à vendre?"  1501366787 :::gelöscht x 99429870880256007 x 2711528534233326994 x 2443130366187520200 x 321873761437176052 x 954674075072922636 